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Frame control: colleague busting your balls

#1 · October 23, 2020, 3:21 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 23, 2020, 3:21 pm
Hello guys,
I had a nurse colleague who was trying to dominate and he basically told me as I was looking at my screen (and he was doing nothing of course):
Him: You look perplexed looking at your screen (with a mocking tone, like I'm stupid) (I was overhearing his stupid shit and it unfocussed me)
Me (after some time, being in detachment mode): Yeah, I'm perplexed at life, you know.
Why my answer was bad:
I accepted his frame
By amplifying on it, I basically shot myself in the foot by saying: I don't understand Life you know, I'm stupid.
When I accepted his frame I was being submissive
What I should have done:
Refuse his frame: I would say this is the basics of power dynamics in a conversation. It seems simple and stupid, but people who are too submissive are afraid of losing the other person's approval. So we might be afraid of saying "no". So first step is saying: "No". Because otherwise you accept whatever the other person is telling you and you already has lost.
Choose another frame: In my case it would have been: "I'm focused on my work". At this step, I would say that in most cases it's better to do "One-across" than "One-up" if you are to collaborate again with this individual. "One-up" might lead to escalation and retaliation. Subconsciously, you confirmed yourself as being an enemy to this person. So I would say: don't submit but don't attack back. In most cases!
So better answer would have been:
Him: You look perplexed looking at your screen (with a mocking tone, like I'm stupid) (I was overhearing his stupid shit and it unfocussed me)
Me (after some time, being in detachment mode): No, I'm focused on my work.
These are everyday little games and this is defense against dark forces 101. But the defense is simple: "No + new frame that is either neutral or collaborative" Here are a couple of examples that I learned from @lucio, from 0:50
Another option would have to have answered:
Me: ”You think?” Which acknowledges his opinion while not accepting it. Once he answers going back to what I was doing.
What do you think?

Hello guys,

I had a nurse colleague who was trying to dominate and he basically told me as I was looking at my screen (and he was doing nothing of course):

Him: You look perplexed looking at your screen (with a mocking tone, like I'm stupid) (I was overhearing his stupid shit and it unfocussed me)
Me (after some time, being in detachment mode): Yeah, I'm perplexed at life, you know.

Why my answer was bad:

I accepted his frame
By amplifying on it, I basically shot myself in the foot by saying: I don't understand Life you know, I'm stupid.
When I accepted his frame I was being submissive

What I should have done:

Refuse his frame: I would say this is the basics of power dynamics in a conversation. It seems simple and stupid, but people who are too submissive are afraid of losing the other person's approval. So we might be afraid of saying "no". So first step is saying: "No". Because otherwise you accept whatever the other person is telling you and you already has lost.
Choose another frame: In my case it would have been: "I'm focused on my work". At this step, I would say that in most cases it's better to do "One-across" than "One-up" if you are to collaborate again with this individual. "One-up" might lead to escalation and retaliation. Subconsciously, you confirmed yourself as being an enemy to this person. So I would say: don't submit but don't attack back. In most cases!

So better answer would have been:

Him: You look perplexed looking at your screen (with a mocking tone, like I'm stupid) (I was overhearing his stupid shit and it unfocussed me)
Me (after some time, being in detachment mode): No, I'm focused on my work.

These are everyday little games and this is defense against dark forces 101. But the defense is simple: "No + new frame that is either neutral or collaborative" Here are a couple of examples that I learned from @lucio, from 0:50

Another option would have to have answered:

Me: ”You think?” Which acknowledges his opinion while not accepting it. Once he answers going back to what I was doing.

What do you think?

Lucio Buffalmano, DM and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#2 · October 23, 2020, 7:13 pm

GREAT analysis + social strategizing, John.

Really really good, you analyzed it well, and you drew the right lessons for next time.
Also totally agree that one-crosses should probably be used more often than one-uppings, especially at work.

Just as a note, you can also one-cross and refuse frame with a "yeah", which maintains rapport a bit more, like:

You: (without looking at him, "distant" tonality) Yeah, I'm really focused on my work now (= I'm being as friendly as I can, don't disturb me further though, no time for joking around)

John Freeman, DM and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

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#3 · October 24, 2020, 2:54 am

Boom. Just boom. Mind blown.

Thanks for the acknowledgement by the way!

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