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How to defend against a mocking supervisor?
Hello guys,
at my work, a supervisor uses mocking to put people down. Currently I'm not working all day with him but we still work together. It's not really mean mockery but it still is. He uses against other males that he feels are at his level or below. And he used me against me of course. Basically it's also when we are surrounded by women (who are colleagues). So it stems from insecurity of course.
My initial response was to laugh along as it's not too bad attacks. Also he's very good in his field and overall I like his character, or at least what he shows off his character. However, I saw him attack one of his peers. Here it is:
Peer forgets his mask in his office and comes without the mask. Him (after peer left the room): I had forgotten he had this face (in a tone that is: what kind of face is that?). And we laughed.
Against me i don't even remember the exact attacks as it's so childish, but there was two female colleagues with us at this moment.
However, I now decided that enough is enough. I don't have to take it anymore as I deserve respect. My mindset (copyright L.B.) is: "This is abuse and I don't tolerate abuse.
Now here comes the politics. I don't want to piss him off and I don't want to lose an ally.
I thought about:
- Telling him in private that I don't understand why he makes fun of me
- Use humor in public to counter him next time he does one of these "jokes"
What do you think?
Telling him in private that I don't understand why he makes fun of me
This one doesn't seem the best option to stick with, since you actually do understand why: it's a one-up for (scraps of) social status and power.
However, it can be used to open the discussion, as a way of putting on him the defensive, letting him explain, and then counteracting with your request not to do it anymore.
Use humor in public to counter him next time he does one of these "jokes"
Yeah, it's a very valid option, it's basically one-upping back, which communicates "I can play the game as much as you can, and I'm not going to be your passive social peg for your climbing".
One-upper: I had forgotten he had this face
One-upper back: (smiles) Yeah, sometimes I wish I could forget his (smiles again, then makes nothing of it, either pats him on his back, or moves on to work-stuff, or talks to someone else)
Quite strong, and not even funny to be honest.
If you can be funny, much better, +10 points, but the minimum objective is just to send the message that "I'm the kind of guy who doesn't let you use me for his social climbing".
but sometimes if you can't think
"I'm the kind of guy who doesn't let you use me for his social climbing".
I was missing this mindset. It goes right in my “mindset” file.
Thank you very much for helping me increase my social intelligence. I’m getting the benefits of it!
Interesting follow-up on this situation.
A patient's father nicknamed me "Speedy" but it was more derogatory because I'm fast. And he told the supervisor above who's his son's long term doctor. So the supervisor said it to me in front of the nurses (of course) in a mocking tone but also like "isn't it funny?" as I'm supposed to laugh along with him. He also framed it as "it's the father who calls you like that". I heard one (game player of course) nurse laugh along with him. This time I did not laugh.
This is an example of what happens when you don't put boundaries with abusive behavior (notice I did not say individuals). It goes on. What are the consequences of his actions on our relationships?
- I lost tons of respect for him as this is not respectful behavior towards a younger colleague
- I am now taking some distance with him
- I'm ready for his next "joke" and will not let it slide this time. I will use humor, shaming and collaborative frames.
- I am not laughing along anymore with him when he makes fun of others colleagues.
In the first place I thought: this guy is smart and kind, he will feel less threatened if I laugh along with him. After some time he will stop. However, I'm afraid he's smart kind AND insecure in this situation. Because of course in 1-on-1 he's not like that. I don't care if he's aware or not of he's behavior. I'm making it stop now.
I care less about my supervisors' opinion of me since I'm now opening my mind to other options in other hospitals. So I'm not falling prey to the big fish/small pond syndrome as my colleagues do. My self-respect is number 1. I can also see the progress I made in how I project myself and my confidence as a very small number of individuals challenge me now. Georges Saint-Pierre was right: bullying has a lot to do with how you carry yourself.
So it's the usual shtick:
- Find out who the game players are.
- Find out their domination atttempts patterns (power moves)
- Neutralize them while increasing the collaboration
- Win
Cheers!
Yeah, doesn't sound like that was one of his best moments.
This is also interesting:
I heard one (game player of course) nurse laugh along with him.
Who laughs (and how loudly/happily) and doesn't laugh at one-upping jokes and power moves tells you a lot about who's on your side, and who's not (plus their general quality, of course, since high-quality people don't generally laugh at one-upping / mild abuse, no matter who's the target).
I agree. That's what I'm currently removing from my social behaviours. Everyone likes a good laugh but in these cases it's to the expense of someone else. So it's a laugh, but a bitter one. And the second effect is: you're the next target anyway. Third effect: you're encouraging the behaviour by rewarding it. So it's a net negative effect to laugh at these jokes. Even if they come from a higher-up.
Yeah, a good middle of the road if it's a higher up to crack the joke at someone's expenses is to arch your lips up, but without opening the mouth, and without loud laughing.
That way, you preserve the rapport, but without providing real support.
As if to say "I'm being polite and not breaking rapport, but it's not like I appreciate that attiude".
There is an example in "how to throw someone under the bus" (the blond woman does it to Trump).
Thanks, this is useful! I'm going to use it.
