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Greetings from Norway!

#1 · June 20, 2022, 11:51 pm

Hello, peers

I entered the Power Moves University almost exactly a year ago, but this is my first post ever in here!😱
I haven't been progressing as fast through the curriculum as I've wanted, but I have definitely gotten my eyes up for power moves. And I see them everyday, from everyone. Even my best friends! For a too nice person as myself, I feel empowered only by being able to spot it. But now, I have come to the point where I feel it in my bones that I need to step it up, as I want to have my best life!

I have definitely a growth mindset, but standing up for myself and knowing what to say in the moment - gosh, that is a challenge for me. I either don't say anything, or I feel like I go out too hard.

Other persons' work on personal development which I am familiar with is Jordan Peterson, Echart Tolle, Teal Swan, Matthew Hussey, Neil Strauss, Aziz Gazipura and Aaron Doughty. But no one has explained social dynamics in such a native way as Lucio - like, what it all boils down to, word for word, and explained with super concrete examples. It's mind blowing! And soo powerful! I feel lucky to be here <3

I feel like I see the whole world through a more accurate lens now, and I am able to be more in touch of what is happening around me and how it affects me. But, I am still a newbie. I have come to the stage where I can recognise power moves, but I do not always know how to handle it with the right amount of energy.
I can't wait to share my experiences and discuss different topics with you in here. I hope to be able to provide a female, and maybe more vulnerable approaches to power moves? That is just a hunch that I have.

See you in here!

Best,
Maya88

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#2 · June 21, 2022, 12:45 am

Good to meet you Maya. I think more female perspective here would be great. Especially on collaboration. Norway is an advanced country - we're lucky to have you in the community. Look forward to your posts!

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#3 · June 21, 2022, 2:52 am

Det er en glede å møte deg, Maya!

I can feel you when you say you were too nice a person, for I was myself. I'm glad the guys here brought me to the dark side. I'm very interested in your vulnerable approach to power moves.

A very warm welcome!

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#4 · June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am
Welcome Maya!

And yes, I agree with you: just being able to see and understand the dynamics is a HUGE step forward.

Even if one were to stop there, you can already use that actively to pick better friends / partners / allies / jobs with better bosses etc. etc.

Many times I also don't react, I just take note and plan accordingly (ie.: "this person will never be close to me", or "I'll never meet this person again", or "we're only colleagues, only professional communication, no more").

A quick note on this:

Quote from Maya88 on June 20, 2022, 11:51 pm

I have definitely a growth mindset, but standing up for myself and knowing what to say in the moment - gosh, that is a challenge for me. I either don't say anything, or I feel like I go out too hard.

but I do not always know how to handle it with the right amount of energy.

I think there are two elements here:

Calibration, which is a challenge for almost everyone

The fear of enforcing boundaries or "going too hard", also very common, and more common and bigger for those who have been "nice" (or too nice) for their whole life.

A few ways of overcoming can be:

Starting out low intensity and growing towards the perfect balance will eliminate the fear: starting with responses that are lower in dominance can address the fear component. It's hard to go too hard with a simple, low-dominance statement, but it's already a huge step forward

Starting out with a few stock low-intensity defenses will eliminate the need for perfect calibration: there are a few ways to protect oneself that can be applied to a wide variety of occasions. For example "I feel that was not a very friendly thing to say/do" with a slightly pained facial expression can be used for a host of situations

Changing mindset from "enforcing boundaries" to "making up for past unfairness": many "good people" are sensitive to the issue of "fairness". So if they can change their mindset from "this might have been too strong" to "what happened in the past was not fair to me, and now I'm only slightly making up for it", that can give them more strength to defend their boundaries

Knowing you can always walk back and mend things (or even apologize): even if you overdo, you can always mend things. And, often, mending things after you went too far is the best medicine to stop the power moves and manipulations

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

Welcome Maya!

And yes, I agree with you: just being able to see and understand the dynamics is a HUGE step forward.

Even if one were to stop there, you can already use that actively to pick better friends / partners / allies / jobs with better bosses etc. etc.

Many times I also don't react, I just take note and plan accordingly (ie.: "this person will never be close to me", or "I'll never meet this person again", or "we're only colleagues, only professional communication, no more").

A quick note on this:

Quote from Maya88 on June 20, 2022, 11:51 pm

I have definitely a growth mindset, but standing up for myself and knowing what to say in the moment - gosh, that is a challenge for me. I either don't say anything, or I feel like I go out too hard.

but I do not always know how to handle it with the right amount of energy.

I think there are two elements here:

Calibration, which is a challenge for almost everyone
The fear of enforcing boundaries or "going too hard", also very common, and more common and bigger for those who have been "nice" (or too nice) for their whole life.

A few ways of overcoming can be:

Starting out low intensity and growing towards the perfect balance will eliminate the fear: starting with responses that are lower in dominance can address the fear component. It's hard to go too hard with a simple, low-dominance statement, but it's already a huge step forward
Starting out with a few stock low-intensity defenses will eliminate the need for perfect calibration: there are a few ways to protect oneself that can be applied to a wide variety of occasions. For example "I feel that was not a very friendly thing to say/do" with a slightly pained facial expression can be used for a host of situations
Changing mindset from "enforcing boundaries" to "making up for past unfairness": many "good people" are sensitive to the issue of "fairness". So if they can change their mindset from "this might have been too strong" to "what happened in the past was not fair to me, and now I'm only slightly making up for it", that can give them more strength to defend their boundaries
Knowing you can always walk back and mend things (or even apologize): even if you overdo, you can always mend things. And, often, mending things after you went too far is the best medicine to stop the power moves and manipulations

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

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#5 · June 21, 2022, 11:52 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

Agreed. This is a common issue for people who come here. This post could help a lot in PU. I learned a lot.

Lucio Buffalmano and Maya88 have reacted to this post.

#6 · June 21, 2022, 2:11 pm

It made me smile to see how warm and welcoming this community is 🙂

Great to have you here Maya,
I like the way you wrote - honest and warm. Makes it very easy to connect with you.
And having more female perspectives here could be quite insightful for everyone.

Quote from Maya88 on June 20, 2022, 11:51 pm
I have definitely a growth mindset, but standing up for myself and knowing what to say in the moment - gosh, that is a challenge for me.

We kind of all have this problem, because it only takes about 2 seconds and a few words to put one in a difficult spot.
But there are great methods and ways in Power University and on here, on how to be prepared, and to generally get strong 'social muscles', so these difficult situations actually become more like opportunities to stand out - or at least grow.
I thought about how to tackle this particular problem myself and will soon open a thread about it.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

I agree with John, this sounds awesome.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

The fear of enforcing boundaries or "going too hard", also very common, and more common and bigger for those who have been "nice" (or too nice) for their whole life.

Kind of related:

If you want to - I think a great subtopic would be strategies and ways on how to say "No" while avoiding a hard "No".
Because having difficulty saying "No" tends to be a common and lasting problem with the too nice folks (I see that in myself at least), because people don't respond positively, and it could be empowering to have different ways and methods to soften such a "No", as that makes it easier to deliver.

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#7 · June 21, 2022, 4:34 pm

And Welcome of course!

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#8 · June 21, 2022, 11:59 pm

Quote from Maya88 on June 21, 2022, 11:59 pm
It made me smile too, @anonymous_user to read all your warm welcomes and long answers, @transitioned, @kavalier, @lucio, @amerok. I feel very welcomed into the community <3 and connected with you. And a bit starstruck🤩 as I have seen many of your names on posts in this forum.

Thank you so much @lucio for taking the time to elaborate on strategies for how to enforce boundaries.
These 4:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

A few ways of overcoming can be:

Starting out low intensity and growing towards the perfect balance will eliminate the fear: starting with responses that are lower in dominance can address the fear component. It's hard to go too hard with a simple, low-dominance statement, but it's already a huge step forward

Starting out with a few stock low-intensity defenses will eliminate the need for perfect calibration: there are a few ways to protect oneself that can be applied to a wide variety of occasions. For example "I feel that was not a very friendly thing to say/do" with a slightly pained facial expression can be used for a host of situations

Changing mindset from "enforcing boundaries" to "making up for past unfairness": many "good people" are sensitive to the issue of "fairness". So if they can change their mindset from "this might have been too strong" to "what happened in the past was not fair to me, and now I'm only slightly making up for it", that can give them more strength to defend their boundaries

Knowing you can always walk back and mend things (or even apologize): even if you overdo, you can always mend things. And, often, mending things after you went too far is the best medicine to stop the power moves and manipulations

is spot on on what I should be doing as a next step. They feel... manageable as to where I am now in my journey. Thank you!

I also want to give a +1 on this one

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

I can actually experience physical discomfort by trying to enforce my boundaries. Yes, I know, it is pretty bad. But it is mostly for social and romantic relationships. At job, it is easier.

Learning more "safer" steps towards assertiveness would be amazing. Like the 4s you mentioned, they feel ok to try out.

I liked the idea of lessons on how to say no, by @anonymous_user . I find that hard sometimes, even though I have become better. But here as well, I need to write down word by word on what to say and rehearse.

I would love to follow your thread about tricky situations if you decide to make one, @anonymous_user. I too think they can be great learning opportunities.

It made me smile too, @anonymous_user to read all your warm welcomes and long answers, @transitioned, @kavalier, @lucio, @amerok. I feel very welcomed into the community <3 and connected with you. And a bit starstruck🤩 as I have seen many of your names on posts in this forum.

Thank you so much @lucio for taking the time to elaborate on strategies for how to enforce boundaries.
These 4:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

A few ways of overcoming can be:

Starting out low intensity and growing towards the perfect balance will eliminate the fear: starting with responses that are lower in dominance can address the fear component. It's hard to go too hard with a simple, low-dominance statement, but it's already a huge step forward

Starting out with a few stock low-intensity defenses will eliminate the need for perfect calibration: there are a few ways to protect oneself that can be applied to a wide variety of occasions. For example "I feel that was not a very friendly thing to say/do" with a slightly pained facial expression can be used for a host of situations

Changing mindset from "enforcing boundaries" to "making up for past unfairness": many "good people" are sensitive to the issue of "fairness". So if they can change their mindset from "this might have been too strong" to "what happened in the past was not fair to me, and now I'm only slightly making up for it", that can give them more strength to defend their boundaries

Knowing you can always walk back and mend things (or even apologize): even if you overdo, you can always mend things. And, often, mending things after you went too far is the best medicine to stop the power moves and manipulations

is spot on on what I should be doing as a next step. They feel... manageable as to where I am now in my journey. Thank you!

I also want to give a +1 on this one

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:06 am

Come to think of it, a post / PU lesson on how to go from "recovering too nice" to more empowered and assertive might be a great addition.

I can actually experience physical discomfort by trying to enforce my boundaries. Yes, I know, it is pretty bad. But it is mostly for social and romantic relationships. At job, it is easier.

Learning more "safer" steps towards assertiveness would be amazing. Like the 4s you mentioned, they feel ok to try out.

I liked the idea of lessons on how to say no, by @anonymous_user . I find that hard sometimes, even though I have become better. But here as well, I need to write down word by word on what to say and rehearse.

I would love to follow your thread about tricky situations if you decide to make one, @anonymous_user. I too think they can be great learning opportunities.

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