How Should One Handle Dismissive Attitudes in Relationships?
Lucio: I'd also be careful not to sound accusatory.
This:
Me: Sometimes when I was young and came back home, you showed an attitude towards me.
Can put someone on the defensive if it's not properly delivered.
Do you think the descriptive approach as in standard assertion would work?
Me: Sometimes when I was young and came back home, you turned away and did not engage me.
This makes me feel that what I brought up was unimportant and you did not care about those topics.
The problem here is that if someone does not really care about those topics, he/she will say
Him: I didn't think those topics were of significance.
(Or worse)
I don't really care.
When I go stronger and take the accusatory judge frame, at least the person will react.
Then, I can soften the approach from there.
In short, I find it easier to work with some reaction than indifference.
Even if the reaction is defensive.
What would your advice be in similar situations?
I'd personally focus more on pre-frames.
Something like:
"you're my ****, I love you, our relationship is important to me. And to make it even better, I'd like to straighten out a few things between us".
But I think that you already have those foundations, Matthew.
And you most certainly know how to bring up topics without sounding accusatory / aggressive (if anything, your approach is generally too indirect)
It feels like the issue is another:
You seek emotional acknowledgment and mending of previous hurt from someone that might not be willing/able to give it.
And the sledgehammer, more direct and aggressive approach feels like you can get some glimmers of that.
But you can't bludgeon someone to death to scavenge for some love out of the pool of blood.
It's not an approach that does any good to anyone.
Edit:
Asterisked the relationship
Thanks a lot for the advice.
I think you hit the nail on the head.
It feels like the issue is another:
You seek emotional acknowledgment and mending of previous hurt from someone that might not be willing/able to give it.
And the sledgehammer, more direct and aggressive approach feels like you can get some glimmers of that.
But you can't bludgeon someone to death to squeeze some love out of them, it's not an approach that does any good to anyone.
Well, I think it's fair to demand love in certain situations.
Especially if the person had my trust and betrayed my trust.
And I'm not demanding the world from them.
Just an acknowledgement.
I don't think anyone has the right to gain my trust, betray my trust, hurt me deeply and then not give any acknowledgement afterwards.
And especially those relationships where I don't have a choice and there's a power dynamic difference.
Furthermore, I was young as well.
In many other relationships, I have a choice.
So that's something I take responsibility for.
I made the choice and conscious decision to take the risk of entering the relationships and collaboration.