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Getting attention
Hi All,
A few weeks ago I went into a higher-end clothing store to buy an expensive leather jacket. I was with my partner, and I asked a man for help. He went to a computer and started showing us examples of jackets he could order. The problem was that he directed his attention almost entirely to my partner, despite the fact that I was the one looking to buy a jacket. He gave her about 90% of his eye contact and addressed her throughout the exchange, even though she kept trying to break eye contact and looked over at me as if to say, "He's the one buying the jacket; talk to him." It was uncanny.
But this was not an isolated incident. Yesterday the two of us walked into a boutique shop and asked someone a question about one of their products. The man began to explain the product to us, but again he focused about 80% of his attention on her.
We go into restaurants, and I lead, approach first, and speak to the host about seating. Still it's quite common that the person will answer by talking to my partner. She often has to be very deliberate about stepping back, looking away, and deferring so that people will address me, even when I lead the conversation, and even when it is me who is inquiring about something.
She's attractive, but not strikingly so. We've tried to analyze the situation, but we can't come up with a reason for this phenomenon. Any thoughts or advice on how to handle this would be appreciated, as I think I'm losing power to her in our relationship this way, and neither of us wants that.
Interesting situation, sg.
Quick off topic, what an awesomely open and honest relationship you have, props to both!
Now on the question:
Speculating on root causes: eye contact & body position
It's difficult to advise on possible root causes unless one was personally present.
I'm thinking right now of eye contact and body position.
Maybe your girlfriend is looking at them in the eyes, while you break eye contact more or at key moments during the interaction?
And body position, could it be that your girlfriend is standing close to them? Or right beside you, rather than back? Most submissive women stand slightly behind their men.
When a woman doesn't, people might unconsciously compare her to other women who stand further behind, and unconsciously conclude that "the woman is the decision-maker when she doesn't stand back".
If a couple were to come to talk to me and the woman and the man were standing perfectly next to each other, I'd also think that the woman is the leader.
How to get attention
What I'd do here is to ask questions and lead early on, as soon as you spot that someone is mistakenly addressing your girlfriend.
What you want to embed are "leadership markers".
For example in the case of the jacket:
Clerk: we can order this jacket for you as well, it's a beautiful one, 100% leather (looks at your GF)
You: yeah, that looks good, the only thing I want to make sure is that the fit is like the one in the store, because I prioritize fit (= I am the decision maker)
What you ask is not even that important.
As a matter of fact, I'd say that if you have no question you can even make up one. It's less about the question, and more about the sub-communication, which is "I ask the questions, I lead, and you have to answer to me".
So the question should be something that they have to "report" back to you because you need to be convinced and/or because you want to make sure of something before proceeding and/or before you can consider yourself a happy customer (such as, avoid "what do you think" or simple statements such as "that's beautiful" as that doesn't clearly show you're leading).
Hand movement
If when they reply they still look at your girlfriend, you can talk again and use hand movement going from them to you.
You can use open palm towards them and then point back towards you when you say "I like to make sure / we'd love a window table" as if to say "I am talking to you, answer to me".
But you do it without saying it verbally, which makes it much smoother.
You get what I mean? It would be crystal clear with a video, it takes some more imagination with written text.
Feel free to shoot a video and share while you execute this movement if you want.
Talk for her
Another option is to talk for your girlfriend.
When you speak for someone else, that's a big display of power and leadership.
Even better: mix that up with caring leadership, so that it doesn't come across as overbearing (and it's proper eagle approach).
For example:
Host: for starters we have mozzarella, cheese, grilled vegetables
You: oh nice, my girlfriend loves mozzarella (extend your hand, touch her arm). What type of cheese do you have?
Ask questions to her while deciding
Another hallmark of collaborative leadership: while you ask and lead, you also ask her what she thinks.
Then you get back to leading.
For example:
Host: I'm sorry sir, we have no more Chianti left
You: Ouch, we really wanted a Chianti today
You: (addressing your girlfriend) How do you feel about that, shall we move, or maybe we stay and try a new wine
Her: I'm OK with trying a new wine
You: great (back to the host) what other wines do you have?
I think it's very unlikely if after something like this anyone would keep looking at your girlfriend.
This is all very helpful, thanks! Will put these suggestions into practice and report back.
Awesome, looking forward to hearing how it goes.
