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How to deal with friend's relationship issues and drama
I feel conflicted about a friend of mine (let's call her Mary), who's generally great and very generous, but her relationship drama has gotten to me a bit, and she likes talking about it with me. I feel bad sometimes but I don't know what it is, and how I can express my own feelings and communicate to her, or remain quiet but reconcile internally about it.
About her:
- Very successful career and great income
- Outgoing, friendly, good at people skills and negotiating due to growing her own business
- Generous to friends - e.g. lent money to friends in need, let people stay over etc.
- Lots of interests and hobbies
- Hosts great parties and good at connecting people
I think she's woman with great initiative, but her marriage has been collapsing. She met her husband a number of years ago through a religious group, but since then she has grown out of it and became agnostic. She also found out that her husband has social communication issues (social awkwardness noticed by multiple friends that hint on the autistic spectrum, albeit just lightly), and claims that they also have sexual incompatibility issues.
She said she raised the issue of divorce four years ago but her husband vehemently refused the idea because of his religious background. Since then she'd moved her attention elsewhere - dating other men (online or known in the circle). I said that she probably should put the legal process of divorce on her agenda. And she tells me that she is hiring a lawyer but this process is so complicated due to her financial assets, which is why it took her so long to take action.
I am surprised by how she could deal with things on her job very very efficiently but this issue for her marriage went on for so long. According to her husband, there was no sexual compatibility issues and it's all "in her head", also she had threatened suicide multiple times. To which she claims that her husband simply doesn't understand her and is poor in communication and empathy. Also she said the threats were just because she gets emotional, but she actually doesn't mean it. I am just perplexed by this situation. I thought maybe there is something deeper in her emotional past, maybe something that need to be addressed. But I don't know as a friend how I can help her. I also feel that sometimes how she treats her husband is not right, but I don't feel like being judgy about it. She often shares her problems and stories about her dating life, and I just feel there is something off there.
I would really appreciate some feedback from the PU community to see how I can make peace with this situation
Hmm interesting case.
Also, it's always enlightening to hear both sides of the story -else, you most often get one very biased version only :)-.
Doesn't seem like either of them come out of it tpp good: it's not very cool of her husband to share she threatened suicide, while it's not cool of her to blame her husband only when, in fact, threatening suicide is a big move -and also suggests that she does like her husband somewhat and/or that he does have some (emotional) leverage on her, since threatening suicide means that you want something from someone and/or that they're getting to you-.
P.S.: in a similar situation the classier thing to say is something like "it's not working out, there could be a million things to say, but overall, not his fault, hopefully not my fault, we're just different".
As for your question, what exactly do you mean "make peace with this situation"?
In the sense that you want to make sense of it, that you want "Mary" to stop complaining to you, or that it's weighing on you and you want to regain some emotional peace?
Edit:
fixed poorly written sentences
Hello, Emily
I hope your friend can grow out of this soon.
I feel it's an important part of the friendship to be there for her and be willing to listen to her, empathize and show support. This is what real friendships are for – it's a network of support for everybody involved, and it means sharing the burden to a certain degree. So it's okay to feel bad when one of your friends is feeling bad (gosh, I'd even say this is great. It's a sign of health. People who don't feel this way are by definition in sociopath territory).
The risk, though, is that if you overdo this, she might want you to be available for her the whole time. I'd check on her perhaps once a week or so. Talk to her on the phone for one hour or so. Perhaps you can strategize together – you could, for example, help her to find a good lawyer to handle the divorce, help her to set up a good online dating profile, and things like that. Listen to her a little bit, let her vent, but don't dwell on it for long. Go out with her sometimes (say once every two weeks), have a walk, watch people, see nature, play a game, do something physical (good do release energy).
Talking about suicide is not trivial. It's a sign that she needs professional help, and it's important that you convince her of this at some point.
Hello Emily,
Plenty of good feed-back already. To me, this smells "psychiatry". In your post, there are hints she has mental/emotional issues. So I think it's good to listen to your friend. However, I would not get too enmeshed in this situation.
You will see by testing the water: if you recommend her a psychiatrist/psychologist and she says: "it's a good idea, I've been thinking about it, thanks" or something along these lines, it's good ("why do you think that?" is also good as she wants to understand why you're proposing). If she acts on it, good.
If she says: "I don't think I need a psychiatrist" or even worse: "I think he needs a psychiatrist". This is a red flag of someone who's not ready to look inside of them nor take responsibility of their actions.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 3, 2022, 9:11 pmHmm interesting case.
Also, it's always enlightening to hear both sides of the story -else, you most often get one very biased version only :)-.
Doesn't seem like either of them come out of it tpp good: it's not very cool of her husband to share she threatened suicide, while it's not cool of her to blame her husband only when, in fact, threatening suicide is a big move -and also suggests that she does like her husband somewhat and/or that he does have some (emotional) leverage on her, since threatening suicide means that you want something from someone and/or that they're getting to you-.
P.S.: in a similar situation the classier thing to say is something like "it's not working out, there could be a million things to say, but overall, not his fault, hopefully not my fault, we're just different".As for your question, what exactly do you mean "make peace with this situation"?
In the sense that you want to make sense of it, that you want "Mary" to stop complaining to you, or that it's weighing on you and you want to regain some emotional peace?
Edit:
fixed poorly written sentences
Yeah, I think it is starting to weigh on me a bit. I don't think I can derive complete truth from either of them, so it is like a real-world story of Rashomon.
It perplexes me how quickly she moves to other men, which makes me feel that there is some emotional blockage for her to look internally, but she just keeps chasing the "perfect man". I don't feel that's a good way to deal with it, but I understand the angst since everybody wants emotional comfort/companion, also she is concerned about children as she gets older.
I want to trust her, but I think she needs to work on herself emotionally (as Bel and John pointed out below). I've raised this before, and I don't know how I can help her to see that. Maybe I am taking on too much of this? Maybe I have a rescuer complex. This is what I am trying to figure out by "wanting to make emotional peace".
Quote from Kavalier on August 3, 2022, 10:19 pmHello, Emily
I hope your friend can grow out of this soon.
I feel it's an important part of the friendship to be there for her and be willing to listen to her, empathize and show support. This is what real friendships are for – it's a network of support for everybody involved, and it means sharing the burden to a certain degree. So it's okay to feel bad when one of your friends is feeling bad (gosh, I'd even say this is great. It's a sign of health. People who don't feel this way are by definition in sociopath territory).
The risk, though, is that if you overdo this, she might want you to be available for her the whole time. I'd check on her perhaps once a week or so. Talk to her on the phone for one hour or so. Perhaps you can strategize together – you could, for example, help her to find a good lawyer to handle the divorce, help her to set up a good online dating profile, and things like that. Listen to her a little bit, let her vent, but don't dwell on it for long. Go out with her sometimes (say once every two weeks), have a walk, watch people, see nature, play a game, do something physical (good do release energy).
Talking about suicide is not trivial. It's a sign that she needs professional help, and it's important that you convince her of this at some point.
Great insight, Kavalier!
I also feel that I need to balance my distance to be a good friend to her and also not get too enmeshed in this. Those are great strategies of interactions to think about.
Quote from John Freeman on August 3, 2022, 10:38 pmHello Emily,
Plenty of good feed-back already. To me, this smells "psychiatry". In your post, there are hints she has mental/emotional issues. So I think it's good to listen to your friend. However, I would not get too enmeshed in this situation.
You will see by testing the water: if you recommend her a psychiatrist/psychologist and she says: "it's a good idea, I've been thinking about it, thanks" or something along these lines, it's good ("why do you think that?" is also good as she wants to understand why you're proposing). If she acts on it, good.
If she says: "I don't think I need a psychiatrist" or even worse: "I think he needs a psychiatrist". This is a red flag of someone who's not ready to look inside of them nor take responsibility of their actions.
Ha, yes I suggested this a couple times, and both of them told me that therapy didn't work well, and they "already tried everything", whatever that means. I offered a relationship coaching service that I trust to her, and it seems that helped her a bit.
But reading your message makes me feel a bit better, John. I can just keep suggesting things to her, being a good listener etc. but ultimately she herself needs to have internal motivation to make the change.
Quote from Emily on August 4, 2022, 12:56 am
It perplexes me how quickly she moves to other men, which makes me feel that there is some emotional blockage for her to look internally, but she just keeps chasing the "perfect man". I don't feel that's a good way to deal with it, but I understand the angst since everybody wants emotional comfort/companion, also she is concerned about children as she gets older.
I want to trust her, but I think she needs to work on herself emotionally (as Bel and John pointed out below). I've raised this before, and I don't know how I can help her to see that. Maybe I am taking on too much of this? Maybe I have a rescuer complex. This is what I am trying to figure out by "wanting to make emotional peace".
Hi Emily,
after Lucio, Kavalier and John’s excellent posts, I want to add that your own posts to me seem to point in two separate directions, and probably both of these should be acknowledged.
You write several things that imply that your friend probably has a “problem” to be made aware of, but after that you also write that this is something for you to find peace with.
To me it’s impossible to be sure that a person has an issue with how things are in his or her life.
I would go as far as to say that, if a person complains but does nothing to change things, does not ask for advice and does not seem to “see things” even after you raised them more than once, it’s a possibility to be considered that things may be somewhat fine as they are for that person, and that there may be a secondary gain from the situation.
To me, a part of you seems to already know, at some level, that accepting more of reality (ie the fact that your friend somewhat wants to be as she is) could help you get more peace with regard to this situation.
Quote from Bel on August 4, 2022, 1:28 amQuote from Emily on August 4, 2022, 12:56 amIt perplexes me how quickly she moves to other men, which makes me feel that there is some emotional blockage for her to look internally, but she just keeps chasing the "perfect man". I don't feel that's a good way to deal with it, but I understand the angst since everybody wants emotional comfort/companion, also she is concerned about children as she gets older.
I want to trust her, but I think she needs to work on herself emotionally (as Bel and John pointed out below). I've raised this before, and I don't know how I can help her to see that. Maybe I am taking on too much of this? Maybe I have a rescuer complex. This is what I am trying to figure out by "wanting to make emotional peace".
Hi Emily,
after Lucio, Kavalier and John’s excellent posts, I want to add that your own posts to me seem to point in two separate directions, and probably both of these should be acknowledged.
You write several things that imply that your friend probably has a “problem” to be made aware of, but after that you also write that this is something for you to find peace with.
To me it’s impossible to be sure that a person has an issue with how things are in his or her life.
I would go as far as to say that, if a person complains but does nothing to change things, does not ask for advice and does not seem to “see things” even after you raised them more than once, it’s a possibility to be considered that things may be somewhat fine as they are for that person, and that there may be a secondary gain from the situation.
To me, a part of you seems to already know, at some level, that accepting more of reality (ie the fact that your friend somewhat wants to be as she is) could help you get more peace with regard to this situation.
Such a good point, Bel.
Yes this is exactly what I am grappling with. She must be fine with the status quo. This also makes me feel that it can be generalized to a lot of different things in life - if we complain without action, then deep down we actually accept the reality. Otherwise when the pain grows to be too much, to be really unbearable, we WOULD do something to make the change.
Hi Emily,
I'm sorry to hear this about your friend. What I reccomend is to continue to be a good shoulder for her to lean on.
But definitely take time for yourself to relax and recharge.
Maybe the BOTH of you could do something relaxing and soothing together (spa day, yoga).
Friends always appreciate it when you are there for them, but do not forget to take care of yourself as well.
-S.
