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Hoovering behavior from people I want to cut ties with
Recently two of my friends in the past that I decided to cut ties with reached out to me out of the blue. My gut reaction is to remain quiet and don't respond, but this feels so unnatural to me, since I don't like other people not being responsive to me so I always try to respond, but then I feel that personally I don't want to, so it creates a conundrum. Just wondering if you guys have some insight/opinions about these.
The first one is a friend who is also a friend of my ex (who was abusive and stalking me in the end), I feel there is some kind of my ex's energy coming out of my interaction with him so when we broke up I told this common friend that I can't handle this anymore and I hope to remain distance. This new year he sent me a message with something like this:
Him: I often think about the memories we shared and I hope to cross paths with you in the future. Happy new year and hope you are doing well!
I personally feel that this is a violation of boundary, since I wanted to keep distance and I made it explicit to him. I am also perplexed as why he thinks we can "cross paths in the future".
Another person was randomly texting me:
Him: I will be back in the city tomorrow (after not contacting me for months and not seeing me in person for more than a year, I know he travels a lot and he never shares with me about when he arrives/leaves before).
Me: I believe you sent this to the wrong person.
Him:Â No, I miss you.
Him:Â Let's hang out!
I know this guy is a bit of a player and has a messy open relationship, I made it clear to him that I am only interested in being friends, and I didn't feel that was clear cut to him based on his behaviors, so I feel a bit better about not responding to him anymore. I do feel that it was a kind of a low effort thing too because if he wants to hang out he can ask when I am available, how I am doing, etc. like a normal person.
Cheers Emily.
Regarding the first one, if you made explicit to him that you want to keep the distance and he still messaged I would say its completely ok to ignore him. He put his desires/feelings before yours.
 I don't like other people not being responsive to me so I always try to respond, but then I feel that personally I don't want to, so it creates a conundrum.
Yeah, it can be unpleasant to do things to others that we wouldn't want to be done to us. However, I see this in a different way:
He didn't care what you told him and still messaged you. And even thinking about it his message feels manipulative, he is trying to make you feel sad so you talk to him again. Maybe conciously or not.
Your instincts already told him that he could be dangerous and he's the friend of an abusive guy.
Regarding the player, I think it was a really good choice to ignore him.
That's what I think about it.
Feel free to comment about it.
P.S:
Speaking frankly the first thing I thought after reading both of their messages would be to block them right away, specially because they felt manipulative to me. Let's say I dislike people that try to manipulate others for sex/attention.
And even thinking about it his message feels manipulative, he is trying to make you feel sad so you talk to him again
Correction: His message *could be manipulative and could* be trying to make you feel sad.
Hi Power Duck,
Appreciate your confirmation of my gut feeling. I think I just need to practice feeling uncomfortable temporarily to be able to shift to a different mindset.
