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Early relationship: power-renegotiation example
Hello TPM community,
I started recently a relationship with a smart beautiful girl (half-italian half-swiss). We started to see each other about a month ago. Great chemistry, compatibility, lots of points in common, I got very lucky here. She values me a lot as well.
So we are in the early phase of power-renegotiation (ref: PU). She already said to me several times during sex that she loves me. I did not reciprocate as I find it early for me and I don't feel these feelings yet. That's why I'm also very cautious in relationships: I noticed that women tend to fall very quickly in love (with me? might be similar experience for many other men as well/part of female nature) and I don't want to hurt anyone/false expectations. That's for the context.
So no official relationships status yet and of course she's pushing for it (power on my side). She asked questions earlier to understand what was in my mind between the first 3 dates. Of course in her mind all kinds of scenarios were running: I just played her for sex, etc. In my mind, I told her I live in the moment and see where it goes. I told her I don't analyze as much. Of course, I had this dilemma about my future and dating goals but not about her. I liked her she's pretty, I want to see her again if I don't see any red flags.
We were in bed going to go to sleep, she goes:
Her: you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Why haven't you found someone yet?
Me: well, women are very demanding nowadays [cites the survey: women find 80% of men unattractive because they're looking for the top dogs]. And I think there are not many pretty women in our city. There's a minority of pretty women here. Also I went out with some women but after the first date was not interested.
Her: do you find me pretty?
Me: well, people don't go with women they don't find pretty. So of course, yes.
Her: would you say you have a lot of success generally speaking?
Me: well as I said on dating apps, it's challenging for me and all my friends. In real life, I would say that several women are attracted to me.
Her: So for you this is serious?
Me: I'm a bit annoyed with your questions. I don't feel like answering.
Her: Ok.
Analysis
Her: you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Why haven't you found someone yet?
This is one of her way of speaking. It's a bit manipulative but it's fair. It's like "feel free to". It's a nudge. The question is about (from the way she's giving me compliments: I'm beautiful, cute, funny, smart but I don't think it's love bombing I'm being observant still) how a man of your quality/value is single at your age? So it's both a compliment and asking for what is wrong with me. Fair question. I'm ok to answer it.
Me: well, women are very demanding nowadays [cites the survey: women find 80% of men unattractive because they're looking for the top dogs]. And I think there are not many pretty women in our city. There's a minority of pretty women here. Also I went out with some women but after the first date was not interested.
Tells her the truth about my experience. But I give away that there is a minority of pretty women so I tell her I don't have many options.
Her: do you find me pretty?
Leading question. There's only one possible answer. And this answer makes her rare according to my previous statement. She already told me that she got many notifications on Tinder (and I don't). So power re-negotiation here: 1. she's in demand 2. there are few pretty girls here 3. she's pretty. 4. she's the prize.
Me: well, people don't go with women they don't find pretty. So of course, yes.
States the obvious. Fell for the leading question even though I knew what she was doing. Starts to feel uneasy because feel I'm being led.
Her: would you say you have a lot of success generally speaking?
Here it's a double-bind: if I say yes, means I'm a player/boast but I state my value/quality. If I say no, it means I have little options and she gets even more power.
Me: well as I said on dating apps, it's challenging for me and all my friends. In real life, I would say that several women are attracted to me. However, I choose not to date at work and in truth there are not so many pretty nurses.
Aware of what's going on I state the truth but answer to her question: other women find me attractive. Also tells her that I'm not going to cheat with a woman at work/am not interested: more power for her. She did not say the same. And so far it's me who's being "questioned", she has the judge role here.
Her: So for you this is serious?
And now the trap can be closed on me: She's in demand, I've been struggling to find a pretty girl, the logical conclusion is that I won't find a better mate and I should commit. (By trap I exaggerate on purpose, but I felt a bit like that).
Me: I'm a bit annoyed with your questions. I don't feel like answering.
Feels that I'm being led to a conclusion through steps that give her too much power. In truth, my alternative is to meet beautiful women elsewhere. So in truth I have options I just don't exercise them here as here I don't have as many high quality options.
Her: Ok.
Here cannot imagine what she was thinking, just ok with ending the conversation.
Inside I felt a lot of status as she basically expanded on my romantic challenges, which is an insecurity still. Just like when my sister talking about teenagers told me: "They fuck more than you". Women can be harsh regarding relationships. They know what they want and they're going to do whatever is needed to get it. They're quite aggressive regarding relationships.
My frame now is: "I'm a free man and I can do whatever I want as long as I respect others". So yes we have intellectual, physical compatibility, sense of humour, same level of desire of cuddle/hugs, same family history, same love for water, restaurants, etc. She's physically my type: blue eyes, big tits, big ass but they are firm. Very pretty face, etc.
So very very very compatible. The most compatible woman I met so far (even if not blonde! :) )
BUT my freedom is more important. That means that if I feel I want something/someone else I'll stop the relationship. It's the first woman I could picture myself having children with so good. Here I talk about power dynamics despite all the good things. Important to cite them though.
My message: even if a woman is the best woman in the World, that should not get us out of our path/off our goals. At least these are my values. There are millions of other women and others which are compatible in a different way. So very very valuable but not at any price. Of course, there is a compromise here on time/pleasure/connection with those other goals. Opportunity cost.
Happy to know what you guys think about this.
I know you know mate but don't forget your basics. Men are the romantic ones who attach too early. She s trying out some role plays in her head and seeing how she feels about them. The feels the damned feels
Don't get too scarcified. Otherwise it will be like sand between your fingers the harder you hold on.
Mindset remember no matter how beautiful a woman is somewhere there is some guy who is tired of all her shit. And if you found one beautiful girl you can find another. You said it but you have to really believe it.
One thing I always try and do is the pause. When they hit you with the big shit test that's meant to suddenly Spike the drama in the room. I will say yeah babe in a sec. And I go make a coffee go pitstop whatever. Takes the pressure off it being improv and lowers the drama.
That's key because you are better than me at this stuff. I can sit here at my keyboard and come up with a couple of perfect answers with hindsight and if I can come up with two you can probably come up with five. It's about how you react in the moment and if you can make the moment into a few moments well then you have a better tactical position
By the way given your age if she is early 30s why things haven't worked out with other girls is probably a big question for her. Clock is ticking on her becoming a mother.
If the topic comes up again and it will I would offer a bit of reassurance.
I guess I haven't met the one babe but it will happen. And give her an up and down look.
Could also explain the pressure on commitment. She might be speed shopping.
Hello Transitioned,
thank you very much for your answers. They make sense to me and are very helpful. Yes, my way is to take it slow and let it come naturally and she wants things to move faster.
Hey John, I personally see a bit of reactivity to her questions/frames.
So my approach would be to lead more, including from a frame control point of view.
From an attitude point of view, I've never been a fan of the "girls are silly and cute" PUA mantra but... In a few cases you do want to take things -and women's questions- less seriously.
For example:
Her: Do you find me pretty?
That's a question where a "LOL attitude" is a perfect fit.
Not in a derisive way, but in a "ahah, you so silly, don't worry, you're alright".
She wants you to lead and fly higher there.
Hello Lucio,
so so helpful thank you very much! You’re totally right. In my notes.
Yes, I’m reading the control of women part in PU and I do see myself doing some of those things (making fun of women, etc.). So no shame but time for a change. So it’s about being an Eagle in my relationship now.
Thanks for the advice, eye-opening. For real.
P.S. and edit:
Eheh rather than ahah, it's more of a subdued reaction.
And the higher power mindset is:
Eehe, women, always want my reassurance that I like them.
High-power, smooth delivery is:
Slight smile spreading, no rushing, not looking at her. It's as if you're reflecting to yourself, amused, thinking of similar situations in the past (sub-communicates pre-selection, worldliness, high-value).
And then slightly shake your head, slowly turn and talk to her and reassure her and make her feel good.
And she swoons.
Boom! Thank you very much! Need to study this - bit more: advanced.
That’s how I feel it does (at 26s: on my phone cannot link directly) in terms of impact:
Yeah as I told Transitioned: I was not ready for that many power play in a relationship. Now that I’m more power aware I see them. It really shows how mainstream advice is shit: just be yourself. Yeah right on mate.
So I’ve got to be even higher power now.
Edit: what would have been better if I would have said: “there are not many women who fit my tastes in the city” higher power. Also I told her that beauty is very important to me: so I’m giving her way too much power. Gotta take some back and build more.
I realize that I was right: I lost the power re-negotiation so now I'm power down. We established that there are few pretty women so she's high value.
She's still chasing me but I've been chasing her too much and too much pull.
So as a friend advised me: more push-pull, less availability, higher power, more dominant, abundance mentality. Laws of power always apply in any situation.
It's my first beautiful woman (meaning: highly in demand), so I've got tons to learn here. I've got to step up my game anyway.
So to add value for readers and go from specific to general:
With a beautiful woman who's been told her whole life she's beautiful, who's praised daily for her beauty and who's on demand in real life and on dating apps:
During the early relationship and power re-negotiation: don't mention she's beautiful (implying she's in-demand) it highlights the SMV differential. If you're not a 1-10% man, she is higher SMV due to her power on the dating market. More men are chasing her than women chasing me for instance. And the quality of women chasing me is not the same as the quality of men chasing her.
So it means that I must increase my SMV, not for her but for me. It's just added motivation. So my goal is to become a 1-10% man. It's doable but I have to work on the areas where I can be stronger (physical strength, clothes, teeth, posture, voice, sex, etc.).
