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Falling for Someone Too Quickly
Hello Community!
Often after the first date, I've noticed myself falling for a person if they demonstrate a handful of characteristics I deeply value; even if I notice red flags or my gut saying "No". Recently, I went on a date with someone who may have been narcissistic or psychopathic (I not a professional nor experienced with these populations, so I can't say for certain, but everyone in my life said "Run"). I cut off the relationship after the first date, but find myself wanting to return to them and I harbor feelings for them.
I hope I did not stray too far off topic - my question is: why do some people fall for someone quickly? does it stem from insecurity? insecure attachment?
Thanks y'all.
Hello Community!
Often after the first date, I've noticed myself falling for a person if they demonstrate a handful of characteristics I deeply value; even if I notice red flags or my gut saying "No". Recently, I went on a date with someone who may have been narcissistic or psychopathic (I not a professional nor experienced with these populations, so I can't say for certain, but everyone in my life said "Run"). I cut off the relationship after the first date, but find myself wanting to return to them and I harbor feelings for them.
I hope I did not stray too far off topic - my question is: why do some people fall for someone quickly? does it stem from insecurity? insecure attachment?
Thanks y'all.
Quote from
Kellvo on August 24, 2020, 7:30 pm
Hey Complecity!
I'm going to be frank with you, I cannot completely answer this; a lot of what you describe is personal and not for me to resolve. But in my own (painful) experience and personal observation, 'falling in love' has three major components:
- The person is unhappy in some way, especially because they feel they are missing something that the other can provide. This is known as neediness, and Robert Greene describes it as an essential condition of seduction.
- The person is in some form of power down position in relation to the other; this can be from an SMV disparity, a triggered insecurity, lower power (situational or long-term) and more.
- The person idealizes the other as a solution to their own problems in some way, which mixes with sexual and/or romantic interest and causes them to 'fall in love'. In the Manosphere, this is known as oneitis.
Ultimately, it is one-sided unearned investment, made possible by a lack of personal power. This is separate from mutual earned investment over time, which is the bedrock of Secure attachment relationships. Anxious attachment people give attachment without return, while Avoidants don't give it even when it is earned. As someone with definite Avoidant tendencies myself, I can testify that both are harmful in different ways.
As for a solution, that's up to you, but studying power dynamics here might help you. You'll be able to see games being played better and learn how to defend against them. I'd especially recommend trying out Lucio's Ultimate Power eBook because it goes into detail about mindsets and what you can do to gain power in your life. I'd also look into Mark Manson's Models as a dating guide that also deals with neediness and personal development. Whatever road you go down, I wish you the best of luck.
Hey Complecity!
I'm going to be frank with you, I cannot completely answer this; a lot of what you describe is personal and not for me to resolve. But in my own (painful) experience and personal observation, 'falling in love' has three major components:
- The person is unhappy in some way, especially because they feel they are missing something that the other can provide. This is known as neediness, and Robert Greene describes it as an essential condition of seduction.
- The person is in some form of power down position in relation to the other; this can be from an SMV disparity, a triggered insecurity, lower power (situational or long-term) and more.
- The person idealizes the other as a solution to their own problems in some way, which mixes with sexual and/or romantic interest and causes them to 'fall in love'. In the Manosphere, this is known as oneitis.
Ultimately, it is one-sided unearned investment, made possible by a lack of personal power. This is separate from mutual earned investment over time, which is the bedrock of Secure attachment relationships. Anxious attachment people give attachment without return, while Avoidants don't give it even when it is earned. As someone with definite Avoidant tendencies myself, I can testify that both are harmful in different ways.
As for a solution, that's up to you, but studying power dynamics here might help you. You'll be able to see games being played better and learn how to defend against them. I'd especially recommend trying out Lucio's Ultimate Power eBook because it goes into detail about mindsets and what you can do to gain power in your life. I'd also look into Mark Manson's Models as a dating guide that also deals with neediness and personal development. Whatever road you go down, I wish you the best of luck.
Lucio Buffalmano, tnboy and 3 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanotnboylazzzzStefcomplecity
@kellvo - thanks for the recommendations and the insight; I realize this often happens when I believe there's a SMV disparity and I often experience one-itis.
Profoundly helpful.
@kellvo - thanks for the recommendations and the insight; I realize this often happens when I believe there's a SMV disparity and I often experience one-itis.
Profoundly helpful.
Quote from
tnboy on August 25, 2020, 8:58 pm
Thanks, Kellvo extremely valuable!
Thanks, Kellvo extremely valuable!
