Quote from John Freeman on March 21, 2023, 12:24 pm

Hello,

This is a common situation that happened to other people here as well if I remember well.

There's a friend who's pulling power moves on me. When I invite him he's lukewarm about the invitaiton but then we have a great time and he's a good friend. He's Bernard, the friend who ditched us last minute a couple of times to see girls. So he's the kind of person who's not committing too early and is waiting to see if something better is coming along (typically dates) for the week-end.

First event: going for drinks

He was sick the week before. In the morning, after having proposed him drinks via WhatsApp:

Him: Hello! Yes sure! I will tell you if I feel better at the end of the day.

Me: Ok cool!

Him (in late afternoon): What time?

(so he's not saying he's coming and requesting more info, to me here it's a small PM)

Me: 8:30PM are you coming?

(giving him the information but requesting confirmation)

Him: where?

(not answering and requesting more info: another small PM: he needs more info to know if he's going to come with us)

Me: Man! We're going to this bar. But come only if you want!

(Here I'm getting a bit irritated with him playing the diva so I kind of put some boundaries but still enter his frame of us begging for him to come)

Him: It's not if I want it's if I feel like going out. I was bad with this flu. I regain only my vitality (emoticon sweating).

He came and we had a great time. But the communication was that he was making himself more important than us. And he's been doing it a few times.

Event: board game

This morning I invite him to a board game via WhatsApp.

Me: Hello Bernard! Are you down for a game this WE? Franck is game and JB as well.

Him: Hello! Yes I think this can be done

(again putting himself above, implying he's making an effort to come)

Me: Yeah I thought about proposing it to you

(Attempt to re-empower myself while not going turkey spiral nor passive aggressive: I proposed it to you and I could have proposed it to someone else. So you're actually getting something not giving something).

I think we already talked about this type of situation here and I think it's a common situation.

My strategy

What am I trying to accomplish? (I'm now doing the exercise for becoming a better strategist):

1. Having a cool friend to play board games with
2. Getting more respect from my friend

How am I going to accomplish it?

Well, instead of playing games on WhatsApp, now that I have enough options as friends in my social life, I'm just going to propose him less. He's still my friend and I like him. However, contrary to other friends he did not write to me during my travel in NZ and is now playing the "Prize" game. He's also sometimes play dominant social games on me: put his hands on my shoulder, sit at the chair at the end of the table in my place (now I tell him it's my chair) and small things like that. Nothing orange but yeah now that I have more options it makes me want to reconsider how often I'll invite him.

So I'll adjust slightly and de-prioritize him a little bit. That means that for board games, sometimes you need to be 4 or 5 and then there is no more space. So he won't be the one I prioritize.

Happy to read about your thoughts on this type of situation and your personal approach.