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Guilt tripping in birthday wishes
Hi Guys,
I received this text message:
Goodday Bel I would have liked to wish you a happy birthday in person but you don’t answer!! I would also have liked to celebrate with you this date so important !! 🤷♀️🤷♀️ Do know that I love you !! Many many wishes !! 😘😘
This was a rather close person who used to constantly guilt-trip me, and I was unfortunately unaware and under the fog.
Now, after one year of distancing myself from this person (whom I had blocked, and just recently unblocked) and learning, I clearly see the guilt-tripping. What a nasty message.
I responded by using the framing buffet, not complying and lowering investment:
Me: Thanks a lot, see you soon
But I am wondering if I should (or just could) have been clearer here. Like:
Me: I see you keep trying to guilt-trip me, on my birthday at that. Do know it doesn’t work anymore.
Or with the Desoe technique:
You write like I should feel guilty for not celebrating or not answering.
Going forward I appreciate a communication that is respectful of my choices, including where you might not agree.
This could maybe allow us a shot at reestablishing a (better) relation.
click on blockquote to expand
My point is just related to enforcing my boundaries, I don’t really know if I’m interested in a relation with this person anymore, especially since the manipulation immediately restarted, even after one year of no contact. This is the first message I receive from this person after unblocking.
But I would like to understand if you think my answer was enough to subcommunicate I don’t appreciate the tone and guilt-tripping, or if I should have drawn (or should now draw, with another message) a clearer boundary here.
Edit: I am realizing that a significant part of the problem is that most people don’t simply manipulate or power move in the open: they embed their worst moves inside socially accepted packages or inside situations where it would be totally insane to power move.
This person did it in the context of birthday wishes! And last year it was the same, only in voice (which is why I didn’t pick up now). Others did it to me in the context of professional work I was doing for them! Or in the context of things they were doing to help me! And so on.
So it is very difficult to strike the right balance between surfacing the power move and not coming across as ungrateful or crazy. Can I really respond to birthday wishes by surfacing the guilt-trip?
On the other hand, the carefully embedded covert package, to me, is proof that these people (including the person above) are extremely aware of what they are doing, and probably doing it on purpose. This makes the move even nastier.
Hey Bel,
You know the back-story better, so you know better.
But looking at it from the outside I'd say I'm glad you answered what you did and none of the other options (as a matter of fact, even the first one seemed way too cold and detached to me -a power move against someone who reached out to wish happy birthday- but, again, you know the story better!).
Generally speaking, you may be going through a phase of anger (and successive) over-reacting now against past and present power moves.
So whenever you pick what's a milder answer for you, chances are that it's the more strategically sound and smoother option (but again and again, it goes on a case by case basis, and you know better) :).
So even if this person was a manipulative person, generally speaking, you're strategically still better off not burning all bridges and turning her into an enemy (exceptions apply).
Thank you Lucio, your comment on the opportunity for me to go with the milder option in my current phase is very helpful.
So you would have just answered with a normal thanks message and let it slip?
Like:
It’s a pleasure to hear from you. Many many thanks and we’ll surely have the opportunity to catch up soon
But in this way would I not show unawareness of the guilt-tripping and encourage this person to do it more?
What I understand from your answer is that covert power moves usually require more covert responses, and that the degree of variation between investments (in answer and response) communicates displeasure in itself.
You know a lot better here, I don't know what happened prior.
I see a very warm message from her side.
The "you don't answer" is a fair complaint for someone who wants to give birthday wishes but doesn't see his calls being picked up (I'm actually surprised they even kept on trying instead of giving up and writing it off as a "ended relationship", which makes it all seem off without fully knowing the background).
I understand. From the outside, the message is not guilt-tripping.
This was a relative who kept pushing me to continue speaking with another person who had treated me very badly. Last year on my birthday, she complained on the phone (again) that I would not speak to the other person. She then started crying, then suddenly stopped and told me to “have a happy day for my birthday”, and “not to be sad”. I then proceeded to remain feeling somewhat guilt-ridden all my birthday.
Thanks again Lucio for your help. More mistakes surely to come, but at least now going in the right direction.
I see, now it makes sense!
Also the fact that it's "family", now adds up as to why they didn't stop trying, and it's because of the family ties (most people would have understood the friendship ended after so long without contact and replies).
In this case, if you want to draw boundaries, totally fair, but I'd do it on a phone call.
Also, I'd avoid mentioning the more technical terms (guilt-tripping) unless you're doing it very consciously as "shock-value" (most people would over-focus on that).
Personally, via text, I'd just go for the strategy of "we're not friends anymore, but I'm not gonna tell you and just keeping relationships distant but cordial enough to avoid burning bridges".
And I'd say something "Thanks! been busy with work. Hope all good with you!"
If you decide to draw boundaries on a phone call, do keep us updated, very curious about that.
