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Did I sleep with this guy too soon?

#1 · August 25, 2020, 10:51 pm

I am wondering if I slept with him too soon.

We met first time three years ago at my friend’s party, he asked me out, I declined. We have been friends on facebook, sometimes chatting.

We started talking again April this year, chatting, we talked on the phone and we met. We live two hours apart, so it was kinda late When we parted (we had been talking for many hours) but he drove me halfway and waited up to hear I made it home. We didn’t do anything on this date, only a hug hi and bye.

We didn’t see each other for a while then, this corona thing didn’t make it any easier.

Then we saw each other a few days ago. It was nice we went out to eat, ran into his friends, we talked, listenend to music and had a really nice time. He also told/asked if he could come see me At my place next weekend because he wants to take me to a party here. But I stayed overnight and we kissed, had sex and cuddled at night. Sex was really good And I am really attracted to him, hope it is not too much info but it is the first time I came from penetration only without it is me in charge and taking ages.

So far so good, next day he drove me to my train and waited there with me and texted to hear if I made it back home.

Now I am just scared if I slept with him too soon? Will it make him want to invest less in me now he already got it, will it make the rest seem less interesting and exciting? He is coming to me next week and taking me to the party, I am just scared if I screwed everything up. He is a calm down to earth guy, a bit slow (or shy?), not a player and you definitely wouldn’t find him on tinder but it is not that he is extremely conservative, he is still a guy.

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#2 · August 26, 2020, 5:15 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 26, 2020, 5:15 am
Hello Helena,
A few general principles:
When early sex is bad: no connection, no spark
Usually the sex too soon is "bad" if sex happens without a connection, without sexual spark, or without chemistry.
The worst type of early sex from a woman's point of view is, when there are no other signs of attraction and connection, she just goes along with it, as if to say "alright, since we're here, we might as well do it".
That communicates that she'd do that with everyone and that sex means nothing to her.
When early sex is OK (or good): great connection, spark, romance
But sex too early is not much of an issue if there is great chemistry, connection, or you just had an awesome lead up to it (great romance).
As a matter of fact, early sex in those cases can help, and send the message that "we're meant to be together", and jump-start the subsequent relationship.
Going from the feel of your message, it seems like your case might be more the latter, than the former.
Next Date: Strategies
The party after he comes at your place, if you have sex, might feel like your first outing as a couple, and it's a good test to observe how he behaves.
On the other hand, I would personally prefer if you went back to your place after the party, to build some expectations and increase attraction leading up to sex.
Him coming straight to your place, have sex, then go to the party is not ideal and he might interpret it as some kind of FWB thing.
However, making an excuse now to meet straight at the party and defer sex might feel like game-playing.
So probably what I'd recommend now in your shoes, is to keep it as it is, but make that sex more special and add a small step before meeting at your place. Meet outside, instead. Or even better, say that you will meet him at a cozy place/bar near your place, so you make it seem like a micro-date. To make it natural, you can say that you were there with a friend who wanted to talk to you, and you'd like to show him this nice place that you like.
Then you go to your place, and then to the party.

Hello Helena,

A few general principles:

When early sex is bad: no connection, no spark

Usually the sex too soon is "bad" if sex happens without a connection, without sexual spark, or without chemistry.

The worst type of early sex from a woman's point of view is, when there are no other signs of attraction and connection, she just goes along with it, as if to say "alright, since we're here, we might as well do it".
That communicates that she'd do that with everyone and that sex means nothing to her.

When early sex is OK (or good): great connection, spark, romance

But sex too early is not much of an issue if there is great chemistry, connection, or you just had an awesome lead up to it (great romance).

As a matter of fact, early sex in those cases can help, and send the message that "we're meant to be together", and jump-start the subsequent relationship.

Going from the feel of your message, it seems like your case might be more the latter, than the former.

Next Date: Strategies

The party after he comes at your place, if you have sex, might feel like your first outing as a couple, and it's a good test to observe how he behaves.
On the other hand, I would personally prefer if you went back to your place after the party, to build some expectations and increase attraction leading up to sex.
Him coming straight to your place, have sex, then go to the party is not ideal and he might interpret it as some kind of FWB thing.

However, making an excuse now to meet straight at the party and defer sex might feel like game-playing.
So probably what I'd recommend now in your shoes, is to keep it as it is, but make that sex more special and add a small step before meeting at your place. Meet outside, instead. Or even better, say that you will meet him at a cozy place/bar near your place, so you make it seem like a micro-date. To make it natural, you can say that you were there with a friend who wanted to talk to you, and you'd like to show him this nice place that you like.

Then you go to your place, and then to the party.

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#3 · August 26, 2020, 5:06 pm

P.S.: if any other men happen to read here, I'd also be happy to hear their thoughts.

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#4 · August 26, 2020, 8:27 pm

First of all, good choice Helena. He sounds like a well-adjusted high-value man with a secure attachment style who is clearly interested in you. Of course, a certain degree of worry is understandable; such people have options and tend to live busy lives. Wanting to (mutually) benefit from this while also maintaining at least some power and security is natural and normal.

The 'slow' part you mentioned, in context of the rest of the person, does not seem to be from timidity - he clearly shows the capability and will to lead not just you, but others as well. Oftentimes, the process of becoming a quality man builds deep inner confidence, patience and discipline, along with a knowing that they can build more value and recoup from losses. This invariably makes them selective with their resources, including their time. My guess is he's interested, definitely, but wants to see if you're long-term material as well.

That he is taking you to the party is a good sign; he's taking you further into his world. It shows investment outside the solely sexual. I advise a healthy balance: continue showing high value qualities, both in short-term sexual and long-term relationship value, while also holding him to a standard of tit-for-tat, win-win, 'I'll invest in you if you also invest in me'. And strategically, Lucio's advice makes a lot of sense towards balancing self-agency and intimacy as well.

Keep us posted, and I sincerely hope it turns out for the best, for both of you.

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#5 · August 26, 2020, 10:53 pm

Thanks for the advice, it makes a lot of sense and I will try to do that. I am gonna keep you posted:)

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#6 · September 6, 2020, 10:06 am

Well it didn’t end well. The day before the party he said it was cancelled but he is coming 18th for another party. I replied that it was a shame because I was looking forward to see him and I thought we had a plan to meet party or not, and i am busy like he is so last minute cancelations and maybe/maybe not plans in two weeks doesn’t really work, but that it is okay. But he didn’t open it or reply, so I am kinda dissapointed.

#7 · September 6, 2020, 2:17 pm

Sounds fishy, I'm not gonna lie. He could be busy - or he could be playing a 'chase me' game. Either way, it's a defection, so defect as well; if anyone wants anyone else to invest in them, they should be prepared to do the same. Hold firm boundaries and be ready to walk away if the other party defects. Staying busy is a good idea, not just in this context, but for life in general - keep going and living!

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#8 · September 6, 2020, 3:46 pm

Thanks for the reply. Yes it seems weird, and while ignoring my msg he is still watching my status. So yeah I will see but it continues I have to let it go, went out with my friends instead so yeah trying to stay busy and don’t put everything on pause because of him, eventhough I really enjoyed being with him and he seems hreat in person

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#9 · September 9, 2020, 9:07 pm

Sorry to hear that, Helena.
That's how it goes, sometimes.

If you'd like a feedback on your message, it was a fair option to either:

Say it's not cool: you hold firm boundaries on what it's OK and not OK. A bit of a judge power move, too, as you indirectly say "your behavior doesn't cut it", but fair game. Potentially, he might backtrack and apologize big time, or it might push him away as he avoids replying because he's been shamed
Say it's OK: no biggies, you show yourself as more free-flowing and spontaneous.

It seems like you did both in your reply. However, it's difficult to mix the two and do it well.

When you first say "it's not cool" and then you end by saying "it's OK", then it can come across as passive-aggressive.
Such as, you first act assertively, but then retreat and hide your discontent, and make it seem like it didn't really bother you.

To feel what I mean, imagine a friend of yours who makes a sad face when you tell her you cannot join and then adds "oh, I was really hoping you could". Then, after you repeat you really have an important thing to do, she says again "but it's OK, no worries", but still with a disappointed face and a sad intonation.
It feels like she is trying to make you feel guilty even while she is retreating and pretending it's OK. That's the passive-aggressive part.

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#10 · September 12, 2020, 3:05 pm

Quote from helena on September 12, 2020, 3:05 pm
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 9, 2020, 9:07 pm
Sorry to hear that, Helena.
That's how it goes, sometimes.
If you'd like a feedback on your message, it was a fair option to either:
Say it's not cool: you hold firm boundaries on what it's OK and not OK. A bit of a judge power move, too, as you indirectly say "your behavior doesn't cut it", but fair game. Potentially, he might backtrack and apologize big time, or it might push him away as he avoids replying because he's been shamed
Say it's OK: no biggies, you show yourself as more free-flowing and spontaneous.
It seems like you did both in your reply. However, it's difficult to mix the two and do it well.
When you first say "it's not cool" and then you end by saying "it's OK", then it can come across as passive-aggressive.
Such as, you first act assertively, but then retreat and hide your discontent, and make it seem like it didn't really bother you.
To feel what I mean, imagine a friend of yours who makes a sad face when you tell her you cannot join and then adds "oh, I was really hoping you could". Then, after you repeat you really have an important thing to do, she says again "but it's OK, no worries", but still with a disappointed face and a sad intonation.
It feels like she is trying to make you feel guilty even while she is retreating and pretending it's OK. That's the passive-aggressive part.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 9, 2020, 9:07 pm
Sorry to hear that, Helena.
That's how it goes, sometimes.
If you'd like a feedback on your message, it was a fair option to either:
Say it's not cool: you hold firm boundaries on what it's OK and not OK. A bit of a judge power move, too, as you indirectly say "your behavior doesn't cut it", but fair game. Potentially, he might backtrack and apologize big time, or it might push him away as he avoids replying because he's been shamed
Say it's OK: no biggies, you show yourself as more free-flowing and spontaneous.
It seems like you did both in your reply. However, it's difficult to mix the two and do it well.
When you first say "it's not cool" and then you end by saying "it's OK", then it can come across as passive-aggressive.
Such as, you first act assertively, but then retreat and hide your discontent, and make it seem like it didn't really bother you.
To feel what I mean, imagine a friend of yours who makes a sad face when you tell her you cannot join and then adds "oh, I was really hoping you could". Then, after you repeat you really have an important thing to do, she says again "but it's OK, no worries", but still with a disappointed face and a sad intonation.
It feels like she is trying to make you feel guilty even while she is retreating and pretending it's OK. That's the passive-aggressive part.

lost the log in details so I am replying from this account.
Thanks I can see now how my response could come off as being passive aggresive. And he probably felt that as I didn’t get a response, only him checking my post. I just got confused by his initial response as he at the same time sent another invite for next week. But I guess it is better to let it go.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 9, 2020, 9:07 pm
Sorry to hear that, Helena.
That's how it goes, sometimes.
If you'd like a feedback on your message, it was a fair option to either:
Say it's not cool: you hold firm boundaries on what it's OK and not OK. A bit of a judge power move, too, as you indirectly say "your behavior doesn't cut it", but fair game. Potentially, he might backtrack and apologize big time, or it might push him away as he avoids replying because he's been shamed
Say it's OK: no biggies, you show yourself as more free-flowing and spontaneous.
It seems like you did both in your reply. However, it's difficult to mix the two and do it well.
When you first say "it's not cool" and then you end by saying "it's OK", then it can come across as passive-aggressive.
Such as, you first act assertively, but then retreat and hide your discontent, and make it seem like it didn't really bother you.
To feel what I mean, imagine a friend of yours who makes a sad face when you tell her you cannot join and then adds "oh, I was really hoping you could". Then, after you repeat you really have an important thing to do, she says again "but it's OK, no worries", but still with a disappointed face and a sad intonation.
It feels like she is trying to make you feel guilty even while she is retreating and pretending it's OK. That's the passive-aggressive part.

lost the log in details so I am replying from this account.

Thanks I can see now how my response could come off as being passive aggresive. And he probably felt that as I didn’t get a response, only him checking my post. I just got confused by his initial response as he at the same time sent another invite for next week. But I guess it is better to let it go.

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