Former Community – We Moved

🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.

ForumPublic Forum: Power DynamicsFeeling scammed

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Feeling scammed

#1 · May 10, 2020, 11:31 am

Quote from John Freeman on May 10, 2020, 11:31 am
Hello Lucio,
here is a question about an event that happened to me recently.
My goal was to make a new picture for my LinkedIn profile/CV. My hairdresser proposed me to do it since he's also taking photographs. I accepted since I like him and respect him. He said 50 euros, I said ok first. Then I thought about it and told him: 30 would be better for me. He argued back (I have to use photoshop, etc.), so I said ok for 50.
The appointment comes and I'm waiting for him to finish with a customer as he's cutting hair. 45 minutes passes and he doesn't apologise or anything. So I tell him: "We said 2:30pm, I'm going to do some errands I have to do some stuff, I'll be back". He says "ok, when?", I say "15 min". I'm back after having done my errands and he's not finished. So I exploded, I said: "dude, I cannot wait 1 hour". He said: "ok, ok, we're doing it now". I said: "I don't have time I have other things to do". I left and later I realised I spoke with anger and should apologise. He calls me back and I agree to go to his salon because I need the picture and I want a good relationship with him.
I apologise several times, he "showed his teeth" (you can be glad it's the first time it happens, etc.). It "supposedly" was miscommunication (my frame) about the appointment time but anyway, he me he made me wait 1 hour without any explanation or apologies for my time. Then we do the pictures and I think they're ok (what can I do?). Then he sends me bad resolution pictures so I ask him: could you send me the original + JPG in high quality please? He does it.
In the end: I paid 50 euros, I'm not satisfied with the picture (I won't use it) and I got disrespected by my hairdresser.
Lesson learned: go to the professional people instead of amateur trying to make a quick buck with dubious skills.
So now, I want to keep him as my hairdresser (I considered to change, though) but I feel the exchange was unfair. I'm thinking of letting it slip or tell him only if he asks me that I won't be using it. He's a cool guy who gave me plenty of advice and support in difficult times.
What would you guys do?

Hello Lucio,

here is a question about an event that happened to me recently.

My goal was to make a new picture for my LinkedIn profile/CV. My hairdresser proposed me to do it since he's also taking photographs. I accepted since I like him and respect him. He said 50 euros, I said ok first. Then I thought about it and told him: 30 would be better for me. He argued back (I have to use photoshop, etc.), so I said ok for 50.

The appointment comes and I'm waiting for him to finish with a customer as he's cutting hair. 45 minutes passes and he doesn't apologise or anything. So I tell him: "We said 2:30pm, I'm going to do some errands I have to do some stuff, I'll be back". He says "ok, when?", I say "15 min". I'm back after having done my errands and he's not finished. So I exploded, I said: "dude, I cannot wait 1 hour". He said: "ok, ok, we're doing it now". I said: "I don't have time I have other things to do". I left and later I realised I spoke with anger and should apologise. He calls me back and I agree to go to his salon because I need the picture and I want a good relationship with him.

I apologise several times, he "showed his teeth" (you can be glad it's the first time it happens, etc.). It "supposedly" was miscommunication (my frame) about the appointment time but anyway, he me he made me wait 1 hour without any explanation or apologies for my time. Then we do the pictures and I think they're ok (what can I do?). Then he sends me bad resolution pictures so I ask him: could you send me the original + JPG in high quality please? He does it.

In the end: I paid 50 euros, I'm not satisfied with the picture (I won't use it) and I got disrespected by my hairdresser.

Lesson learned: go to the professional people instead of amateur trying to make a quick buck with dubious skills.

So now, I want to keep him as my hairdresser (I considered to change, though) but I feel the exchange was unfair. I'm thinking of letting it slip or tell him only if he asks me that I won't be using it. He's a cool guy who gave me plenty of advice and support in difficult times.

What would you guys do?

#2 · May 11, 2020, 12:26 am

Quote from Ali Scarlett on May 11, 2020, 12:26 am
Hi John,
That's an interesting situation, and it sounds like you were treated very unfairly (time cannot be replaced or given back). Here are my thoughts on what happened as well as what I would have done:
1. Your Hairdresser's Proposition
Here's what I understand. Your hairdresser proposed taking your photograph for your LinkedIn profile and you accepted because you like and respect him.
In the book, Life Strategies For Teens by Jay McGraw, McGraw lists what he calls "life laws" that we must follow. The first law is to know and acknowledge the 10 most common characteristics of all people.
The characteristic that comes to mind when you describe your reason for agreeing to work with him is this:
Life Law One - Characteristic Seven: People like, trust, and believe those who like them.
This is more formally referred to as the Liking (by Association) principle of persuasion. One way that "liking" works is that we buy more from those we like. In this case, you bought into the idea of working with your hairdresser because of the rapport that you've built with him.
In your shoes, I would have accepted that my decision is affected by "Liking" and verified his authority in photography by asking to see some authority tools, such as pictures he's taken for his previous clients, proof of his proficiency in photoshop (maybe a course certificate from Skillshare or Udemy?), etc.
2. Negotiating with Your Hairdresser
I like how you added your lesson learned piece, it shows you have a good growth mindset :).
First, when he negotiated back up to $50, you could have done something recommended by my Yale professor in a negotiation class I took that I call "Disapproval Signaling: Information Digging". The way that negotiation strategy works is this:
You were in a weaker information position. You didn't know how much he usually charges his other clients and you didn't know how low he was really willing to go. It sounds like you trusted that $50 was a fair price because you like him and since he "argued back" you didn't want to risk losing your friendship with him over $20 euros.
What you could have done is say:
You: "Well, I have to check with my [partner, spouse, accountant, etc.]..."
Basically, if the number he offered you was adequate you would have shaken hands with him right then and there and he knows that. By having to check with someone else first and demonstrating that you have the walkway power, you signal to your hairdresser that the price he offered wasn't good enough. When he realizes that, he may take his price down a bit for you. If he doesn't budge at all, it signals to you how much he values the money, how much he's really willing to accept, how important the deal is to him, how high he values your friendship in comparison to his business, etc.
Also, if going to a professional photographer was an option, that would have been a great opportunity to leverage the power of competition in addition to signaling disapproval. If you have access to the pros, you have alternatives to your hairdresser so you have power.
The difference to think about is that professional photographers have proof of credibility that distinguish them as professionals in their field. You can use that to negotiate from $50 back down to $30 until you're hairdresser shows adequate proof that he is qualified to carry out his end of the deal to your expectations. If his authority tools aren't satisfactory, you can use that to negotiate back down to $30.
3. Drawing Your Boundaries
I recommend you give this post a read to know what you should do next and how you could have handled the situation a bit better. Your time is important and I genuinely feel like it's only fair if your time is given the respect it deserves (especially when you had an appointment).
However, when drawing your boundaries, be sure to use positive sentence structure, warmth is still important.
You asked, "What would you guys do," so the above is the route I most likely would have taken had I been in your position.
As a quick note, $30 was a pretty round number. He may have thought that you were throwing a random low number out there because you didn't want to pay too much which caused him to argue back. You could have used a precise number like $28, so he could think that there's some added factor or principle that you gave thought to in your ask. (That's called the "Precise Bid Tactic".) I didn't put that above because that number is quite low so it might have insulted him.
I still have a lot to learn myself, so if there's anything about my method, approach, or strategy you would like to add please feel free to exchange ideas with me on it.
Ali

Hi John,

That's an interesting situation, and it sounds like you were treated very unfairly (time cannot be replaced or given back). Here are my thoughts on what happened as well as what I would have done:

1. Your Hairdresser's Proposition

Here's what I understand. Your hairdresser proposed taking your photograph for your LinkedIn profile and you accepted because you like and respect him.

In the book, Life Strategies For Teens by Jay McGraw, McGraw lists what he calls "life laws" that we must follow. The first law is to know and acknowledge the 10 most common characteristics of all people.

The characteristic that comes to mind when you describe your reason for agreeing to work with him is this:

Life Law One - Characteristic Seven: People like, trust, and believe those who like them.

This is more formally referred to as the Liking (by Association) principle of persuasion. One way that "liking" works is that we buy more from those we like. In this case, you bought into the idea of working with your hairdresser because of the rapport that you've built with him.

In your shoes, I would have accepted that my decision is affected by "Liking" and verified his authority in photography by asking to see some authority tools, such as pictures he's taken for his previous clients, proof of his proficiency in photoshop (maybe a course certificate from Skillshare or Udemy?), etc.

2. Negotiating with Your Hairdresser

I like how you added your lesson learned piece, it shows you have a good growth mindset :).

First, when he negotiated back up to $50, you could have done something recommended by my Yale professor in a negotiation class I took that I call "Disapproval Signaling: Information Digging". The way that negotiation strategy works is this:

You were in a weaker information position. You didn't know how much he usually charges his other clients and you didn't know how low he was really willing to go. It sounds like you trusted that $50 was a fair price because you like him and since he "argued back" you didn't want to risk losing your friendship with him over $20 euros.

What you could have done is say:

You: "Well, I have to check with my [partner, spouse, accountant, etc.]..."

Basically, if the number he offered you was adequate you would have shaken hands with him right then and there and he knows that. By having to check with someone else first and demonstrating that you have the walkway power, you signal to your hairdresser that the price he offered wasn't good enough. When he realizes that, he may take his price down a bit for you. If he doesn't budge at all, it signals to you how much he values the money, how much he's really willing to accept, how important the deal is to him, how high he values your friendship in comparison to his business, etc.

Also, if going to a professional photographer was an option, that would have been a great opportunity to leverage the power of competition in addition to signaling disapproval. If you have access to the pros, you have alternatives to your hairdresser so you have power.

The difference to think about is that professional photographers have proof of credibility that distinguish them as professionals in their field. You can use that to negotiate from $50 back down to $30 until you're hairdresser shows adequate proof that he is qualified to carry out his end of the deal to your expectations. If his authority tools aren't satisfactory, you can use that to negotiate back down to $30.

3. Drawing Your Boundaries

I recommend you give this post a read to know what you should do next and how you could have handled the situation a bit better. Your time is important and I genuinely feel like it's only fair if your time is given the respect it deserves (especially when you had an appointment).

However, when drawing your boundaries, be sure to use positive sentence structure, warmth is still important.

You asked, "What would you guys do," so the above is the route I most likely would have taken had I been in your position.

As a quick note, $30 was a pretty round number. He may have thought that you were throwing a random low number out there because you didn't want to pay too much which caused him to argue back. You could have used a precise number like $28, so he could think that there's some added factor or principle that you gave thought to in your ask. (That's called the "Precise Bid Tactic".) I didn't put that above because that number is quite low so it might have insulted him.

I still have a lot to learn myself, so if there's anything about my method, approach, or strategy you would like to add please feel free to exchange ideas with me on it.

Ali

Lucio Buffalmano and John Freeman have reacted to this post.

#3 · May 11, 2020, 5:02 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 11, 2020, 5:02 am
Good points from Ali.
A few notes from my end:
Assertiveness, Assertiveness, Assertiveness
This seemed a case of going from passive to aggressive without stopping at the sweet middle that makes fair and good relationships possible: assertiveness.
This is something that I am also still working on.
When you felt wronged while you waited, you could have spoken more clearly and said "hey, I understand it's difficult to predict time slots, and on the other hand we agreed for 2:30 and now I am sitting there 45 minutes and wasting time. Can you let me know when it will be my turn?".
Once he was done with the work, I would have said again "thanks man. Again, I understand your point of view: it's difficult to predict time slots exactly. And I am too busy to sit around and do nothing. How can we find a way where we can stick with appointments".
Revisit and Clarify the Issue
Ali linked an extremely important post for these cases. If you don't clarify the issue you will feel wronged, and he will feel you were too aggressive. If you feel you were wronged, you have the right to revist the incident at any time.
If you don't, you will stew and undermine what could be an otherwise constructive relationship.
Next time you go there, you can just say "look, I think there was a misunderstanding there and I want to clarify for one last time and then we move on (this little intro prevents him from trying to avoid or minimize the issue). I think you thought I was too aggressive, right?" (let him go first, it's better). Then, you will explain you exploded and you were wrong, and you apologize. On the other hand, you exploded because you thought it was unfair of him to let you wait one hour, because that says that you don't respect his time, which feels like you don't respect him as a person (let him apologize now).
And then you're even and can move on.
Negotiate Before You Accept
You first accepted the 50 and only after tried to negotiate.
It's 100x harder to negotiate after you've accepted, even if only verbally.
And it feels like you're reneging your previous deal.
At that point, after having accepted, I would have just stuck with the 50. In this case, 50 is cheap for a photoshoot, so no need to get too hang up on it.
To negotiate smaller sums with people you interact often, I might have just said "can you make a little discount for a long-time customer (who's trying this new service)?"

Good points from Ali.

A few notes from my end:

Assertiveness, Assertiveness, Assertiveness

This seemed a case of going from passive to aggressive without stopping at the sweet middle that makes fair and good relationships possible: assertiveness.

This is something that I am also still working on.

When you felt wronged while you waited, you could have spoken more clearly and said "hey, I understand it's difficult to predict time slots, and on the other hand we agreed for 2:30 and now I am sitting there 45 minutes and wasting time. Can you let me know when it will be my turn?".

Once he was done with the work, I would have said again "thanks man. Again, I understand your point of view: it's difficult to predict time slots exactly. And I am too busy to sit around and do nothing. How can we find a way where we can stick with appointments".

Revisit and Clarify the Issue

Ali linked an extremely important post for these cases. If you don't clarify the issue you will feel wronged, and he will feel you were too aggressive. If you feel you were wronged, you have the right to revist the incident at any time.

If you don't, you will stew and undermine what could be an otherwise constructive relationship.
Next time you go there, you can just say "look, I think there was a misunderstanding there and I want to clarify for one last time and then we move on (this little intro prevents him from trying to avoid or minimize the issue). I think you thought I was too aggressive, right?" (let him go first, it's better). Then, you will explain you exploded and you were wrong, and you apologize. On the other hand, you exploded because you thought it was unfair of him to let you wait one hour, because that says that you don't respect his time, which feels like you don't respect him as a person (let him apologize now).

And then you're even and can move on.

Negotiate Before You Accept

You first accepted the 50 and only after tried to negotiate.

It's 100x harder to negotiate after you've accepted, even if only verbally.
And it feels like you're reneging your previous deal.

At that point, after having accepted, I would have just stuck with the 50. In this case, 50 is cheap for a photoshoot, so no need to get too hang up on it.

To negotiate smaller sums with people you interact often, I might have just said "can you make a little discount for a long-time customer (who's trying this new service)?"

John Freeman and B have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#4 · May 11, 2020, 9:21 pm

Ali and Lucio : thank you very much. I have nothing to add. These are all good skills, tactics and mindset I do need to get better at. I will read the other forum posts. I think you both are 100% right.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#5 · June 6, 2020, 7:25 am

your getting scammed left and right! the sooner you realise it the sooner you can stop it! cutting your hair is a very old programmed scam. you can just shave it yourself and let it grow until you feel the need to shave it again, much like your beard. after you give into the hair cutting scam, the rest of the scams are quite easy to sell to you! your hairdresser is just up-selling scams! good for him! who promotes getting haircuts? who benefits from haircuts? and they never make you look better, and those who compliment you on your haircut are just manipulating you.