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Friend diverts my invitation on WA
Hello everyone,
I proposed a board game to my friends in a WhatsApp group and one of them answered:
Me: Hello guys, who would be motivated for a game this saturday?
Bernard: Hello! I have friends coming this week-end. I don't think they're up for this kind of activity on a saturday evening. To the contrary if you want to go out.
Then, 3 more of them (out of 6) are up for going out.
Really, I don't mind going out but I would have preferred a game, hence my proposition.
However, he diverted my initial proposition, taking the leadership. So in terms of power dynamics I'm losing.
I'm thinking about reacting by saying that it's a cool idea and propose a restaurant. The problem is that if I propose a restaurant and he does a counter proposition (so we follow him and his friends), I'm following again.
I'm a bit bothered that he kind of sabotaged my idea but I'm open to going out as well. To me it's a bit of a power move.
I don't mind following him if he proposes something. It's the fact that he's piggybacking on my proposition. I think I have to think about what's better for the group and since the majority want to go out, then it's better for me to do what's best for the group (proper leadership).
Also, now I see that if I propose something in a group conversation in the future, there is the risk that he hijacks my idea. So I will not invite him first next time.
As a summary: I don't mind going out but it was not my original intention and it's the way it was done: piggybacking on my initiative.
Curious to read if you guys have any thoughts on this.
How I see it is you lose leadership points when you spend effort to convince people and you win points by them agreeing to your proposal.
You made some effort to give your proposition and the other guy did the same, they agreed to his proposition though so he is on winning side leadership-wise, now convincing them back will cost a lot of effort and it may not work, so it's not even worth trying, except if you have some golden idea that they will go with for sure, further decison making like "okay! let's go to this cool restaurant then!" may give some leadership points but the main decision was made, now you are fighting for scraps. You won't win a lot and if someone will further disagree that's a big loss, once may be a fluke but twice solidifies a bad position.
One could say it is a powermove ( it gives the other guy power ) but it's not a value taking powermove, it's a fair game to give a better idea after all, so there's no "uncovering" or "going meta" that can be done here.
Leading is a big jump of faith because you cannot decide what others will choose, because of that the best way to win is to come up with a very good idea, something that worked well in the past or if you don't know if they will want it, you test the waters, maybe by saying stuff like "It was a long time since we played the game, wasn't it?" to check if they show interest so they don't flatly reject your proposition.
When you make a proposition you can also be more general like "Do you fancy to play the game in the near future"? Because even if they don't want to do it in this or that day, they may agree to it on a different date that will also be okay for you, and they will still follow your idea ( making you the leader ), even if they will decide the details.
In summary: You make a proposal only when it's sure, or at least very likely that it will be accepted. It takes a lot of power to make people agree to a specific plan, so it's better to be general. In the end if you know what others want and you give them a good idea they will choose it, doesn't matter if somebody tries to counter propose or not.
If someone thinks he can extend or correct my idea, feel free to do it.
Value bomb! Thanks a lot DGX37. PU worthy in my opinion when talking about leadership.
I think this is also another example that shows that WA groups can create unfavorable dynamics (for instance if the whole group rejects the event).  That’s why I don’t use them so much to organize events. I experimented again here: same results. It’s either hit or miss. I think they are most useful when the event is already organized to figure out the details and stay in touch. It’s better to have in the group only people who are available and on board. Otherwise you get the « not available » messages which can rebuke people who were on the fence.
So the strategy I use that work the best is the usual: start with one person. Now you have a group. From there you recruit other people to join the already existing group. Rinse and repeat. It’s much easier this way: « we’re already doing that do you want to join? »
I thought that by inviting many people for the game I was creating favourable dynamics: that I would create some scarcity (some of my best games can only be played at 4-5 but I would have accepted additional people and change the game to adapt to the larger number of people). That failed. So I’ll go back to my « 1-by-1 » strategy. More work but more effective.
Yes, great post by DGX37.
Very good strategic mindset around leadershp -great note on the "leap of faith" as well: true. Of course, skills and your status also matter a lot-.
I also agree he didn't do anything wrong by counter-inviting.
Maybe he could have power-protected more the original idea and say that "if others were up for the board game, then go for it and this time I'll sit it out", something like that.
A high power and dignified way forward is also to stick to your preference and say something like:
"if anyone else prefers the board game, I'd go for that. If this weekend nobody's up for that, then I'll also join you out guys".
Thank you Lucio!
I agree this is the best way to respond in this situation. I'll experiment with this.
Regarding the dynamics, what was "against" me was the fact that he already had a group doing something. In my situation I was in the process of forming a group, so I was not in the same state of readiness to propose something.
So I experimented and what happened is that 2 friends who were up for a game contacted me privately. We did a game at my place the other day. So it definitely worked thanks Lucio!
Regarding tonight I’m paradoxically in a situation of power as I proposed to them a few places. They were not sure where to go so. Since I’m not in a leadership position I don’t make decisions or try to find a consensus. So I just said that I did not mind where it was happening, they just let me know where they are and I’ll meet them later. So I’m following but on my terms. I’m going whenever I want and since I really don’t care about the place I don’t feel disempowered. I’m happy to see them a couple of hours for beers but don’t have more expectations than that.
