Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 23, 2020, 10:02 pm

Quote from ZenDancer on November 23, 2020, 7:55 pm

Hi there folks!

I'm getting better at managing conflictive interactions, and simultaneously deescalating while maintaining good boundaries and not giving power away. One thing I'm still struggling with is the fact that having conflicts simmering or unresolved in the background makes the 'people pleaser' in me uncomfortable and uneasy.

That said, conflict is just a part of life and work politics, so I don't think there's a way to 'get rid' of this reality. I'm figuring that with time and practice, living comfortably with unresolved conflicts will become easier - I guess it's a question of practicing reframing on an ongoing basis in how I think about situations, and not just in how I navigate specific interactions. Wondering if anyone else has experience with this and if they have any advice?

Thanks,

Lucas

Hey Lucas,

It sounds like you're not in such a bad place already.

What do you mean by "unresolved and simmering conflicts" and that they take out the "people pleasing in you"?

Is it that you know someone is angry at you, or doesn't like you, and you want to appease them and be nice to them to "make things right"?
Something like that?

Quote from ZenDancer on November 24, 2020, 8:59 pm

Thanks Lucio... yes, it's pretty much that... I'm realising that developing my own assertiveness is as much about my thought processes and feelings before and after interactions, as it is about how I navigate the interactions themselves... I feel this is an area where I'm seeing change already, in that I don't worry intensely about people being annoyed with me the way I did when I was younger, but I also recognise that I have some way to go before I am completely comfortable with the awareness that some colleague or other may or may not be annoyed with or disapproving of me...I suspect it's just a case of consistently reframing my thoughts, when I find myself thinking about some professional relationship where the other person may not be completely happy with me... when it does arise, I'm just looking at it as useful practice to get more comfortable with the reality that, if I am working with dozens of different partner organisations as I currently am, it's not possible to make everyone happy and learning to be ok with some folks throwing hissy fits is actually good for me..

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Lucas

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 24, 2020, 10:18 pm

Quote from ZenDancer on November 24, 2020, 8:59 pm

I'm realising that developing my own assertiveness is as much about my thought processes and feelings before and after interactions, as it is about how I navigate the interactions themselves...
I suspect it's just a case of consistently reframing my thoughts,

A big "YES!" to this part.

Assertiveness -and advanced level social effectiveness in general-  is indeed a lot about thought processes, as well as beliefs.

The thought process that many people run in this case is:

• I have to be liked

As well as:

• It's not OK to be disliked by someone

And in some ways, there are good sides to these beliefs. It says you're an empathic person who cares, and who seeks to establish good relationships.

On the other hand, when that belief is applied to all situations, and to everyone, it can hold us back.

Like you say, when you deal with lots of people, you are almost bound to encounter someone who will have some issues with you.

But as long as you stick to your general values, including of being a fair and honest person, and not going out of your way to harm anyone, then you're good.

Quote from ZenDancer on November 24, 2020, 8:59 pm

I'm just looking at it as useful practice to get more comfortable with the reality that, if I am working with dozens of different partner organisations as I currently am, it's not possible to make everyone happy and learning to be ok with some folks throwing hissy fits is actually good for me..

Yes, sounds to me like the perfect way of going about it, both the "practice" reframing, and remind yourself that some hissy fits are part and parcel of dealing with a lot of people.

If that were your personal life, you could decide to cut those people out and only keep the emotionally stable ones around you.
But as a professional, being a professional also means dealing with those hissy-fitters and still moving on and getting the job done.

As a matter of fact, you could start taking pride in being able to deal with those difficult folks and still not taking it personally. A very empowering and antifragile mindset to hold.

Quote from ZenDancer on November 25, 2020, 8:19 pm

Thanks Lucio... it's really helpful to have your feedback... I'm seeing increasingly that life can be, and is, a training ground for self-awareness and self-development... I've started journalling, and keeping a little list of any people or encounters where I have faced recalcitrance or antagonism, and I'm finding it's useful to keep a record enabling me to reflect on the incidents where difficult personalities have crossed my path. Just reflecting on the last couple of weeks, it's becoming clearer to me that those interactions are fleeting, and when the next person who does decide to behave objectionably comes my way I can remember that they are just another name for the list of people that I have brushed off... That may sound a little harsher than I intend it to, but it seems to help me in not getting emotionally engaged or enmeshed when those situations arise..

 

Thanks,

Lucas