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High-value workplace communication for women

Continuing from this post:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 24, 2021, 7:22 am

Great analysis, Ali.

Could make its own case study.

So, I've started a new thread here for case studies on workplace communication geared toward women.

And, the first case study of the thread is "what to say when someone apologizes".

Sam(her advice on what NOT to do) "Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it."

Sam(her advice on what to do instead) "Thank you for apologizing, I forgive you."

In my opinion, the "thank you" was great because it communicated gratitude for their willingness to apologize for what they did wrong. And, that gratitude can help encourage that behavior—a willingness to help settle your negative social balance—in the future.

Here's why the "I forgive you" was too much:

Lucio: "By saying 'I forgive you' (or: 'I accept your apology') you shift the power from them to you. You could decide whether or not to forgive them, and you decided to grant absolution."

Now, if their apology was a covert power move then "I forgive you" is a good way to shift the power away from them. Yet, if their apology was actually genuine, value-adding behavior, then you're inflating your sense of status and authority over them with that "I forgive you". And, that can be very rapport-breaking.

As you can see below, some of the more power-aware folks in her comments had a lot to say about it:


Feel free to add to this thread with any of your thoughts or case studies!

Lucio Buffalmano, Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew WhitewoodTransitioned

Great analysis, Ali!

Very good at a "feel" level, too, which is the most challenging aspects of social and power dynamics to acquire.

By the way man, you've done some incredible progress over time.
Try to see your first posts for fun one day, and see what a progress.

Well done to you, happy for you, and also happy for what it says about human abilities in general. It provides evidence to the fact that one can also reach higher and higher levels in what's one of the most difficult things to learn, and most often associated with "inborn" quality that one either has, or has not.

Ali Scarlett and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.
Ali ScarlettMatthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?


Moved this into the "emotional intelligence" sub-thread.

The rationale is that albeit this is about power dynamics as well, it seems to be more helpful for people to learn and deelop that "social / emotional feel" that we often mention here but that there are no precise courses or steps to learn (yet).

If you, Ali -or anyone else- disagrees, just let me know.

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.
Matthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

We have this local variation where if you say sorry for bumping into someone on the street that person will say you re fine or you re right.  It sounds a bit judgey to me but it doesn't matter as there is no rapport in that situation.  There's a gentler version in NZ they say 'no worries'










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