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Got Dumped Because Slow on Commitment
Hey Guys,
This would be my first post.
I met this girl in late July and we were very much into each other.
From the beginning we discussed our hopes and dreams and our desire to leave hookup culture and be in a relationship. So we started dating.
Around mid October she started dropping hints and desired in having the label bf/gf. I was also falling for her but I realized due to my history I wanted to take it slow and I told her I will ask her at around our 4 month mark. Mini fights started to happen because she complained of the lack of attention (i would be occasionally late for dates and I fell asleep on 2 dates and when we would watch movies together). Most of this was due to my busy schedule that I was learning to accommodate around her. At the 4 month mark we spent all day together and we want to a comedy show, I fell asleep in the last 15 min and it triggered her commitment anxiety.
She ended up breaking up with me highlighting she was pissed and hurt about the fact it would take 4 months and I explained to her that I wanted to ask her a month ago but I wanted to take it slow because I am letting go of some baggage from a previous relationship and I have had my hopes and dreams dashed.
I read through your article on how women control men and the drama started about 3-4 weeks ago when she started feeling anxious about where we were heading.
She said in the new year we should catch up. She definetly liked me and I liked her so I was wondering in the new year how I should re-approach her. I am still learning to be power aware so I want to try and do this the smoothest way possible.
Thanks for the advice guys
Hey Sodiq,
that's an interesting situation. 2 things:
- When you put the milestones you were very high power, now that she set the new deadline, she's higher power. So to me it's game over. I think it's better to look for another woman.
- Women interpret your actions towards them as how much you take the relationship seriously:
Mini fights started to happen because she complained of the lack of attention (i would be occasionally late for dates and I fell asleep on 2 dates and when we would watch movies together). Most of this was due to my busy schedule that I was learning to accommodate around her. At the 4 month mark we spent all day together and we want to a comedy show, I fell asleep in the last 15 min and it triggered her commitment anxiety.
All this are signs to her that you don't prioritise the relationship at the same level as she does. She does not care about the reason.
When she asked for commitment, she was at her most vulnerable. And even if you did not intend/realize, she felt rejected. So basically she gave you a last chance and those "mini-fights" were her awkward attempt to get what she wanted.
And because you did not and she ended the relationship, now you're not on her top list of choices. I think that her message is: "If I don't find anybody better in January, I'll consider getting together with you". But now it will be on her terms: "BF/GF or nothing". Also she's letting you time to think this over, basically she took away something from you and now you want it back. So that's her game and it's a fair game here. It's not manipulative, she told you what she wanted, you did not gave it to you she's taking away the sex and affection.
So if you're serious about her (I think it's worth do serious introspection before), there's a chance. But now you're coming from lower power.
I think it goes like this:
"You know I had time to think about my previous relationships and how it affected ours. I don't think it's fair to you nor to me. This is the past and I don't care about it anymore. I think you and I are compatible and I can see us building something together (girlspeak on purpose). If you're up for it I would like us to date again as BF/GF. It's important for me."
Yes, you have to make yourself vulnerable, but that's the only scenario I personally see from the current situation. Other members will probably have other contributions. Now it's basically all in. About the timing, if you choose this strategy I think it's good if you contact her 1-2 weeks before the deadline (better) to take some power back: you choose the time (take back the leadership) but still within her time frame (respect her desires).
However, I think entering a relationship from a place of weakness (there are still some hints of guilt trip here despite her desires being fair) is the worst option. So I personally would not do it as it stains the whole relationship. It becomes the story of your relationship and cements the dynamics: "to get something from me, take something away and you'll get what you want".
These are the 2 options I see: let it go (abundance mentality) or (try to) enter the relationship from a lower power position. As now it's her choice not yours anymore.
That's how I view it. If my feed-back is too direct/personal/blunt, please don't hesitate to use the "Feedback and Clarifications" thread.
PS: remember to introduce yourself, the better we know you the better the feed-back you can get (age, professional situation, country/culture, etc.)
Thanks John,
What you said aligned with my thoughts perfectly.
She definitely feels rejected and I had a feeling no matter what I said she won't want to understand.  And her emotional investment was much higher than I thought. She was subleasing a place and I crashed their alot and she said "I considered this place to be "our" place" and thats when I realized the depths of her feelings. It was very endearing but I felt like an idiot. I think that made me like her even more. However as a counter argument, my therapist who is a lady told me relationship timelines is always a difficult thing to manage and I did ask for more time... and the issues were framed under issues that are solvable if both are willing to do the work, so there is a question mark for if she is emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
I have no trouble finding other women but at the same time I will try to re-enter, it will hurt if she says no but pain makes you stronger. I will enter straight into the BF/GF role, I genuinely wanted that, just realized I needed time.  She didn't have to take herself away, for me to want this, I just needed some inner work and I do think I had the right to do that.
Sorry to hear that man.
And yeah, difficult to advice from the outside.
Some random notes:
- I respect women like that. She wanted a relationship, wasn't getting it, felt disrespected, and had the self-respect and strength to move on
- The frame of "I will ask you in X month" isn't very high power / leader like in my opinion
- The approach of you taking it slow is quite good and high value. It's all about how it's presented though, of course
- Falling asleep is no problem at all, unless you turn it into an issue (actually, it's an opportunity to turn it into how you're making time for her -giving- despite your busy life -high value-)
If you want to get back together, a good approach may be to send a last "goodbye" message that basically says "I was ready to commit, almost there" BUT while showing you're OK either way.
The goal is for her to realize/remember you're a great catch AND that she can still have you, and come back to you.
It requires skills to craft well though as it's very easy to sound too aloof and careless, or too needy/chase-y.
Thanks for the response Lucio,
"I respect women like that. She wanted a relationship, wasn't getting it, felt disrespected, and had the self-respect and strength to move on"
"The approach of you taking it slow is quite good and high value. It's all about how it's presented though, of course"
- There is an element of respect, but I think the way I managed the timeline of making it official was not good and I think I took too long and underestimated how badly she wanted it.
The frame of "I will ask you in X month" isn't very high power / leader like in my opinion
You don't think the frame was good? What do you recommend in this situation?
"If you want to get back together, a good approach may be to send a last "goodbye" message that basically says "I was ready to commit, almost there" BUT while showing you're OK either way.
The goal is for her to realize/remember you're a great catch AND that she can still have you, and come back to you.
It requires skills to craft well though as it's very easy to sound too aloof and careless, or too needy/chase-y."
This was her last message, what do you think of it and how do you think I should respond?
Today was hard. There were a lot of moments today where I thought to myself, I can't wait to tell Sidney, or I wonder what he would think about this. I know I'm the one who instigated the break up and therefore it's not fair that I keep texting you. But I just wanted to text you one last time to say that I hope if nothing else, that you realize I really did like you even if I'm terrible at showing my feelings for other people. I miss you already and I hope that you'll continue to invest in yourself because you're a good bean. Lastly, I hope one day you'll be able to look back on this relationship with a smile on your face because I know I will. Grateful to have met you Xoxo
