Former Community – We Moved
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Friendship: how to counter a friend who counters a shame attack?
Hello guys,
Context: I invited friends to do a board game. We drank quite a bit and one of my friends JB spilled a glass of beer on the map made out of paper. He offered right away to pay for the game. I say it's all good (70 euros game) as it's not worth paying 70 euros for just a part of the game which was wet. Then another friend of mine B. helped me to dry it with the blow dryer. We played a little bit but people were not really concentrating on the game because they wanted to have fun and also because of the alcohol. So I put a stop on it as it was not making sense to play a game that was demanding our attention and we were not able to provide it. So I could not help but notice that it was imaginary generosity and he did not help to dry the game. I like him a lot but that is what happened.
Yesterday evening, I texted him to organize something for the weekend. Here is the full exchange:
Me: Hello JB, how are you?
Him: Very good and you? I'm getting out of the job now. BTW, I wanted to apologize again for the map of the game. If it's too worn out, let me know.
Me: I'm good thanks. I'm not holding any grudge against you but I could not help but notice that it's B. who helped me to dry it. What are you doing this WE?
Him: Boom, regulatory tackle (it's an expression that means that it was an attack that was to be expected because deserved or undeserved, but that we could see it coming). I admit that I'm unforgivable. I was afraid to annoy you even more while helping you in a clumsy manner (I was not pissed off against him and had already told him I did not want him to pay for a new game. I was annoyed that I had to dry the game while they were not concentrating on it and that he did not help, but not pissed off). Sunday evening I'm seeing a girl if she does not cancel and saturday night I'm working until 10pm. Why is that?
Me: As I said I'm not holding any grudge, it's an accident. I would like to do a game on friday night. Would you be free?
Analysis: so basically, he apologizes but when I'm telling him what annoyed me (shame attack) he exaggerates and does not take responsibility. Basically, he makes it look like I'm being the bad person for telling him what annoyed me. I chose to be assertive in this case and I think it was the right move. However, he snuck his way out of the apology he half-gives.
What do you think?
Me: I'm good thanks. I'm not holding any grudge against you but I could not help but notice that it's B. who helped me to dry it. What are you doing this WE?
When you add the "what are you doing this WE", it feels like you just wanted to "slip the complaint in there", half-hidden, which feels passive-aggressive.
It was fair of you to bring that up, but let it stand on its own, without adding the WE part.
Let him reply, then clarify, then move on.
As a matter of fact, it's best to leave it for later, since it helps smoothen things out and move on.
On this exchange, I think he actually did well and, I'd say, even quite high-value.
It was fair of him to make a joke out of it -a good joke BTW, and a neutral, not very value-taking one-, since it could feel like nitpicking to be on the receiving end of your assertive statement.
After all, he apologized, he offered to pay, he apologized again on that call, and gave you power back again, plus he was drunk on the evening (yeah, it was partially imaginary generosity, but it was still a kind gesture).
Most of all, I like that, even while joking, he acknowledged and then was able to move on very quickly after that and get back to business without holding any grudges or dragging it on.
BTW, on using social intelligence to assess people:
Him: Sunday evening I'm seeing a girl if she does not cancel and saturday night I'm working until 10pm.
These are all positive signs, especially considering they were coming after what some might consider a "criticism".
Plus:
- He was able to move on very quickly (antifragile ego, or at least low egotism)
- He provides exact details of what he's doing, which suggest he's either open, or values you/the friendship (some other guys prefer the power game of "keeping it vague", to increase the power that comes from holding cards close to one's chest)
- "If she does not cancel": he indirectly admits that he can be canceled upon, which shows again he's not on a power trip to seem cooler, and that he might have a strong self-esteem, antifragile ego (not hurt or socially diminished if she cancel) secure attachment style, and play little games
A couple of sentences are just a small snapshot, of course, but this snapshot suggested me "high-quality dude".
When you add the "what are you doing this WE", it feels like you just wanted to "slip the complaint in there", half-hidden, which feels passive-aggressive.
Not my intention. It was more: "Since you raise the point. Here is how I feel about it." (otherwise I would have never brought it up again). "And now let's move on". That being said, I understand it comes across like that.
It was fair of you to bring that up, but let it stand on its own, without adding the WE part. Let him reply, then clarify, then move on. As a matter of fact, it's best to leave it for later, since it helps smoothen things out and move on.
Got it. Yes I should have let it stand. I felt ashamed a little bit to reprimand him and wanted to move on to where we would feel more comfortable.
After all, he apologized, he offered to pay, he apologized again on that call, and gave you power back again, plus he was drunk on the evening (yeah, it was partially imaginary generosity, but it was still a kind gesture).
I think there is a value conflict here that is not in the open. For me, respect is a very important value. So in this case respect means for me to help repair the harm done, even if little. So in this case, to dry or at least help drying the game. That's what I would do. I make sure to repair any harm I have caused if I can. I understand that I was projecting my own expectations about my own behavior on him. Not fair I agree. That being said, this is the standard I'm judging myself with. I do not care about the money. I would have preferred him to help me dry the game than to give me 60 euros. By far. Personal preference.
Most of all, I like that, even while joking, he acknowledged and then was able to move on very quickly after that and get back to business without holding any grudges or dragging it on.
I agree.
A couple of sentences are just a small snapshot, of course, but this snapshot suggested me "high-quality dude".
