Former Community – We Moved

🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.

ForumPublic Forum: Social LifeGolden rule of friendship

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Golden rule of friendship

#1 · March 13, 2022, 5:42 pm

Quote from John Freeman on March 13, 2022, 5:42 pm
Hello guys,
I learned this from "the like switch" book, which I recommend warmly.
The golden rule of friendship is:
Make other people feel good
That's it. It's quite simple. However it's very effective.
What situations is this very helpful?
When you want to neutralise an adversarial relationship
When you want to improve a relationship
When you don't want to damage a friendly relationship
It's the last point which is the most important I believe.
Often times, we want to tell our friend what we think or "the truth". It could be an advice or an opinion. However, many times it's not really important and it will make the other person feel bad. Therefore, they will associate us with negative feelings.
How do I apply it?
If a friend has a different opinion than me on a given topic or if my advice/opinion could hurt the person, I abstain from it. It's good to offer honest opinion when needed or requested. But not as often as we might think.
I still will confront my friends if I think that they need to hear a difficult truth from me about their life or behaviours. That's what being a friend is. I think it will even be more listened to if we abstain from giving a contrarian opinion about small matters.
It's not about being a suck-up. It's more about being warm and supportive. It's about asking how somebody is doing today. It's about listening to them. It's in the small thing. However, it's not a detail. It is a cornerstone of good relationships and social intelligence.
People want to be around people who make them feel good.
Once again, there is a spectrum to it. The extreme being cold as Putin and the other extreme being a suck-up/brown nose.
This is about seeing the good in people and highlighting it/appreciating it. This is about accepting small flaws or flawed opinion without correcting them all the time. It's about focusing our critic perspective on what really matters in the person's life. This will be a negative opinion, so it will draw in the emotional bank account of the relationship.
So let's make it count. If we have to make the other person feel bad, let it about confronting them with a behaviour that is hurting them in a major way. Let it be about something they say that is really hurtful.
And still there, there is a way of conveying it that can protect the person's feeling and identity.
This could go in "Techniques (proven)" but it has a social element that is more prominent than a power dynamics element.

Hello guys,

I learned this from "the like switch" book, which I recommend warmly.

The golden rule of friendship is:

Make other people feel good

That's it. It's quite simple. However it's very effective.

What situations is this very helpful?

When you want to neutralise an adversarial relationship
When you want to improve a relationship
When you don't want to damage a friendly relationship

It's the last point which is the most important I believe.

Often times, we want to tell our friend what we think or "the truth". It could be an advice or an opinion. However, many times it's not really important and it will make the other person feel bad. Therefore, they will associate us with negative feelings.

How do I apply it?

If a friend has a different opinion than me on a given topic or if my advice/opinion could hurt the person, I abstain from it. It's good to offer honest opinion when needed or requested. But not as often as we might think.

I still will confront my friends if I think that they need to hear a difficult truth from me about their life or behaviours. That's what being a friend is. I think it will even be more listened to if we abstain from giving a contrarian opinion about small matters.

It's not about being a suck-up. It's more about being warm and supportive. It's about asking how somebody is doing today. It's about listening to them. It's in the small thing. However, it's not a detail. It is a cornerstone of good relationships and social intelligence.

People want to be around people who make them feel good.

Once again, there is a spectrum to it. The extreme being cold as Putin and the other extreme being a suck-up/brown nose.

This is about seeing the good in people and highlighting it/appreciating it. This is about accepting small flaws or flawed opinion without correcting them all the time. It's about focusing our critic perspective on what really matters in the person's life. This will be a negative opinion, so it will draw in the emotional bank account of the relationship.

So let's make it count. If we have to make the other person feel bad, let it about confronting them with a behaviour that is hurting them in a major way. Let it be about something they say that is really hurtful.

And still there, there is a way of conveying it that can protect the person's feeling and identity.

This could go in "Techniques (proven)" but it has a social element that is more prominent than a power dynamics element.

Lucio Buffalmano, Ali Scarlett and 5 other users have reacted to this post.

#2 · March 13, 2022, 6:01 pm

Golden rule indeed: simple, effective, and true.

It's something I often do semi-unconsciously.

And the great thing is that it's win-win-win: it's also good for you to generally have positive exchanges with your friends -and it's good for the people around you two as well as they get to deal with generally happier and more well-disposed folks-.

Also, this golden rule does not necessarily stand against the "necessity to give hard feedback", that you John mention as a necessity of good friendship.
Sure, that hard feedback can somewhat dampen the mood or for some time "affect" the overall good vibe and good feelings. But still, if you spend like 2h together and the "tough feedback" lasts 20 minutes, that's plenty of time to make the whole interaction positive.

Plus, all the techniques we discuss here help.

Just as an example:

Start with love first: hey man, I'm only saying this cause I care for you, and I'm happy to see you do well
Power-protect: it's my opinion of course, I might be wrong, and you do with it whatever you want
Tell the hard truth: with that premise out of the way, I feel that you may be drinking too much man
Discuss it: share opinions, tips, how you approach drinking, what you think is healthier, etc. etc.
End with the "collaborative friendship" frame: I said this as a friend, and as a friend, I feel it's also my duty to say things that I think may help you

Thank you for sharing John!

John Freeman, Jack and 5 other users have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.