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Fight for leadership in whatsapp group.

#1 · August 14, 2023, 10:56 pm

Quote from Power Duck on August 14, 2023, 10:56 pm
Hello guys,
Today in a whatsapp group with some guys from the debate club we talked about setting a date to hang out. I had quite a dispute for the leadership with the power hungry girl (G), although I would've prefered a "shared leadership".
Here's what happened:
I had previously made a whatsapp survey to decide the day in which we would meet. It was decided that it will be on friday.
G: It seems we have a clear winner, no? Decided, friday.
Guy 1: I can't that day,... see y'all next time.
G: Now another problem, the time.... What do you all prefer, go eat somewhere, have a walk? From my part I have to go at 5 because I have to work.
Guy 1: y'all have a beer in my honor!
G: Guy 1 that's a shame, have fun though! (referring to his first message)
Power Duck: that's for sure Guy 1 👌(referring to his first message, maybe the ok was a bit one upping as it can be a judge power move)
Power Duck: have a walk and eat somewhere seems good to me. Lets see what the rest says. (takes some leadership without one upping her, plus I feel as if I weren't answering her. So i don't follow her leadership at 100, maybe I'm wrong at this though.)
Girl 1: If it's after 1 hour, it would be better for me. Before that I can try but I don't promise anything.
Power Duck: Then survey and we choose the hours in which the most of us can meet.
G: I prefer this idea too because of the fact I have to go at 5 (referring to my idea to hang out and eat)
Power Duck creates a survey.
G: But you can keep hanging out and have a walk during the afternoon too, or stay together. (to girl 1)
Girl 1: Yeah, if you're still hanging around after 5 I join.
G: That's why Im saying it. (this felt unnecessary to me, a bit of a teachers frame here)
G: Maybe instead of deciding which hours each of us can, it would be better to simply say midday or in the afternoon, that way there are less options and its easier to decide. (to my survey)
Power Duck: ? (referring to her last message)(I felt that expending a bit more of effort to ask here would be more power taking from my part)(No intentional power move here, I really didn't get her message as saying midday/evening wouldn't be enough to say an hour)
Power Duck: I put a survey with the hours so we can see in which hours most of us can meet. Maybe what you're saying is a better way though. (Power protects her, while defending myself. My idea behind this message was: cool lets see which of the two options is better. Plus that way she has to expend a bit more effort so I am not that disempowered by her)
Girl 1: you can all meet when everyone can. And whoever can't join to eat joins later.
G: Great. We meet at 1, we decide when we eat (or whe have a walk) and from there people join or leave. (I didn't appreciate this, she completely ignores my question and throws me under the bus, plus she decides the hour in which we'll meet without taking into account if the rest of the people can at that hour or later. Now that I think about it, maybe her disregarding my survey was simply an excuse for her to decide the hour to meet )
Power Duck: decided, at 1 we meet :).(Acts as "if the idea" were mine, the smile is to not break rapport)
Power Duck: although if anyone can't at that hour and we are only two at 1 (which I don't think so) we decide the hour again. (We are a group here and you don't have the last word, if we decide that another hour is better the hour is changed. Plus I retake leadership this way)
G: Perfect then. (sticker of toddler smiling) Well, see y'all on friday guys/girls :). (I'm the leader here thus I decide that the conversations is finished) (Really good move from her part I have to say)
Power Duck: 👌😎 (judge power move)
2 hours later
G: where (sticker to preserve rapport) (nasty nasty, doesn't put a question mark to maintain power, plus puts it really short)
I think I handled well most of the moves, although maybe I misread some of her comments as value taking and/or I was a bit one upping. However I believe that her ignoring me and setting the hour in such a way not only was unjustified, but it also made it clear for me: She doesn't intend to be a value adding leader, but a value/power taking one.
Maybe I one upped her at a certain time before her throwing me under the bus, although for the most part I feel I was respectful.
Does anyone have any ideas on how I could've handled some of her power moves in a different way? I appreciate the help.
If the question is too broad, you can pick whichever comment of her you want, if not, I pick one or two of course.
Cheers.
P.S:
By the way if any of my messages feels like a power move feel free to comment about it if you want to.

Hello guys,

Today in a whatsapp group with some guys from the debate club we talked about setting a date to hang out. I had quite a dispute for the leadership with the power hungry girl (G), although I would've prefered a "shared leadership".

Here's what happened:

I had previously made a whatsapp survey to decide the day in which we would meet. It was decided that it will be on friday.
G: It seems we have a clear winner, no? Decided, friday.
Guy 1: I can't that day,... see y'all next time.
G: Now another problem, the time.... What do you all prefer, go eat somewhere, have a walk? From my part I have to go at 5 because I have to work.
Guy 1: y'all have a beer in my honor!
G: Guy 1 that's a shame, have fun though! (referring to his first message)
Power Duck: that's for sure Guy 1 👌(referring to his first message, maybe the ok was a bit one upping as it can be a judge power move)
Power Duck: have a walk and eat somewhere seems good to me. Lets see what the rest says. (takes some leadership without one upping her, plus I feel as if I weren't answering her. So i don't follow her leadership at 100, maybe I'm wrong at this though.)
Girl 1: If it's after 1 hour, it would be better for me. Before that I can try but I don't promise anything.
Power Duck: Then survey and we choose the hours in which the most of us can meet.
G: I prefer this idea too because of the fact I have to go at 5 (referring to my idea to hang out and eat)
Power Duck creates a survey.
G: But you can keep hanging out and have a walk during the afternoon too, or stay together. (to girl 1)
Girl 1: Yeah, if you're still hanging around after 5 I join.
G: That's why Im saying it. (this felt unnecessary to me, a bit of a teachers frame here)
G: Maybe instead of deciding which hours each of us can, it would be better to simply say midday or in the afternoon, that way there are less options and its easier to decide. (to my survey)
Power Duck: ? (referring to her last message)(I felt that expending a bit more of effort to ask here would be more power taking from my part)(No intentional power move here, I really didn't get her message as saying midday/evening wouldn't be enough to say an hour)
Power Duck: I put a survey with the hours so we can see in which hours most of us can meet. Maybe what you're saying is a better way though. (Power protects her, while defending myself. My idea behind this message was: cool lets see which of the two options is better. Plus that way she has to expend a bit more effort so I am not that disempowered by her)
Girl 1: you can all meet when everyone can. And whoever can't join to eat joins later.
G: Great. We meet at 1, we decide when we eat (or whe have a walk) and from there people join or leave. (I didn't appreciate this, she completely ignores my question and throws me under the bus, plus she decides the hour in which we'll meet without taking into account if the rest of the people can at that hour or later. Now that I think about it, maybe her disregarding my survey was simply an excuse for her to decide the hour to meet )
Power Duck: decided, at 1 we meet :).(Acts as "if the idea" were mine, the smile is to not break rapport)
Power Duck: although if anyone can't at that hour and we are only two at 1 (which I don't think so) we decide the hour again. (We are a group here and you don't have the last word, if we decide that another hour is better the hour is changed. Plus I retake leadership this way)
G: Perfect then. (sticker of toddler smiling) Well, see y'all on friday guys/girls :). (I'm the leader here thus I decide that the conversations is finished) (Really good move from her part I have to say)
Power Duck: 👌😎 (judge power move)
2 hours later
G: where (sticker to preserve rapport) (nasty nasty, doesn't put a question mark to maintain power, plus puts it really short)

I think I handled well most of the moves, although maybe I misread some of her comments as value taking and/or I was a bit one upping. However I believe that her ignoring me and setting the hour in such a way not only was unjustified, but it also made it clear for me: She doesn't intend to be a value adding leader, but a value/power taking one.

Maybe I one upped her at a certain time before her throwing me under the bus, although for the most part I feel I was respectful.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could've handled some of her power moves in a different way? I appreciate the help.

If the question is too broad, you can pick whichever comment of her you want, if not, I pick one or two of course.

Cheers.

P.S:

By the way if any of my messages feels like a power move feel free to comment about it if you want to.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#2 · August 14, 2023, 11:26 pm

Interesting.

Overall, this seemed like a group that lacked leadership, and even that high power G was undermining her own leadership.

Focusing on your own texts only:

Power Duck: I put a survey with the hours so we can see in which hours most of us can meet. Maybe what you're saying is a better way though.

Red part is unnecessary in my opinion.

Not only because it's a bit low power, but also because in those situations leadership, brevity and fast decisions are what everyone needs (WA group is different than a forum, shorter is better there).

But it's still always good to consider the feedback.
If you put in too many hours, then it was probably a good feedabck that it was too many options.
Better to also keep the options few.

Power Duck: although if anyone can't at that hour and we are only two at 1 (which I don't think so) we decide the hour again.

The full message was unneeded in my opinion because it adds complexity and undermines leadership:

Seeds doubt: now people start doubting if 1 is still the "final" hour
Over-democratization: some may start thinking they can change the rule just to fit them and raise havoc for the organizer. No thank you, this is the time, if you cannot too bad, next time :). Of course if MOST people cannot and most people can do a different time you can always adjust, but that's something you wanna leave unposken and not advertise that loudly

And this:

G: where (sticker to preserve rapport) (nasty nasty, doesn't put a question mark to maintain power, plus puts it really short)

I don't think it was too nasty.

Yes, she tasked you.

BUT she also gave up the leadership.

Overall, the loss of leadership puts her far more into the negative than the power move puts her in the positive (and the opposite for you if you take that opportunity to pick a place).

John Freeman, B and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

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#3 · August 15, 2023, 12:00 am

Thanks for the response Lucio, I find it really insightful, specially this part:

Seeds doubt: now people start doubting if 1 is still the "final" hour
Over-democratization: some may start thinking they can change the rule just to fit them and raise havoc for the organizer. No thank you, this is the time, if you cannot too bad, next time :). Of course if MOST people cannot and most people can do a different time you can always adjust, but that's something you wanna leave unposken and not advertise that loudly

Seems like my power skills in terms of leadership are a bit lacking.

About her maybe she wasn't as nasty as I thought, still will be careful with her.

And about me retaking the leadership I didn't answer directly. But I put the following after we discussed places:

"Summary: hour, x place."

So good for now.

Cheers

Lucio Buffalmano and John Freeman have reacted to this post.