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Difference between an Excuse and an Explanation
Hello everyone,
this one has been a challenge for me since I started self-development and learned about taking responsibility.
Again, I'll start with definitions from the Oxford dictionary:
Excuse: seek to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offence); try to justify. Example: he did nothing to hide or excuse Jacob's cruelty.
Explanation: a statement or account that makes something clear. Example: the birth rate is central to any explanation of population trends.
So it's quite clear once one has the definitions (and I'm almost feeling shameful to have kept this confusion in my head for so long). Copy-pasting these, now I understand better some of the misunderstandings I had here. In real life, it does not happen to me as far as I recall it. I think that the reason is that in spoken language I preface it by: "Not trying to make an excuse here. For me what happened was...." (maybe I could have used this here, I don't know how effective this would have been?).
And yes I can see now how this can be used as a power move. One can pretend to explain something whereas this person is actually making an excuse. I am now also understanding that this can be done consciously or unconsciously.
Consciously: this can be used to evade responsibility of one's words or actions.
Unconsciously: If one is used to reactively give excuses to defend oneself, one can be convinced one is giving an explanation whereas one is actually making an excuse. People will feel this person is not taking responsibility for their words or actions, rightly so as this person is actually not. This will inevitably lead to a miscommunication and a feeling of manipulation: "This guy is making excuses and when a light is shone/shined on it he gives even more excuses" whereas the other person can feel: "I'm trying to give a honest explanation and I'm not being understood here", which leads to even more misunderstandings.
Again, I'm taking responsibility for my recent mistake as you guys read. This post is not here to make excuses nor to evade anything (that would take the cake ("être le comble" in French, "il colmo di qc" in Italian). This post is actually quite selfish as I wanted to clear this for myself first. If this is useful for you as well, even better!
This post is an important lesson for me. I take the opportunity to thank you all as your recent feed-backs could allow me to clear this in my mind and this was important: I've been looking for years for a clear answer to this question. So your feed-back was quite valuable to me and will help me to realize when I'm making excuses while thinking I'm giving an explanation. As Lucio said: the first step is to acknowledge the mistake (and for the other party to make the person has understood the nature of the mistake) and once this is settled, as an aside one can talk about their own perspective for improved communication. I do agree and think it's important to separate both. So this was definitely a pattern of behaviour I was not aware of. I'll be more watchful of this behaviour in me now that I'm aware of it.
I'm happy to read your thoughts!
Cheers!
Hi John
Nicely articulated
+1 on that. Getting it straight myself.  In my mind taking accountability is the difference. E.g. the commonplace where you are late to a group meeting.
"Sorry everyone, terrible traffic I should have allowed more time. Now one one I thought we could discuss as a group..."
One liner (don't negative thread expand), takes accountability (traffic isn't from God it can be expected and I control my schedule) and moves past.
Another way is just drop into meeting chat if they are mid discussion.
Now for back to back meetings that you can't control we all should remember to drop a chat note to the host saying we could be late. Then no need for explanation.
Hello John, Kevin, everyone
Awesome post, John. I have troubles with this as well, and your text helped to clarify concepts that are, for me, often very difficult to tell apart.
I believe Kevin's answer also provides a very nice blueprint to avoid looking like we are making excuses:
"Sorry everyone (an actual apology, since you take ownership of your fault in the next step, but saying "I apologize" would be too much), terrible traffic I should have allowed more time (takes full ownership of the blame). Now one one I thought we could discuss as a group..." (move on, avoid thread-expanding on the blame or letting it hang, which would have looked too submissive).
I agree with Kevin that the crucial step is:
- Own the blame unambiguously and apologize (with the intensity of the apologizing matching the severity of the fault)
Then, if the offense/fault was not such a big deal (as in Kevin's example), clarify it quickly and then move on to business.
Now, if your fault/offense is more in the orange/red and you want to show a little more consideration to your interlocutor, clarify a little more (after taking accountability). It could go like this, expanding on your own suggestion:
I was wrong doing X, Y, Z, and I apologize. Not trying to make an excuse here. Still, I want you guys to understand my perspective on doing this, and why it seemed the right thing to do at the time. For me what happened was..."
There are more shades of gray that I think are worth exploring. I'll probably write more about this soon after thinking a bit.
In the meanwhile, I'm also interested in what you guys think. Cheers!
Hello, guys
After re-reading the latest Feedbacks & Clarifications entries, I've just realized that the essence of my answer to this thread was actually a recent Lucio's post that I read some days ago:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 28, 2022, 8:43 amSOLUTION:
Generally speaking, it's much better to do this:
- own it
- apologize
- keep your explaining brief (or it feels like diluting)
- mark your questions as "an aside" (or it feels like a power move. Like you're asking questions to play dumb, divert from the issue, task others, make them invest with their explanation, and "dilute your ownership and apology")
Sorry, Lucio, for not giving proper credit, I'll be more watchful the next time.
I quote it here because I feel that the difference between an excuse and an explanation is such a crucial and misunderstood (by myself included) concept, that I think it deserves its own entry in the forum, dictionary and PU. So, power moves aside (as I believe they are already being addressed in the other thread) I'd like to thank Lucio for the solution, John for starting the thread and presenting the difference in such a clear manner, and Kevin for the very sucint example.
To sum up my own understanding, I'd say then that an "excuse" is an explanation that doesn't fully own up the fault/offense (apology included) and either tries to lessen it or to divert attention from it.
Quote from Transitioned on January 2, 2023, 2:28 amIn my mind taking accountability is the difference.
"Sorry everyone, terrible traffic I should have allowed more time. Now one one I thought we could discuss as a group..."
One liner (don't negative thread expand), takes accountability (traffic isn't from God it can be expected and I control my schedule) and moves past.
You bring an important nuance here that is mandatory for being accurate in the story telling. That is, the sharing of responsibility. As Lucio pointed out some time ago, the mindset of "extreme ownership" has its limit (compared to "doing your best").
"Sorry everyone, I should have allowed more time. Now one one I thought we could discuss as a group..."
Without mentioning the external factor which is part of the reality, one is taking on too much responsibility. So there is an aftertaste of God complex and/or doormat syndrome as in "I'm all powerful and could have prevented it" and/or "I'm so bad that I failed again".
"Sorry everyone, terrible traffic I should have allowed more time. Now one one I thought we could discuss as a group..."
Whereas with your solution, reality is described more accurately and responsibility is more adequately shared: traffic was bad AND I left too late -> external and internal reasons. Not dwelling on it is key as well: "this is what happened now let's focus on the current matter".
I quote it here because I feel that the difference between an excuse and an explanation is such a crucial and misunderstood (by myself included) concept, that I think it deserves its own entry in the forum, dictionary and PU.
Thank you for your consideration, Kavalier. As I said, it was a topic that was on my mind for years so I'm happy to have found a clearer understanding of it, for myself at least.
To sum up my own understanding, I'd say then that an "excuse" is an explanation that doesn't fully own up the fault/offense (apology included) and either tries to lessen it or to divert attention from it.
Definitely!
Quote from Transitioned on January 2, 2023, 2:28 am"Sorry everyone, terrible traffic I should have allowed more time. Now..."
One liner (don't negative thread expand), takes accountability (traffic isn't from God it can be expected and I control my schedule) and moves past.
BOOM!
This was really really good.
Also a nice little change:
"Sorry everyone, terrible traffic AND I should have allowed more time. Now..."
This way both propositions are equally true.
You end a bit less strongly with your own responsibility and give a bit more weight to the traffic.
Also the "sincere" option is fair if you have enough leverage or rank to speak just a tad longer:
"Sorry everyone, not to sound like an excuse, but worst traffic in months. And at the same time, I could have allowed more time. Anyway, now we're here and let's make up some time going straight into it...
Another good approach when possible is to show empathy with your own emotions:
Sorry guys, I was so upset for the delay and keep you waiting that I was this close to road-raging at the traffic (<--- said with a slight smile to show you're exaggerating and weren't going to road rage)
My apologies really, and now...
This is not the best for work and not for when you're lower rank because taking this much time feels like a power move.
But it's great for leaders or more informal groups since there is no presupposition that one should be "time efficient" and "respectful of other people's time" (and sharing an interesting story instead can be value-adding).
Thank you very much Lucio, in my notes!
Great, great post. Thanks to John for raising this topic!
All of the thoughts here made me think about the nuances of explanations much more. Especially the point that when you ramble on and on about how sorry you are, you look submissive and lose power. An eagle is focused on efficiency and wouldn't spend too much on emotional reactions that are not proportional to the situation. Also really appreciate the point of "ownership", especially when the speaker is high ranked - establishing fallibility to avoid looking too overpowering. I think this is a technique effective leaders often use to build rapport.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 9, 2023, 11:06 amAnother good approach when possible is to show empathy with your own emotions:
Sorry guys, I was so upset for the delay and keep you waiting that I was this close to road-raging at the traffic (<--- said with a slight smile to show you're exaggerating and weren't going to road rage)
My apologies really, and now...This is not the best for work and not for when you're lower rank because taking this much time feels like a power move.
But it's great for leaders or more informal groups since there is no presupposition that one should be "time efficient" and "respectful of other people's time" (and sharing an interesting story instead can be value-adding).
I feel this emotional response would have worked better for circles that value more bonding/sympathy than efficiency/productivity. For example, emotional support groups where people are emotionally close and understand each other's challenges (showing a bit more of your emotions as being authentic), or if traffic is a known and lingering issue to almost everyone (emotional resonance), but would be too much for most situations.
