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How to ask for a favor that had already been granted verbally but not factually
As per title
There was a guy who had told me he would have done me a favor I had ask him about. Specifically, did a photoset with him for free during an event (he's a pro photographer).
He has already edited and posted on his page the photos of other people he shot with, except that these people have more instagram followers than me and he released their photos with priority
Mine are still "being edited" but it's been almost 2 months compared to the others
So how did I ask him to work on my photos, since he already had told me he would have released my content in one month maximum while it's been 3 months already?
I don't want to sound pushy, since he did me this favour... but I also trust people to follow along with their word, so I'd like to have my stuff from him since he already consented to
Hello Illystorm,
I see this is a value exchange issue.
To put it bluntly: he has higher return work to do and you're not as valuable as his other priorities.
That's the core of the issue and to fix it, you need to fix that.
To "push it" as it is sours the relationship (and maybe makes you a taker, too?)
Otherwise, there are many ways to push it and get him to "keep his word", but chances are very high he'll do it while resenting you.
Such as, he'd give you your edited photos while thinking "now get out of my life".
I personally don't want to be the guy who ends up in that situation, also because, in my system of values, it's not really cool.
Why not?
Because it's certainly great to do one what says he will -and I encourage people to do so-.
In this case though, and correct me if I'm wrong, he didn't promise it seems, he just said. It's an important difference.
And it was a favor, as you said
So yeah, definitely not cool to say one thing and not follow through.
However...
On the other hand, it's also true that people have a right to pursue their best interest if it doesn't harm others.
And if you try to force him or "find a way" to make him do what's not good for him, isn't that a form of coercion or manipulation?
Mindset: take promises of handouts as "nice words" but nothing more
From a mindset point of view, generally speaking:
When people say they'll be giving freely without nothing in it for them, I take whatever they say as "nice to say, but not true" until it happens.
And I don't hold them accountable for the reasons above.
It's similar in dating, by the way.
Promises of ever-lasting love and "for ever till death do us apart" are nice... And if they're good, they're true today.
But I wouldn't take them too seriously in the longer term -yes it happens, I just don't count on it-.
How to prevent the issue
In this case, I'd have tried to prevent the issue with either:
- Strengthen his word: "are you sure it's OK mate"
- Display your own costs: because if we do, I'm also taking time into it, so I'd appreciate then to see the pictures later on
- adding some WIIFT,: "if it comes out well I'll be happy to recommend you to my friends"
- Add gratitude: "I really appreciate it man", "dinner will be on me"
How to fix it right now: address the root causes
So, back to the root cause:
How do you fix that?
You need to make the exchange fair for him as well, add some WIIFT.
Here are some ideas:
- Give something back, like that promise of a dinner, for example
- Pay him: tell him "man, you said you would, but I understand shit happens, tell me what you think is a fair price for this work"
- Ask for the unedited photos and edit them yourself, or pass them to an editor
If the pictures are important for you, I'd go for #3.
I'm sure that by this time there are also enough software to do automated, IG-ready edits of pictures.
If not there yet, we're probably close (and photoshop experts should be cautious about their future jobs).
Golden, thank you very much Lucio!
Important distinction about promise and saying. Now I understand why I have had some misunderstandings with other people.
In my personal development journey, I decided to become a man who "does what he says" and I did. So when I say something in my mind it has (almost) the same value as a promise. I say "almost": as I'm writing this I'm more aware that a promise I triple make sure I don't forget it. So yes, there is an added commitment when I say promise. However, if I say something I go through it. I allow myself to change my mind, but if I don't: I follow through.
However, this new attitude created some resentment from me towards other people: "He said he was going to do it and he did not" as I was holding them against the same standard I had for myself. Whereas in their minds it did not have the same value of commitment as I thought they had.
So key distinction I think, thanks a lot! In my notes.
Ok Lucio. your breakdown and analysis of the situation was so damn accurate and deep!
Like, so amazing that I could treat it as a blog article in and of itself :)
And as John Freeman said, thanks for making me reflect on the difference between "saying" and "promising"
Quote from John Freeman on January 10, 2023, 4:36 amGolden, thank you very much Lucio!
Important distinction about promise and saying. Now I understand why I have had some misunderstandings with other people.
In my personal development journey, I decided to become a man who "does what he says" and I did. So when I say something in my mind it has (almost) the same value as a promise. I say "almost": as I'm writing this I'm more aware that a promise I triple make sure I don't forget it. So yes, there is an added commitment when I say promise. However, if I say something I go through it. I allow myself to change my mind, but if I don't: I follow through.
However, this new attitude created some resentment from me towards other people: "He said he was going to do it and he did not" as I was holding them against the same standard I had for myself. Whereas in their minds it did not have the same value of commitment as I thought they had.
So key distinction I think, thanks a lot! In my notes.
Yeah, I think if one is strict on himself to keep one's words and then expect others to be the same, that may create an issue as you say.
Also it depends of course what one is talking about.
For example, I'm very liberal and casual with saying "let's catch up soon" and then not making plans because it's relatively common to do, and because the goal of that is to sub-communicate "I appreciate seeing you", rather than "we will make plans".
On the other hand, if one is saying "I'll pick you up after work" and then doesn't show up, well... Obviously that's different :).
Also, I think it's good to have different standards and expectations -and maybe even behavior- with men and women.
Whatever PC demands one to say, on average, men expect people to keep their words far more than women and assign "straight" points to those who follow up.
Women are a lot more casual and liberal -which partially explains the disconnect between men and women when setting up dates-.
Quote from Illystorm on January 10, 2023, 7:59 amOk Lucio. your breakdown and analysis of the situation was so damn accurate and deep!
Like, so amazing that I could treat it as a blog article in and of itself 🙂
And as John Freeman said, thanks for making me reflect on the difference between "saying" and "promising"
Thank you so much for the reply and note, Illystorm.
It's always super helpful to know what's helpful.
For example, I'm very liberal and casual with saying "let's catch up soon" and then not making plans because it's relatively common to do, and because the goal of that is to sub-communicate "I appreciate seeing you", rather than "we will make plans".
On the other hand, if one is saying "I'll pick you up after work" and then doesn't show up, well... Obviously that's different :).
Also, I think it's good to have different standards and expectations -and maybe even behavior- with men and women.
Whatever PC demands one to say, on average, men expect people to keep their words far more than women and assign "straight" points to those who follow up.
Women are a lot more casual and liberal -which partially explains the disconnect between men and women when setting up dates-.
2 important distinctions, thank you very much!
