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Defending against one upping and tasking in front of group
This morning I went to college campus to see the correction of a project I made.
The female friend (A) I was considering date material was in college there, and she had offered to bring me home on car. She was giving lessons about interesting math facts to students from high school as part of a college project in a class, after I finished seeing the correction, she told me via whatsapp that I could go there. I told her I would go later.
This happened in said class:
P.D enters in a class of around 25 people in the middle of an explanation given by A.
P.D: cheers.
A: this is P.D he's another math student. P.D I'm telling them about successions.
P.D: that sounds fun
Some people laugh
After some time A explained a game in which she drew 9 squares in the board, we had to choose one following certain rules, at the end of the game she would erase all the squares except for one no one had chosen. The trick of the game is that thanks to an algorithm she would always know which square everyone had chosen:
A: so are you all in this square?
Everyone: yeah
A: how strange, no one should have chosen that.
3 min later
A: so P.D were you eliminated when I erased the squares?
P.D: yep
A chuckles: I knew it
Either she one upped me to gain status points with people she probably wont ever see again or her social skills are bad. People either lied, didn't understand the game or she explained the rules wrong they weren't supposed to be in that square.
That was only a warm up, real fun starts now.
After some minutes the explanation finished and said group exited the class, another group of 20-15 people came, since I didn't knew about this project I sat in front of the main desk (the one designed for teachers) facing the class.
A explains how you can make a paper cilinder have only one surface/face.
A: P.D cut some scotch tape so you do something
The rest of the class doesn't know I'm not supposed to help so I couldn't come up with a response to deny without looking lazy/weird
P.D: give me a pair of scissors ( I already knew she was going to give me the scissors, I tasked her to preserve power, it happened quite fast)
A gives them to me.
I started cutting the tape in a relaxed pace, I'm simply not going to hurry up to do work that isn't mine to do.
A: come on P.D hurry up.
P.D moves a bit faster but without much difference.
A: cut it shorter P.D
Teacher (a highschool teacher that accompanied her students, I haven't seen her in my life): P.D is sleepy today.
P.D in an indefferent tone while cutting tape: I've been set up to be here, I already have enough with that (Still a negative frame but it's better than being framed slow/clumsy)
Teacher: oh they set him up
A: P.D cut them longer
P.D: you just told me to cut it shorter
A laughs: irony isn't his strength
Students laugh
Exactly I didn't expect you to be so nasty in front of a group, you sneaky wh*re.
After that she started explaining another thing in the cupboard while I was sat in a desk without facing her directly. At this point I'm not paying attention to her explanation and glancing at it from time to time. To minimize the power loss I was serious and with low effort movements to minimize power loss
A: do you all see the cupboard? (I was looking at the cupboard while she said that)
Everyone: yeah
Teacher: Looks like P.D-(IÂ get up and sit in the teachers chair right when she says my name with low effort -in case she would say that she can't see with me- to avoid any tasking from their part)- doesnt
I completely ignore her, and the last part was barely heard.
Her explanation finishes and starts explaining sucessions again, I found one of her explanations interesting and started to search onlinw for an algorithm she hadn't explained (because she didn't knew how it worked and wasn't told to explain it):
A explains them successions.
A: and which number would be the same P.D? (That was done out of nowhere, I was sat behind her and she was facing and explaining all the students.
P.D shows her from the distance the paper I'm reading with low effort
P.D: I'm with this
A: haha, he's still with that
Again I ignore this and I keep doing what I was
After around 5 minutes from that I understand the algorithm.
A: so that's all of the class.
AÂ aproaches my table.
P.D: did you explain to them the algorithm? (not too high, students are speaking so they don't hear me)
A: ah no, explain it to them. (in a higher tone of voice)
P.D looks at her for around 5 seconds with a smirk as if saying, "that tasking is so nasty from you".
A: what?
P.D: I'll explain it
At this moment I have a paper in my hand with the drawing of the exercise, not the algorithm.
A: aah, you know it because you read it.
P.D: nope there isn't there actually
A: yeah that's why you're holding the paper.
P.D: in fact, look, no paper.
I leave the paper in the desk
I start explaining it.
B (the other girl that was explaining other things alongside A before. This girl gaslighted me 2 times in the past): Use another color P.D.
P.D: nope, I'm using this one, there aren't any other colors.
I start explaining the final step and use brown color.
A and B: use pink that color is ugly and is hard to see.
P.D: too late, I'm using this
B looks below the paper I left on the desk.
B: here are the other colors, you hid them.
P.D ignores her: thats how it's done overall
After that the teacher asks me about the algorythm and I start explaining to her. Guess I'm not so clueless now that I'm telling you how it's done.
Low effort and not laughing helped a lot to maintain calmness and preserve power. Basically defending in a higher quality way, as if saying: "I'm not going to waste time in responding to those dumb comments"
No thank you from their part. I got a cafeteria discount ticket though.
I coulve done something when I saw all that:
A: P.D do this.
P.D: actually I have to go, bye!
Leave the class.
I would've looked bad, but they are the ones responsibles for giving the lesson and I won't see those students again, those two idiots would've looked bad too.
Another good alternative:
Students speaking
P.D: listen y´all! I'm going to explain the algorithm to find the path for the graph.
I don't ask them for permission, and take the leadership.
Do you guys have any comments/suggestions regarding this?
Cheers.
Damn, that A sounds like a total bitch, and the teacher ganging up on you seems highly unprofessional to me.
Still, I think you handled it well.
Just like you said, you preserved power by being low-effort and not reacting to their power-moves. Though ideally I think you would have wanted to check the first few power moves to send the signal that you won't stand for that sort of disrespect; it would likely stop them from pulling some of those nastier moves later into the lesson. Even if it doesn't you will still have a bit more capital to work with as you defend against the following power moves.
So for the first ones you could respond with something light such as:
A: so P.D were you eliminated when I erased the squares?
P.D: yep
A chuckles: I knew it
P.D: Good job
Just to regain some power.
I'd also call out the teacher because she's out of place.
Just something simple like:
A: cut it shorter P.D
Teacher (a highschool teacher that accompanied her students, I haven't seen her in my life): P.D is sleepy today.
P.D: sorry do I know you? (with a either a frown or emotionless face)
I think the most important power move to call out was when she started tasking you with cutting faster, shorter, longer, etc and then joked at your expense with the remark about irony. It was very disrespectful.
Something you could do here is highlight the fact that she invited you. You're not there as her assistant but as her guest, and she's being a pretty poor host.
You could say this with a joke:
A: P.D cut them longer
P.D: you just told me to cut it shorter
A laughs: irony isn't his strength
Students laugh
P.D: you're a funny girl A, I'm so happy you invited me (dripping with sarcasm)
That would show her some irony : )
You could also be more direct and demand that she uses a more respectful tone. She is playing enough nasty power moves for you to use a strong tone yourself without seeming out of place. Even if it does come off as too strong there's not much harm if you're only surrounded by high schoolers you'll likely never see again.
Overall I see this interaction as a win for you. You got to assess this A person's character, and it was done in an environment that means very little to you, so no real losses.
Anyway that's just my take from an outside perspective.
Cheers
Thanks man.
Judge power moves for self defense isn't something I'm too familiar with, I might have to practise with them, but its good to know they are on my arsenal too. Thanks.
P.D: sorry do I know you? (with a either a frown or emotionless face)
Yeah, I think that's a good idea, I thought that saying that in this situation could come across as confrontational, but acting and asking as if it were a genuine question might do the trick, like rewording it like this:
P.D: sorry, do we know each other?/have we seen before?
It's pretty much the same.
Something you could do here is highlight the fact that she invited you. You're not there as her assistant but as her guest, and she's being a pretty poor host.
Yeah, that would've also given me a frame to expand into: "I don't have to help you"
Thanks Mats, very helpful :).
P.S:
Overall I see this interaction as a win for you. You got to assess this A person's character, and it was done in an environment that means very little to you, so no real losses.
Yeah, I used to hang out with her and other folks around a year ago when I was less power aware, long story short I ended up exiting the group since it was full of nasty one uppers, recently I started talking with her again and she's worse than I remember. Too bad I'm not sticking around this time.
