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Defense: carpet seller insult
Hello guys,
at a board game where there is banter and negotiation, Rodriguez called me a "carpet seller". In this context it was an insult as he was using my ethnic background to one-up me and make me look inferior. I did not say anything first as I was thinking. Then I replied something like: "a car seller" or something like that. I don't remember. There was a delay but I challenged the frame in the end.
What defense would you have used?
- Shaming with a judge role: that's not very nice to say this to a friend (I think it's the most appropriate)
- Shaming with vulnerability: what you said hurt me, I thought you were my friend.
- Drop a shaming comment and move on: That's a bit mean. Who's turn is it?
- Surfacing: why are you saying that?
- Go meta: when you say this it feels like it's a bit racist, knowing my background.
- Turn it into a positive: yes I'm the greatest carpet seller that ever existed!
Which one would you have used in this case?
I think the first question to ask here is:
- Did it bother you?
And second:
- Did you think it was value-taking from a power and status point of view?
If the answers are no to both of them, then laugh along.
I wasn't there, but I'd consider such jokes to have a high likelihood of being value-taking.
So the step is: doing something about it.
What, exactly?
Option one is good.
Another option was to escalate:
Wait, why did you say that
The difference with simple surfacing is that you get more serious, as if to say: "wait a second, that wasn't cool at all, and I'm gonna held you accountable for it, and I want to hear why you think you can ever say such a thing"
Thanks for your answer, Lucio.
Yes, it bothered me because of his tone. He said it in a serious tone without looking at me. If he would have smiled while looking at me I would have laughed and replied another funny bullshit thing. Maybe I would have played along and pretend to sell him a carpet. And we would have laughed together.
I noticed it was value-taking also because there was a silence after this. Like the people were waiting to see how I was going to react. Like it was a showdown and they were looking at the duellists in the middle of a street in the far-west.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 9, 2021, 9:41 pmI wasn't there, but I'd consider such jokes to have a high likelihood of being value-taking.
Another option was to escalate:
Wait, why did you say that
The difference with simple surfacing is that you get more serious, as if to say: "wait a second, that wasn't cool at all, and I'm gonna held you accountable for it, and I want to hear why you think you can ever say such a thing"
Ok, so it is a subtle difference. I get it. I had to say it out loud to understand. It's a little higher on the aggression scale. Yes, that's what I'm learning: to show my teeth a little bit more.
Now that I'm having the mindset of the learner about these social interactions. These moments are not as painful as they used to be. I make a mistake but I get better. It's a slow process. It's very much like learning seduction. I like it. It's fun.
Regarding Rodriguez' character I'm not sure yet what kind of person he is. He's a bit insecure and quite power-aware. He makes some value-taking comments but postures as high-virtue. He's fun and smart. I haven't figured him yet.
Yeah, that had the potential to be more than "micro" and be a proper "aggressoin" so a more direct response was also appropriate.
Sometimes it's difficult to react swiftly and promptly to aggression because most of us aren't used to it.
For most people, 90%+ of the aggressions we face in life are below the "aggression" level, so we're often caught unprepared.
However, holding onto the "nobody has the right to be rude and I deserve polite treatment" belief helps to answer more quickly.
P.S.:
Yes, the difference is tonality, but also wording.
The surfacing is more question-like, this one is more statement-like.
Similar but less aggressive:
Wooh man, what was that
That also draws attention to the fact that he was out of line.
Chances are that he'd backtrack and say "just a joke", or "sorry man", at which point you've already accomplished your goal, and then you can either keep on going till you get a proper apology, or let it drop (the former might have spoiled the fun atmosphere for a while though).
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 9, 2021, 10:26 pmHowever, holding onto the "nobody has the right to be rude and I deserve polite treatment" belief helps to answer more quickly.
It's a great tip, thanks. Yes, I extracted beliefs like that from PU in a file, the next step is for me to print them and internalize them.
Would a snarky remark work like
Him: Carpet seller
John: I'm happy for you to wash my carpets
Or shorter
Him: Carpet seller
John: Wash my carpets!
I was learning about self-frames and thought about applying the concept here.
I think it's a tad aggressive. This is escalating and if he answers with: "Hey man, that's a bit aggressive!" I will look like the mean one. Don't you think?
Agreed with John.
Plus, you let yourself get dragged into the spiral of value-taking and nastiness.
Exceptions always apply but, in general, don't let other people's negative attitude and behavior drag you down.
Or, to use an old analogy we've been using for a while: a turkey shouldn't be able to turn you into a turkey, no matter how much he seeks to scratch.
In general, I'm guessing to avoid meeting aggression with aggression?
I use sarcasm quite a lot to counter covert aggression. Maybe this is not a good idea.
Generally go for the more assertive methods first.
For example, for the encouragement power move
Him: You can do it!
Me: (sarcastically) Oh shut up man
Maybe the meta and assertive methods in Power University better.
Or, in this case, the dynamics are different.
