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Holiday guilt-tripping: a boss power move
Some bosses or owners guilt-trip employees who took holidays.
The goals are to have employees to:
- Renounce some holidays
- Take holidays during downtimes or when the boss prefers (instead of how you can legally take them)
- Work during holidays
- Cancel holidays if already booked
- Submit to the boss
The last one is the one I actually found most annoying since I'd have no problem doing s some work.
But NOT under the pressure of a boss who's over-stepping your boundaries.
The dynamic is:
- Boss re-establishes power over you with a comment / power move / guilt trip on your holidays
- Boss sets a dynamic of holidays being "bad to take advantage of" , as if they were a gift that didn't legally belong to you
- Boss sets a dynamics of you being a taker / un-communited / bad employee because of your holidays (instead of a being contributor who deserves his time off)
- Boss acquire more power, and you lose more power, since he is basically overstepping the law and your rights
How to handle it
How do you handle it?
You can handle it in a million ways of course, many techniques can apply depending on the situation.
But it all starts from the mindset:
This SOB shouldn't dare to pull that power on me, and I'm set things straight now
If you're the boss...
And what if you're in the boss position?
Frankly, if you got submissive or clueless employees the natural tendency for many is to mob them, put pressure on them, and guilt-trip them.
So you don't even need to ask or pay.
However, you may ideally want to be a better man than that and extend basic respect to everyone in your team, including the clueless ones.
Plus, you may end up using those power moves on higher power folks and they will quickly start losing all respect for you.
So, one option is:
Just ask straight.
And give something back!
For example, you can ask if he can "do something" on his holidays because he's so valuable and it would be so helpful for the team.
And you will remember when bonus time comes around.
Or you can just say:
"I know this is a big ask and of course it's your right to say no and I will understand. But we're going through a rough time, and I need to ask this".
If you're the employee and the boss puts it like that, you may want indeed to consider it then.
One because he's respecting you.
And two because not doing it will cost you a lot in terms of promotions and consideration.
Awesome, awesome post and thread.
I have two personal stories on this.
First story - my first year in a law firm
Many many years ago, I started out as a young trainee attorney at this particular law firm.
I had one main partner whom I worked with, and two others who occasionally gave me work.
I went to my main partner and asked him if I could take vacations for one week at end of July. He said "yes".
One week before I was to leave, the other two partners approached me and told me they were "surprised to know I was leaving in one week".
They basically told me I could not depart on holiday, since I had not obtained their "personal permission"; and besides, they also told me, "no one here leaves for vacations before August".
Telling them I had asked (and obtained) permission from the main partner I used to work with, was to no avail.
In the end I told them I would not cancel the vacation (as they seemed to push for), but I could work from vacation.
One of them then proceeded to ask me to do totally useless work every afternoon of my vacation, just to ruin my time and show "who was (also) boss".
And the interesting thing is that I probably was nothing more than a pawn in their personal "power games". In other words, the real struggle was between themselves.
Second story - my last year with my former boss
Much much later, just some months before I left my former boss's firm to open my practice, I took vacations for the end of August.
My former boss tried to contact me via email with some fake emergency stuff during my vacation, asking me if I could help.
This time I immediately saw it was "fake", and I didn't reply. I had, in fact, already decided I was leaving him in some months, and this work environment had already become unbearable.
When I got back, he tried to guilt trip me in front of everyone by saying:
Him: Did you see what happened? You cannot take vacations at the end of August, because work comes up.
I answered him, in front of everyone:
Me: I don't see any problem in taking vacations at the end of August, and in fact I will do so again in the future if I need. After all, I had told you in advance and you had agreed.
Boss reply that last one, Bel.
Actually, several times I actually thought you had a lot more power than you sometimes portray yourself -both in terms of enough status/rank to say something like that and get away with it, and in terms of personal power to have the strength to push back-.
Another option if someone just feels like he can't resist the pressure:
Look, I can't promise anything, but if there is good connection, I may try to do something
Then, once you're away, one or a mix of these:
- Go off-grid, people will only be angry and try to reach out the first couple days, then they'll adjust
- Only do something small and late
- Say you need the time off for mental sanity
- Say you need the time off and "can't wait to come back fully energized to make things happen"
- Blame-shift to a third party, say your wife, partner, family or friends will be disappointed if you don't spend time with them and you also have a duty and obligation to them
