Friend Who tries to outdo you
Hi
This post is inspired by the article in Ali Scarlett's Blog titled "How To Deal With a Friend Who Tries To Outdo You", I have also had a brush with people like this, X was an FRIEND constantly trying to one up me and also prove to me that X is a know it all. X used to do it by trying to correct me and others factually,, usually we used to not try to get into frame battles, or by asking "do you know ?" and proceed to give some new information.Most times this fact/ information was something I already knew about, At times I used to use the same power move on X to test how X would react.
Case 1:
Me: Gives a new piece of information
X: Really, is that so?
I find the question "is that so to" be dis empowering to to me since makes it feel like X is taking a teachers and judge position.
Case 2
X: Where are you? or What are you doing? ( X after calling me, after a while it started annoying me since X never disclosed " the why behind these questions)
Me: At home and you? ( I used to answer and ask X back, X mostly ignored the question)
X: Then you are free, it won't take more than 5 min, can you do it?
Case 3:
X : Come with Me this place
Me: What place?
X: Just come with me, trust me
Me: DUDE Tell me where?
X: You are such a mood killer ( Finally proceeds to tell me ).
How would you handle these cases?
Thank You
Mav
Hi Maverick,
it's an interesting series of cases.
My take:
Case 1:
You: Gives a new piece of information
X: Really, is that so?
You: Yeah, it is so. Why are you asking?
The idea is to play back the "strange thing you said" frame on him.
Case 2
X: Where are you? or What are you doing? ( X after calling me, after a while it started annoying me since X never disclosed " the why behind these questions)
Me: At home and you? ( I used to answer and ask X back, X mostly ignored the question)
X: Then you are free, it won't take more than 5 min, can you do it?
You: Ahahaha, great move man. You let me tell you I'm home and then... BAM, request. Seriously though, I'm swamped right now.
The idea (first discussed here) is to subcommunicate awareness and refusal of his "I'm making you overextend" move.
You could also block it earlier, especially since you know what's coming after one or two repeats:
X: Where are you? or What are you doing?
You: Why are you asking, do you want something again?
Or some friendlier tone.
Case 3:
X : Come with Me this place
Me: What place?
X: Just come with me, trust me
Me: DUDE Tell me where?
X: You are such a mood killer ( Finally proceeds to tell me ).
You: A total tease calling me a mood killer!
The idea is to subcommunicate "no man, you started playing a game here".
Quote from Bel on February 8, 2023, 12:26 amHi Maverick,
it's an interesting series of cases.
My take:
Case 1:
You: Gives a new piece of information
X: Really, is that so?
You: Yeah, it is so. Why are you asking?
Hi Bel, Thank You for the wonderful answers
I loved this answer, on point and matches the investment, I find these kind of people hard to deal with, they tend to get into frame battles over trivial stuff, battling each frame risks escalation and destroying the relationship, but not battling it out ultimately results in being dis empowered.
Case 2
X: Where are you? or What are you doing? ( X after calling me, after a while it started annoying me since X never disclosed " the why behind these questions)
Me: At home and you? ( I used to answer and ask X back, X mostly ignored the question)
X: Then you are free, it won't take more than 5 min, can you do it?
You: Ahahaha, great move man. You let me tell you I'm home and then... BAM, request. Seriously though, I'm swamped right now.
The idea (first discussed here) is to subcommunicate awareness and refusal of his "I'm making you overextend" move.
You could also block it earlier, especially since you know what's coming after one or two repeats:
X: Where are you? or What are you doing?
You: Why are you asking, do you want something again?
Or some friendlier tone.
The thread you suggested was golden, I want to preserve rapport while communicating I know the game being played,
Case 3:
X : Come with Me this place
Me: What place?
X: Just come with me, trust me
Me: DUDE Tell me where?
X: You are such a mood killer ( Finally proceeds to tell me ).
You: A total tease calling me a mood killer!
The idea is to subcommunicate "no man, you started playing a game here".
This is a brilliant response, the responses I had in mind would have made me look oversensitive.
Thank You Bel
Mav
Quote from Maverick on February 9, 2023, 1:21 amI loved this answer, on point and matches the investment, I find these kind of people hard to deal with, they tend to get into frame battles over trivial stuff, battling each frame risks escalation and destroying the relationship, but not battling it out ultimately results in being dis empowered.
My current thought on this is that it's true, acting risks derailing the relationship.
But, if you see it from their perspective, they are the first ones to communicate they don't care risking offending with these moves. They know they're pushing it.
So, why should we care risking putting them into place? A relationhip is either a two way-street, or it's not a "relationship" anyway.
Also, not countering these frames with this kind of people is, in my experience, guaranteed to make them escalate more and more in their power moves. And, ultimately they'll invariably do something that is so bad that it compels you to get away.
The difference is they'll have done much damage in the meantime.
I say no thanks, go ruin someone else's life.
I also believe the learning process ultimately leads one to be able to deal with them from a higher power position.
Meaning: as one starts learning these things, it's more probable to be confrontational, especially if one comes from past submission (as I come from).
But after a while, one gets to a point where confrontation is not necessary anymore. It's just a posture of "how cute you're behaving like this". This deflates them much more than confrontation, and can lead to more win-win.