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Good at building rapport but not closing
Hey Lucio!
A young man here, looking for advice. I know you must get a lot of requests for advice, so I hope my question will be helpful to others.
I am going to describe myself and the situation. I am a college student studying abroad. I have been working on my social skills, and from a hermit became more or less a social person. Others seem to enjoy my company, and I often get invitations to different activities. I tend to see the perspectives of others, and they seem to appreciate it. Overall, I consider myself confident and competent in social situations, although I realize that I have a lot to learn.
I met a shy girl (19 y.o) in one of my public speaking classes at college. She feels afraid of speaking, and most of the time keeps to herself. After our initial interactions, a couple of months ago, she opened up to me. She seemed to enjoy my company and, like many shy people, talks a lot when she feels comfortable. In this aspect, I think I did a good job at building rapport, but perhaps I went overboard and became a dreaded "nice guy". I encouraged her when she had to give presentations and helped her with a math class that she struggles with. To be clear, I still teased her and made our interactions emotionally stimulating. I realized that I needed to act and invited her out during holidays a month after we met. I knew that it might have been too late, but decided to do it anyway. She said she has to visit family on that day, which I think was a gentle no.
After that, I ignored her for a bit, chatted with classmates, and then approached her and started talking like nothing happened. She never approaches others first (not that I saw), so if I don't initiate a conversation, she won't talk. A little bit more about the girl, she isn't touchy nor flirty usually, although I saw her bro-hugging with one male acquaintance. With me, she laughs a lot, acts emotionally, and tells self-revealing stories. She gets into my space, has open body language, blushes often, yet never touched me. (It is similar to your review of Obama & Putin. Unconsciously reaches to touch yet withdraws her hand.) I realize that it was my mistake of not initiating touching early on.
Recently, I had a study session with her. It went well, she seemed to enjoy herself, telling me about all the crazy stories she has been into. When we walked to a subway station, I invited her to grab a bite at a casual fast-food place. She said she has to go home. I gently persisted, saying that it is a nice place and I am going there anyway. She said that she would eat at home, and that was it. I said it is fine and that I will see her later. I suspect there might have been a money issue since her family is not prosperous. I did not want to tell her that "It will be on me" since it seems to be a very try-hard move. To state the fact, now I have two rejections. She acts interested when I talk to her, but her actions tell me otherwise. I realize that I could have been more decisive early on.
I still have to meet with her in the next 2 weeks since we have a group project together. Do you think I should try to create sexual male-female tension, or it is better to finish on a friendly note and move on? For the future though, what would be a fine line between building comfort with a girl without falling into a dreaded friendzone?
I would appreciate your feedback!
Hey mate, a few quick notes:
It's a common issue that men are more comfortable with comfort than sexuality.
That's why if you want to learn to up the sexuality, it's OK to go a bit overboard for a while trying to sexualize your interactions, or at least to be more comfortable around more sexually-charged topics and body language.
Unless one is really cold and boring, it's less needed for social circle though.
As a matter of fact, if you have a good sexual market value I would advise to be more careful with the sexuality than with friendliness: it's easy to come across as braggart and "all smoke and no meat".
The guys who get stuff done in social circles are more often the quiet ones than the loud ones.
Overall, if you were his type of guy, I could have seen this one developing towards something more.
That's how most relationships still start to this day, after all: repeated exposure.
Usually women do send signals though when they like the guy.
Her reaching out and then stopping seemed like such a sign: shy girls do that often when they're attracted. On the other hand, two "no" in a row are a more powerful signs that something might be amiss.
On the first invite: I would have gone for more time after university or after studying, like you did on the second invite. More natural and more likely to get a yes.
On the food on the subway station, overall it seems like a good move. It sounds like you asked on a high: great -and very important-. You asked casually, and it sounded very natural, also very good.
On the location, I would have gone for something different than fast food in a subway: overall not a great location for romance, but I don't think it made a difference.
When I want to play down me paying, I make it sound like the money isn't even coming from me. For example you could have said "I got a free coupon" -and then when in front of the cashier just say "damn I forgot them home, well no worries, next time". Or "I won a bet the other day". Anything that makes it seem like it's easy money, so you are pyaing but totally taking the pressure off from money and doesn't make it seem like you are buying her time.
Overall, there are many good signs, but the two times you the invite didn't go anywhere obviously weigh more than anything else, so the prognosis is not stellar here.
Usually it's not a good idea to increase sexual charge after two failed attempts, but you might still wanna do it for the learning experience -just don't exaggerate too much as she's still in your social circle-.
For the comfort VS sexual vibe, I was just typing that "casual sex and short-term dating ups sexual vibe, boyfriend candidate more comfort and less sexual vibe", but then I deleted it.
I should really know you in person to tell you "more of this, less of that".
