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How to exit cold approaches that don’t go forward
Hi Lucio,
I really liked your way of exiting cold approaches that do not go forward with
I’m heartbroken
It subcommunicates all the right things:
- really liked her and valued her
- taking things in stride
- still being able to joke on it.
It maximizes the chances that she’ll see one positively if things change in the future and one meets her again!
PS EDIT : posted here as this is a reflection on SU content, no privacy need on my side . If wrong place I’ll post in the open part of the forum in future similar cases
Yeah, agree with you (as one could imagine sense since I often used it and even advice it :D).
What you mention is 100% correct.
And another big plus is that it doesn't just protect your reputation, but potentially enhances it.
For example, if you exit on a low, you leave with a bad impression and a bad taste in that woman's mind.
Now imagine she was someone who knows someone you knew, or part of a future company you join, or it was a friend of a friend but you didn't know that. What will she say about you in your common social circle, workplace, or to otherp otential women you're interested?
That you tried your hand, failed, and that you seemed like an asshole.
Instead, you leave with an indirect compliment to her, make her feel good, and if she ends up in your life somehow, you now have positive social capital, and potentially someone who spreads good things about you.
Of course, this is not as impactful in huge cities where the odds of meeting again or having common contacts are lower -but still not zero-.
But it's huge to effectively using cold approaches in smaller centers.
Plus, you may also meet the same women again.
It happened to me that a woman approached me again after I had approached her and didn't go anywhere -just because I had left with a positive vibe-.
And at least once it was in a huge city as a traveler.
So...
And also, at a higher level:
You become a guy who spreads good vibe, instead of the guy who just "takes his shot" or even bothers women.
That's pretty cool.
And also makes you feel better about yourself, which in turn makes your future approaches easier since your identity shifts towards being a giver, even when it doesn't work perfectly.
Thank you,
your posts are very very helpful.
I now realize many mistakes I used to make at the time, from exiting by saying nothing, to just saying "ok bye", to (worst of all) saying "I'll leave you alone", which instead subcommunicates wanting something.
EDIT: I suppose it could be used even in text.
Exchanged contacts, texted, she has a boyfriend.
I'm heartbroken :S
Yeah, "I'll leave you alone" adds the frame that you were impinging.
Very dominant in a way in the sense that you decide to leave her alone, but it's also the power/dominance that is closer to "toxic" and value-taking dominance -and chances are it will leave a bad vibe-.
In some cases, it may be OK when she was particularly rude -or even to leaving while commenting on the rudeness-.
But very rude is rare and, generally speaking, when you never even started a convo or she never gave you an in, I'd rather end with a flat "alright, I wish you a great day. Bye".
Similar effect to the original exit, but for more neutral interactions: you give more value than you take, leave a better impression, and overall act superior and like a giver.
Quote from Bel on May 6, 2023, 11:38 amThank you,
your posts are very very helpful.
I now realize many mistakes I used to make at the time, from exiting by saying nothing, to just saying "ok bye", to (worst of all) saying "I'll leave you alone", which instead subcommunicates wanting something.
EDIT: I suppose it could be used even in text.
Exchanged contacts, texted, she has a boyfriend.
I'm heartbroken :S
Yeah, I'd do it without the "I'm" and without the ":S".
They add too much seriousness and "reality" to it.
The frame is that you're saying it, but also joking, and don't really mean it all that seriously.
Ie.:
"You sparked my initial interest, it didn't go well, BUT I still wish you well and there are many fishes in the sea and I'm gonna go ahead knowing that a lucky one will find me" type of mindset.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 6, 2023, 11:51 amYeah, "I'll leave you alone" adds the frame that you were impinging.
Very dominant in a way in the sense that you decide to leave her alone, but it's also the power/dominance that is closer to "toxic" and value-taking dominance -and chances are it will leave a bad vibe-.
In some cases, it may be OK when she was particularly rude -or even to leaving while commenting on the rudeness-.
But very rude is rare and, generally speaking, when you never even started a convo or she never gave you an in, I'd rather end with a flat "alright, I wish you a great day. Bye".
Similar effect to the original exit, but for more neutral interactions: you give more value than you take, leave a better impression, and overall act superior and like a giver.
Thank you, this is very interesting.
I remember that as I got better at approaching, approaches started to be more polarizing.
I remember in particular one woman who was walking on the street in very revealing clothing.
I said "hey, you are really beautiful", and her reaction was
You've got to get the fuck away from me!
I wondered if that was some sort of test and whether I should have persisted, but I just got away.
Now I would maybe answer something like that with something like
You're really kind!
Happy to read if I'm still missing something here.
The answer "you're really kind" in those cases is great.
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Of course, we're talking about exiting here, otherwise the bigger issue there is the initial approach (and I think you know why, also discussed in the cold approach power dynamics).
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I suppose that the more she is focused on her physical appearance the more one should use an indirect opener - commonality, comment on surroundings, etc.
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