Former Community – We Moved

🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.

ForumPublic Forum: Social LifeGoing alone to a social event str …

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Going alone to a social event strategy

#1 · June 16, 2021, 2:21 pm

Hey everyone,

How do you go about building a positive reputation and becoming more popular at a social event you go out to alone for the first time?

The event I'm asking for is just many people in a restaurant/bar mingling, talking, and drinking. The link between people is BDSM, alternative sexualities and lifestyles but it's not an event sexual in tone (normal clothes, no funny business, and a lot of the convo isn't about sex).

Any thoughts on going alone and building social status?

Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.

#2 · June 16, 2021, 6:01 pm

Hello dj,

How have you done it so far, or would you go about it to improve it?

Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#3 · June 16, 2021, 11:45 pm

Hello Lucio,

So far I've tried saying what's up or making small talk with other people who seem to be kind of aimless and alone. Couple fun interactions but doesn't go anywhere usually.

It seems like the people I'd really want to connect with are already arriving in groups.

I don't know how to navigate that aspects being alone in a place with groups. When not doing that small talk with other loners I'm alternating between walking around and chilling by the bar.

Transitioned has reacted to this post.

#4 · June 18, 2021, 10:31 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 18, 2021, 10:31 am

Quote from dj_ak96 on June 16, 2021, 11:45 pm
So far I've tried saying what's up or making small talk with other people who seem to be kind of aimless and alone. Couple fun interactions but doesn't go anywhere usually.
It's a great way to start.
As you've also noticed, it should be a stepping stone though (with the only risk that if they're lower value than the average, people might start seeing you as lower value as well, but as long as you look/act cool, you should be fine).
The thing about groups is that many cool people in there are indeed looking to make new acquaintances, but few have the courage of going all-out on their own, so they go out with their groups, which already has cool people in, and they hope that some other cool people can find a way in -or they will "somehow"bump into someone-.
Making that "somehow" happen is up to you.
The specifics are not as easy to say as it will vary depending on your style, the place you're at, and how other people consider you.
But a few ideas:
Find a few people to go with: a few exceptions do apply, but the truth is that most people going on their own are considered lower value. And it can be challenging to change that perception. As soon as you approach a group, people will think "oh shit, is he gonna hang around with us now"?
Do the loners in succession: as you're already (partially) doing. But do them in succession. Your goal is to look like the cool guy who's there to meet new people and is doing so. That's what everyone wish they could do, so if you do it well, you come across as the top dog
Then jump to some of the cool people: now the key is to make the jump from loners/wallflowers, to cool people. If you do it seamlessly, then you stay congruent and if you acted well with the loners, you will already have positive social proof and people will think "oh, the cool networking guy is here, nice... "
After you had a few 1:1 with the cool people, you might be invited into the group.
If not, it might be time to walk into the group.
A good idea is to pre-frame as "you being social and being there to meet new people".
If you've been around already, people won't be as worried that you're gonna hang around for ever -and if you look cool, they might even hope you will-.
This is in part skills, but also in large part mindsets.
Mindset is:
I'm a cool guy, with potentially much value to add, and I'm happy to go there and meet some new cool people
The "happy" part here is also important.
On this website we said a few times that extroversion or high energy is not necessarily the best strategy to stick to, but this is one of those cases where extroversion / higher energy is a good approach.
Makes sense, or was any of that useful?

Quote from dj_ak96 on June 16, 2021, 11:45 pm
So far I've tried saying what's up or making small talk with other people who seem to be kind of aimless and alone. Couple fun interactions but doesn't go anywhere usually.

It's a great way to start.

As you've also noticed, it should be a stepping stone though (with the only risk that if they're lower value than the average, people might start seeing you as lower value as well, but as long as you look/act cool, you should be fine).

The thing about groups is that many cool people in there are indeed looking to make new acquaintances, but few have the courage of going all-out on their own, so they go out with their groups, which already has cool people in, and they hope that some other cool people can find a way in -or they will "somehow"bump into someone-.

Making that "somehow" happen is up to you.

The specifics are not as easy to say as it will vary depending on your style, the place you're at, and how other people consider you.
But a few ideas:

Find a few people to go with: a few exceptions do apply, but the truth is that most people going on their own are considered lower value. And it can be challenging to change that perception. As soon as you approach a group, people will think "oh shit, is he gonna hang around with us now"?
Do the loners in succession: as you're already (partially) doing. But do them in succession. Your goal is to look like the cool guy who's there to meet new people and is doing so. That's what everyone wish they could do, so if you do it well, you come across as the top dog
Then jump to some of the cool people: now the key is to make the jump from loners/wallflowers, to cool people. If you do it seamlessly, then you stay congruent and if you acted well with the loners, you will already have positive social proof and people will think "oh, the cool networking guy is here, nice... "

After you had a few 1:1 with the cool people, you might be invited into the group.
If not, it might be time to walk into the group.
A good idea is to pre-frame as "you being social and being there to meet new people".

If you've been around already, people won't be as worried that you're gonna hang around for ever -and if you look cool, they might even hope you will-.

This is in part skills, but also in large part mindsets.
Mindset is:

I'm a cool guy, with potentially much value to add, and I'm happy to go there and meet some new cool people

The "happy" part here is also important.
On this website we said a few times that extroversion or high energy is not necessarily the best strategy to stick to, but this is one of those cases where extroversion / higher energy is a good approach.

Makes sense, or was any of that useful?

Matthew Whitewood, Transitioned and dj_ak96 have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#5 · June 18, 2021, 4:39 pm

Yes, that was very helpful, especially the part about the underlying mindset. People really liked talking to me, they said so in messages after the event yesterday...but I'm sometimes mentally stuck in when I had much worse social skills and so I forget I can bring value now. I'll also try finding people to show up with. Cheers!

Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.