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How to be a good (dominant) guest

#1 · February 2, 2021, 6:06 am

Quote from John Freeman on February 2, 2021, 6:06 am
Hello guys,
Experience
When I'm at someone else's place, unless it's a very close friend, I behave submissive. I know I can be quite dominant with my loud voice, gestures and fill the mental space with my own mental universe. So I try to tone it down by being submissive with the host.
Analysis
I think this is not the right strategy. Because I lose leadership capital each time I go to someone else's place. However, as said somewhere else I'm afraid of being too dominant and being rejected for it. So I need a middle ground.
Behavior
I'm thinking about going towards dominance as much as possible while saying out loud: "this is your place". And of course, behaving respectfully and value-adding: helping bring back the dishes to the kitchen, proposing water or drinks to people when they don't have any, etc. I was doing my best to help the host AKA to be a good guest.
Aha moment! Ok, I think my mistake is that I was preventing myself by behaving as the (dominant) host (did not want to be too dominant) but at the same time I would do the submissive things a host would do (helping bring back the dishes to the kitchen, proposing water or drinks to people when they don't have any, etc.). That is what made me look submissive. My goal here is to be an adequate leader at someone else's place.
So I should simply ask the host:
Can I help you with anything: leads to a "no"
What can I help you with?": leads to a "yes"
What is your opinion on the matter?
Also, in the context of my friend's birthday at his place, how would you behave?
Subsidiary question: would you recommend a book on good manners for behaving at someone else's place? If yes, which one?
Edit: I also realize that being too drunk lowers my leadership capital. So I think that in a social context, if I’m not with a couple of few close trusted friends I should behave like at work. That means to be in control at all times. That is Power. To be social, to laugh and be myself but not drop my guard entirely. That comes at the price of fun, though. More like Michael Corleone. I’m also interested to have your opinion on this thought.

Hello guys,

Experience

When I'm at someone else's place, unless it's a very close friend, I behave submissive. I know I can be quite dominant with my loud voice, gestures and fill the mental space with my own mental universe. So I try to tone it down by being submissive with the host.

Analysis

I think this is not the right strategy. Because I lose leadership capital each time I go to someone else's place. However, as said somewhere else I'm afraid of being too dominant and being rejected for it. So I need a middle ground.

Behavior

I'm thinking about going towards dominance as much as possible while saying out loud: "this is your place". And of course, behaving respectfully and value-adding: helping bring back the dishes to the kitchen, proposing water or drinks to people when they don't have any, etc. I was doing my best to help the host AKA to be a good guest.

Aha moment! Ok, I think my mistake is that I was preventing myself by behaving as the (dominant) host (did not want to be too dominant) but at the same time I would do the submissive things a host would do (helping bring back the dishes to the kitchen, proposing water or drinks to people when they don't have any, etc.). That is what made me look submissive. My goal here is to be an adequate leader at someone else's place.

So I should simply ask the host:

Can I help you with anything: leads to a "no"
What can I help you with?": leads to a "yes"

What is your opinion on the matter?

Also, in the context of my friend's birthday at his place, how would you behave?

Subsidiary question: would you recommend a book on good manners for behaving at someone else's place? If yes, which one?

Edit: I also realize that being too drunk lowers my leadership capital. So I think that in a social context, if I’m not with a couple of few close trusted friends I should behave like at work. That means to be in control at all times. That is Power. To be social, to laugh and be myself but not drop my guard entirely. That comes at the price of fun, though. More like Michael Corleone. I’m also interested to have your opinion on this thought.

#2 · February 7, 2021, 4:40 am

John,

I'm not too sure about the "this is your place".
It can come across as a bit overbearing in my opinion.

The guy would think "sure it is, why are you even saying that"?

I for one wouldn't like my guests saying that.

A good host wants his guests to feel comfortable, and reminding him -and others- that "this is his place" can frame the interaction in a way that makes it harder for the owner to make his guests feel welcomed and at ease.

Edit:
It's a line that can be used and can be useful.
For example, if you feel like you're being too dominant / leading a lot, then it can serve to re-empower the owner. But rather than "your place", I might say, depending on the situation, "you know it", "up to you", or "you tell me where to put it".

GETTING (TOO) DRUNK

The power dynamics of (excessive) inebriation, an interesting subject, as well as overlapping with people's (perceived) quality.

But it's a different topic :)

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