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How to deal with being ignored

#1 · January 22, 2023, 8:52 pm

Hi everyone,

I read a post on the forum about ignoring as a powerful frame control move

But how one deals effectively with it on the receiving end?

Why others do it and what are good counter strategies?

I know that the topic could be quite broad due to the presence of many causes for it, but I was wondering if it could be narrowed down to some specific or most frequent points

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#2 · July 10, 2023, 4:03 pm

I realized that this post I made was lacking in details, so I'd like to be more specific.

About the topic of being ignored, I always hear conflicting advice.

When Jordan Peterson was asked this question by a student, he answered "do not cast pearls before swine", which basically means that if someone ignores you, you should stop talking to that person forever.

On the other hand though, we here preach the ways of power and if someone ignores us, normally we feel disrespected / slighted in our status and we would like to address it... either with words or with actions.

Now, I understand that being ignored depends on the respect we have from others, what we say / do, our status, whether we're being value takers or givers, our level of skill in something ("So good they can't ignore you") and so on.

But are there ways to avoid being ignored by just using a pure counter-power move (so in a bad way)?

Say, raising the voice tone, taunting someone, having some kind of edge on our persona...

Or a way to avoid being ignored by resetting our respect and poor past precedents with certain people / social groups (so in a good way)?

#3 · July 10, 2023, 5:11 pm

Post still lacks details, you gave more ideas but still nothing concrete in the second post. Specific situation would've been useful.

There's no way to avoid being ignored in all cases, it may be fair in some situations to ignore someone.

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#4 · July 10, 2023, 7:28 pm

Quote from Illystorm on July 10, 2023, 7:28 pm
Ok I'll try to come up with specific situations and subset of ignoring
Writing to a girl in Instagram DMs
Happened to me in 2 cases. First with a girl that used to like me but I was not ready to start a relationship with.
Due to lack of communication, she moved on and now is in a lesbian relationship. She also boosted her follower counts (higher status technically), and technically we still talk each other when we meet, but she plays these games where she sometimes ignore me (in this case I just count them as games)
In DM's she once had a medical condition and I wrote to cheer her up, but she saw without answer. Also if I write normal compliments I'm ignored, I really have to up the ante and be super original to get an answer.
In the case of this girl I just started ignoring her altogether without ever trying to play a "power move" to get her answering.
In presence, I once wanted to adjust a strand of hair of hers that was untidy (from a wig, she's a cosplayer) and she stopped me dead in my tracks by telling me "don't touch me", and ofc I was pissed because my intentions were good and non flirty.
Same thing with another girl: she initially added me on IG and we used to support each other, then she moved up and if I write some compliment in DM's I just get ignored.
In this case I see (from their perspective not mine) an issue with "status" and in the first case a "poor past precedent" since the first girl used to be into me. I'd just want to have genuine friendship with both of them now, but never seem to succeed in this.
I consider myself as good looking (said by other girls, not trying to boost my ego here... and I say this to highlight that the "external value" is there) and also have a nice physique, but these two girls are in a relationship so I suppose it's not "effective" on them compared to "status" or "usefulness" (lack of "deeper value" for them)
Social circles
Since this is about on-person relationships, I believe that charisma plays a far bigger role than with social media relationships.
Now, I don't have a strong and interesting voice to be said so I struggle in these situations. I usually speak in low tones, and to be heard I almost have to shout while others are also talking.
Another big weakness I have that I really struggle to fix is that I'm slow at responding in real-time situations, so I miss a lot of windows of opportunity for rapid-fire replies.
I fare better at interactions among few people (maximum 3-4 people) and at low-energy interactions.
Important detail: I have witty humour and love puns, but in my group people seem to prefer other forms of humour that are more direct, less impersonal and quicker to understand. Say the typical "men talk" where we playfully tease each other.

For now only these two situations come to mind, and maybe I went too detailed this time, but since you asked :)
Based on what I said in my last comment, it's a matter of receiving the "ignoring" power move from others and let it slide VS doing something about it.
And again, a matter of whether it's better to reverse the poor past precedents by finding ways to add value they care about and being even more interesting in general VS say starting to be sarcastic or speaking louder or something like that to not be ignored again in my social circle.
And other than the general rule of "if your name or money or things you really care about are at stake, you must address the power moves", I can't think of when and how to address the ignoring power move

Ok I'll try to come up with specific situations and subset of ignoring

Writing to a girl in Instagram DMs

Happened to me in 2 cases. First with a girl that used to like me but I was not ready to start a relationship with.
Due to lack of communication, she moved on and now is in a lesbian relationship. She also boosted her follower counts (higher status technically), and technically we still talk each other when we meet, but she plays these games where she sometimes ignore me (in this case I just count them as games)

In DM's she once had a medical condition and I wrote to cheer her up, but she saw without answer. Also if I write normal compliments I'm ignored, I really have to up the ante and be super original to get an answer.
In the case of this girl I just started ignoring her altogether without ever trying to play a "power move" to get her answering.

In presence, I once wanted to adjust a strand of hair of hers that was untidy (from a wig, she's a cosplayer) and she stopped me dead in my tracks by telling me "don't touch me", and ofc I was pissed because my intentions were good and non flirty.

Same thing with another girl: she initially added me on IG and we used to support each other, then she moved up and if I write some compliment in DM's I just get ignored.

In this case I see (from their perspective not mine) an issue with "status" and in the first case a "poor past precedent" since the first girl used to be into me. I'd just want to have genuine friendship with both of them now, but never seem to succeed in this.

I consider myself as good looking (said by other girls, not trying to boost my ego here... and I say this to highlight that the "external value" is there) and also have a nice physique, but these two girls are in a relationship so I suppose it's not "effective" on them compared to "status" or "usefulness" (lack of "deeper value" for them)

Social circles

Since this is about on-person relationships, I believe that charisma plays a far bigger role than with social media relationships.

Now, I don't have a strong and interesting voice to be said so I struggle in these situations. I usually speak in low tones, and to be heard I almost have to shout while others are also talking.
Another big weakness I have that I really struggle to fix is that I'm slow at responding in real-time situations, so I miss a lot of windows of opportunity for rapid-fire replies.

I fare better at interactions among few people (maximum 3-4 people) and at low-energy interactions.

Important detail: I have witty humour and love puns, but in my group people seem to prefer other forms of humour that are more direct, less impersonal and quicker to understand. Say the typical "men talk" where we playfully tease each other.

For now only these two situations come to mind, and maybe I went too detailed this time, but since you asked :)

Based on what I said in my last comment, it's a matter of receiving the "ignoring" power move from others and let it slide VS doing something about it.

And again, a matter of whether it's better to reverse the poor past precedents by finding ways to add value they care about and being even more interesting in general VS say starting to be sarcastic or speaking louder or something like that to not be ignored again in my social circle.

And other than the general rule of "if your name or money or things you really care about are at stake, you must address the power moves", I can't think of when and how to address the ignoring power move

#5 · July 10, 2023, 8:23 pm

I gotta echo DGX37 on requesting a concrete example rather than general situations.

Being ignored can come down to a lot of major root causes, including:

Low status in the group
Low power when speaking
Bad timing
Something something totally off or off-topic (so people hear you, but they will ignore)

As for this:

Quote from Illystorm on July 10, 2023, 7:28 pm
Based on what I said in my last comment, it's a matter of receiving the "ignoring" power move from others and let it slide VS doing something about it.

Nah, let it slide mate, it doesn't really matter, just be nice to others and they will listen to you next time...

... Can you imagine if anyone on this forum would ever tell you that?

Of course exceptions always apply but, generally speaking... Of couse you want to do something about it!

This may come across as too "unfriendly", but my gut reaction is that you don't need any answer on this thread, you only need to respect yourself more and stop letting others disrespect you.

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#6 · July 10, 2023, 11:00 pm

Illystorm it sounds like mental or 'inner' game. And it might be that you came Here to vent as much as get advice because its no fun when people disrespect you. I am a natural introvert so I find the stuff quite tiring too But you have to develop enough front to make your way in the world.

No Instagram girl should be able to bother you much. Just stay busy and interact with plenty of girls.

On charisma it sounds like you are quite self-aware and you know what you need to work on. Stay other focused in your talk. Ali had a great post here about asking better questions to encourage deeper conversations and rapport.

Toastmasters is really great these days because a lot of it moved online so you can surf the time zones and practice 3 times a week if you have the time.

In one useful thing I did get from my PUA phase is the concept of self amused mastery. Have fun with the games that you and others play.

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#7 · July 11, 2023, 9:14 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 10, 2023, 8:23 pm
I gotta echo DGX37 on requesting a concrete example rather than general situations.
Being ignored can come down to a lot of major root causes, including:
Low status in the group
Low power when speaking
Bad timing
Something something totally off or off-topic (so people hear you, but they will ignore)

Thanks Lucio,
the concise list is pretty much what I was looking for. Great starting points to go from, and subtopics that I can better delve deeper in.

Yeah I also realized that my question was too vague, and in the end I provided specific examples in my last comment

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 10, 2023, 8:23 pm
As for this:
Quote from Illystorm on July 10, 2023, 7:28 pm
Based on what I said in my last comment, it's a matter of receiving the "ignoring" power move from others and let it slide VS doing something about it.
Nah, let it slide mate, it doesn't really matter, just be nice to others and they will listen to you next time...
... Can you imagine if anyone on this forum would ever tell you that?
Of course exceptions always apply but, generally speaking... Of couse you want to do something about it!
This may come across as too "unfriendly", but my gut reaction is that you don't need any answer on this thread, you only need to respect yourself more and stop letting others disrespect you.

Yeah that's the spirit, I admit that I love black and white answers even though things are rarely black and white in life (exceptions to the rules always exist ofc).

But it's inspirational to be reminded on which side this forum stands, and I totally agree.

I mostly did this post to see if there are specific way to combat the ignoring, and you and the others already gave great advice.

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#8 · July 11, 2023, 9:24 am

Quote from Transitioned on July 10, 2023, 11:00 pm
Illystorm it sounds like mental or 'inner' game. And it might be that you came Here to vent as much as get advice because its no fun when people disrespect you. I am a natural introvert so I find the stuff quite tiring too But you have to develop enough front to make your way in the world.
No Instagram girl should be able to bother you much. Just stay busy and interact with plenty of girls.
On charisma it sounds like you are quite self-aware and you know what you need to work on. Stay other focused in your talk. Ali had a great post here about asking better questions to encourage deeper conversations and rapport.
Toastmasters is really great these days because a lot of it moved online so you can surf the time zones and practice 3 times a week if you have the time.
In one useful thing I did get from my PUA phase is the concept of self amused mastery. Have fun with the games that you and others play.

Feel you man, I'm also an introvert and find all pretty tiring. But I concur that eventually you have to play the game of charisma and especially the game of power to survive, lest one wants to be a hermit (and stay ineffectual in life)

I mentioned them because we are friends technically speaking, but seriously social medias make people too self-centered and entitled so yeah.

Had never heard of Toastmaster and amused mastery, gonna check these out thx mate.

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#9 · July 11, 2023, 10:20 am

OFF-TOPIC

You guys mentioned being introverts.

I also add myself to that list.
Not super extreme may be, but definitely more on the introverted side of the spectrum.

I suspect there maby more introverts who seek this typo of info and who may potentially gain even more from ti (albeit, of course, plenty of naive and low power extroverts are far from maximizing their returns, but they just simply don't realize it as much as introverts do)

OFF-TOPIC

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