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Friend refuses to acknowledge bad behaviour

#1 · June 19, 2023, 12:55 am

Quote from Power Duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
Hello guys.
Today I had quite a situation with a female friend via text.
In friday night I hung out with some "friends".
(To give a brief description of the group, there's a lot of one upping and power moves and I'm the one that's usually in the receiving end of course :). I strongly believe that one of them purposefully tries to push my buttons)
During that night there was again a lot of one upping. Today, I decided to tell one of the female friends that one upped me, that I didn't appreciate the comments, that way I could test her reaction and fortunately fix things.
Ive been planning on not hanging out with them anymore for a long time, and seems this will be what I'll do.
(The one ups were:
Friend: when power duck meets a girl that doesn't practice jiujitsu,-does a gesture as signaling that I would dump her -
(I take muay Thai classes not jiujitsu btw)
......
Friend: I bet that this summer Power duck is gonna go to the beach with his sister and his sister's boyfriend. Taking each other's hands in the beach.
(Can't remember exactly but it was something like that)
Here's the conversation:
Power duck: Hey the other day you made some comments that I didn't appreciate to be honest, like (previously mentioned).
(After this I power protect and I express the fact that I really appreciate her as a friend.
Her response (I'll sum it up):
Female friend: It was just a joke it's not my problem if you take jokes that way, you should try to not get offended by anything we say that you don't like. I make the same jokes with other members of the group and nobody has any problem with that. That's who I am and I'm not going to change it, sometimes you have to adapt to others too.
(She also told me):
Female friend: You can't make people not say things you don't want them to say.
Im not sure but I think that she was trying to gaslight me, lol.
After this I maintained the frame that I believe that friendships consist on stablishing boundaries and respecting as well as demanding proper treatment.
After seeing that she wasn't going to apologize or negotiate I told her that I would try to get less offended. (Not true of course)
So my question is do you think I addressed the following situation correctly? Or even, do you think I could be in the wrong here?
Thanks in advance.
Cheers.
P.S:
It may not seem like that much of a deal but this group of friends is pretty much the only one I've been part of in these two college years. I'm pretty sure that most of the group members are toxic but I feel like it's a bit of a shame that it has to end this way.
I believe she might have a fragile ego, due to her reaction, hence putting this in reading people.

Hello guys.

Today I had quite a situation with a female friend via text.

In friday night I hung out with some "friends".

(To give a brief description of the group, there's a lot of one upping and power moves and I'm the one that's usually in the receiving end of course :). I strongly believe that one of them purposefully tries to push my buttons)

During that night there was again a lot of one upping. Today, I decided to tell one of the female friends that one upped me, that I didn't appreciate the comments, that way I could test her reaction and fortunately fix things.

Ive been planning on not hanging out with them anymore for a long time, and seems this will be what I'll do.

(The one ups were:

Friend: when power duck meets a girl that doesn't practice jiujitsu,-does a gesture as signaling that I would dump her -
(I take muay Thai classes not jiujitsu btw)
......
Friend: I bet that this summer Power duck is gonna go to the beach with his sister and his sister's boyfriend. Taking each other's hands in the beach.
(Can't remember exactly but it was something like that)

Here's the conversation:

Power duck: Hey the other day you made some comments that I didn't appreciate to be honest, like (previously mentioned).
(After this I power protect and I express the fact that I really appreciate her as a friend.

Her response (I'll sum it up):

Female friend: It was just a joke it's not my problem if you take jokes that way, you should try to not get offended by anything we say that you don't like. I make the same jokes with other members of the group and nobody has any problem with that. That's who I am and I'm not going to change it, sometimes you have to adapt to others too.
(She also told me):
Female friend: You can't make people not say things you don't want them to say.

Im not sure but I think that she was trying to gaslight me, lol.

After this I maintained the frame that I believe that friendships consist on stablishing boundaries and respecting as well as demanding proper treatment.

After seeing that she wasn't going to apologize or negotiate I told her that I would try to get less offended. (Not true of course)

So my question is do you think I addressed the following situation correctly? Or even, do you think I could be in the wrong here?

Thanks in advance.

Cheers.

P.S:

It may not seem like that much of a deal but this group of friends is pretty much the only one I've been part of in these two college years. I'm pretty sure that most of the group members are toxic but I feel like it's a bit of a shame that it has to end this way.

I believe she might have a fragile ego, due to her reaction, hence putting this in reading people.

Roberto has reacted to this post.

#2 · June 19, 2023, 11:57 am

Hello Power duck.

It's really tough to say without being there.

So take this as an external opinion from someone who doesn't have nearly enoguh background info to properly advise.

That being said, my notes are:

Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
Power duck: Hey the other day you made some comments that I didn't appreciate to be honest, like (previously mentioned).
(After this I power protect and I express the fact that I really appreciate her as a friend.

The power protection may have been unnecessary here.

When it's too much, over-power protecting becomes a power move on its own (there are examples in the forum).

Why?
Because it's also a sign of respect to treat people as able to take strong feedback.

BUT... I didn't read/hear what you wrote exactly, so you know better

However, this may be a bigger issue:

Do you truly "really appreciate her"?

Consider a different mindset:

No, you don't "really appreciate" a friend who pulls power moves you don't like.

You have no use for poor "friends".

Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
After seeing that she wasn't going to apologize or negotiate I told her that I would try to get less offended. (Not true of course)

I'm gonna say this very straight because the "shock" value sometimes can help internalize the message.

So here it is:

That was weak.

To yourself first.
You betrayed yourself.

Make a mental note: no more betraying yourself, your integrity, and your self-respect.
Don't allow people to corner you into turkey lying -and worse yet, a lie that is bad for you and good for them-.

And it was also weak vis-avis her because you caved in to her frame.

My question:

Do you really think she was out of line?
Then hold that freaking frame.

Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
I believe she might have a fragile ego, due to her reaction, hence putting this in reading people.

OR...

She may be a nasty power mover.

The way she reacted, was very dominant and high power.

Jack, Kavalier and 6 other users have reacted to this post.

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#3 · June 19, 2023, 12:42 pm

Quote from Power Duck on June 19, 2023, 12:42 pm
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 19, 2023, 11:57 am
Hello Power duck.
It's really tough to say without being there.
So take this as an external opinion from someone who doesn't have nearly enoguh background info to properly advise.
That being said, my notes are:

Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
Power duck: Hey the other day you made some comments that I didn't appreciate to be honest, like (previously mentioned).
(After this I power protect and I express the fact that I really appreciate her as a friend.

The power protection may have been unnecessary here.
When it's too much, over-power protecting becomes a power move on its own (there are examples in the forum).
Why?
Because it's also a sign of respect to treat people as able to take strong feedback.
BUT... I didn't read/hear what you wrote exactly, so you know better
However, this may be a bigger issue:
Do you truly "really appreciate her"?
Consider a different mindset:
No, you don't "really appreciate" a friend who pulls power moves you don't like.
You have no use for poor "friends".
Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
After seeing that she wasn't going to apologize or negotiate I told her that I would try to get less offended. (Not true of course)
I'm gonna say this very straight because the "shock" value sometimes can help internalize the message.
So here it is:
That was weak.
To yourself first.
You betrayed yourself.
Make a mental note: no more betraying yourself, your integrity, and your self-respect.
Don't allow people to corner you into turkey lying -and worse yet, a lie that is bad for you and good for them-.
And it was also weak vis-avis her because you caved in to her frame.
My question:
Do you really think she was out of line?
Then hold that freaking frame.
Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
I believe she might have a fragile ego, due to her reaction, hence putting this in reading people.
OR...
She may be a nasty power mover.
The way she reacted, was very dominant and high power.
You're damn right, Lucio. Thanks for the raw honesty.
I lied to her because I thought being direct would make her an enemy. So I opted to be a sneaky bastard and say things I don't mean. I lacked the cojones to stand my ground and face the consequences of standing up for myself.
I thought that vulnerability could make her change frame, and that's weak, naive and pathetic to say the least. Seems like the weak traits of my past self are still there.
I don't appreciate her, nor any other members of the group. She successfully gaslighted me some time ago.
However, my mistakes don't define me. I have to man up and be willing to face conflict when standing up for myself, as well as firmly believe in myself.
Again, thanks for the raw honesty Lucio. I really needed this. This will serve as fuel for growth for quite some time.
Cheers.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 19, 2023, 11:57 am
Hello Power duck.
It's really tough to say without being there.
So take this as an external opinion from someone who doesn't have nearly enoguh background info to properly advise.
That being said, my notes are:

Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
Power duck: Hey the other day you made some comments that I didn't appreciate to be honest, like (previously mentioned).
(After this I power protect and I express the fact that I really appreciate her as a friend.

The power protection may have been unnecessary here.
When it's too much, over-power protecting becomes a power move on its own (there are examples in the forum).
Why?
Because it's also a sign of respect to treat people as able to take strong feedback.
BUT... I didn't read/hear what you wrote exactly, so you know better
However, this may be a bigger issue:
Do you truly "really appreciate her"?
Consider a different mindset:
No, you don't "really appreciate" a friend who pulls power moves you don't like.
You have no use for poor "friends".
Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
After seeing that she wasn't going to apologize or negotiate I told her that I would try to get less offended. (Not true of course)
I'm gonna say this very straight because the "shock" value sometimes can help internalize the message.
So here it is:
That was weak.
To yourself first.
You betrayed yourself.
Make a mental note: no more betraying yourself, your integrity, and your self-respect.
Don't allow people to corner you into turkey lying -and worse yet, a lie that is bad for you and good for them-.
And it was also weak vis-avis her because you caved in to her frame.
My question:
Do you really think she was out of line?
Then hold that freaking frame.
Quote from Power duck on June 19, 2023, 12:55 am
I believe she might have a fragile ego, due to her reaction, hence putting this in reading people.
OR...
She may be a nasty power mover.
The way she reacted, was very dominant and high power.

You're damn right, Lucio. Thanks for the raw honesty.

I lied to her because I thought being direct would make her an enemy. So I opted to be a sneaky bastard and say things I don't mean. I lacked the cojones to stand my ground and face the consequences of standing up for myself.

I thought that vulnerability could make her change frame, and that's weak, naive and pathetic to say the least. Seems like the weak traits of my past self are still there.

I don't appreciate her, nor any other members of the group. She successfully gaslighted me some time ago.

However, my mistakes don't define me. I have to man up and be willing to face conflict when standing up for myself, as well as firmly believe in myself.

Again, thanks for the raw honesty Lucio. I really needed this. This will serve as fuel for growth for quite some time.

Cheers.

Lucio Buffalmano, Jack and 4 other users have reacted to this post.

#4 · June 19, 2023, 1:58 pm

Cheers Power duck, thank you for the note and props to you for making the best out of it (all the more power to you).

By the way, to put things in perspective, changing "cemented" dynamics is HARD.
And even harder when in whole groups.
Impossible to quantify, but it wouldn't be crazy to say it's 10x harder than setting them right. And another 10x harder to change group dynamics than 1:1s. And another 10x harder if there are nasty and dominant players.

On the positive side, if you can approach it as training and learning, this could be a great opportunity for you.

Jack, Kavalier and 3 other users have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.