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How to expose a value-taker?

Hello guys,

so as you know I made quite some progress regarding nasty social climber A, let's recap:

  1. I know he's character-disturbed: key point
  2. I avoid him as much as possible but "keep him closer"
  3. I know that the two friends know about his lying and nasty behaviour with previous GF
  4. I now have an ally with another friend (F.)'s GF who excluded him from their house while she's there.

However:

In the group, there is one guy who's getting close to him. He knows about him lying but somehow he's of use to him and he likes him. The two other friends are a bit naive and they haven't seen the extent of the nastiness, lying and selfishness from nasty social climber A. And the last one is also not aware of that.

My plan is that

  1. Every time he's lying (I'll post some examples), I will expose him by exposing his lies.
  2. I will soon create another WhatsApp group without him. I will invite friends for a meal at home with this WhatsApp group and then use this group as the main group to organize events at my place. I know people might think I'm machiavellian by doing that, but I don't have any other choice.
  3. Lucio talked about asking questions about him to other people. But so far they've not seen his nasty side so I don't think it's the right timing for that.

I'm afraid that as long as people have not been impacted by nasty social climber A. they will not see him for what he is. That is why I will have to act behind the shadows. I would rather do it openly but this is not welcomed.

There is his birthday soon and I will be the one to buy him a gift (I accepted the task because I have more time). This also gave me the option to downgrade the gift from a game to a bottle of wine. I will let the other ones give it to him. Because if I do give it to him, then it will be real hypocritical.

How do you think is the best way to expose a value-taker?

Cheers!

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend
Quote from John Freeman on March 25, 2021, 8:41 pm

Hello guys,

so as you know I made quite some progress regarding nasty social climber A, let's recap:

  1. I know he's character-disturbed: key point
  2. I avoid him as much as possible but "keep him closer"
  3. I know that the two friends know about his lying and nasty behaviour with previous GF
  4. I now have an ally with another friend (F.)'s GF who excluded him from their house while she's there.

However:

In the group, there is one guy who's getting close to him. He knows about him lying but somehow he's of use to him and he likes him. The two other friends are a bit naive and they haven't seen the extent of the nastiness, lying and selfishness from nasty social climber A. And the last one is also not aware of that.

My plan is that

  1. Every time he's lying (I'll post some examples), I will expose him by exposing his lies.
  2. I will soon create another WhatsApp group without him. I will invite friends for a meal at home with this WhatsApp group and then use this group as the main group to organize events at my place. I know people might think I'm machiavellian by doing that, but I don't have any other choice.
  3. Lucio talked about asking questions about him to other people. But so far they've not seen his nasty side so I don't think it's the right timing for that.

I'm afraid that as long as people have not been impacted by nasty social climber A. they will not see him for what he is. That is why I will have to act behind the shadows. I would rather do it openly but this is not welcomed.

There is his birthday soon and I will be the one to buy him a gift (I accepted the task because I have more time). This also gave me the option to downgrade the gift from a game to a bottle of wine. I will let the other ones give it to him. Because if I do give it to him, then it will be real hypocritical.

How do you think is the best way to expose a value-taker?

Cheers!

Just out of curiosity, may I ask why are you trying to undermine a poor value-taker, rather than simply ignoring him, and spending your valuable time in making new valuable friends?

Is he your colleague or a core in your social circle?

Why are you saying he’s a poor value-taker? It feels like you’re making him as a victim.

Also why are you saying that I’m trying to undermine him? I don’t understand.

Just guessing here, and selffoe can clarify for himself, but I think that by "poor value-taker" he means something like "a worthless value taker", and that unless he has a major influence in your life, he shouldn't be worth of your time and attention.

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

 

Quote from John Freeman on March 26, 2021, 3:04 am

Why are you saying he’s a poor value-taker? It feels like you’re making him as a victim.

Also why are you saying that I’m trying to undermine him? I don’t understand.

Sincerely sorry, Freeman. My word usage is inappropriate. By using "poor" I meant low in value or worthless (as Lucio guessed). I completely understand that you are only trying defend yourself against him rather than undermine him.

I was just wondering if you have the option to completely ignore him, or if he can impact you. From my personal experience, most people who are "nasty, lying, value-taking, and selfish" are also poor (worthless) losers in real life.

Of course, there are also many exceptions. So I was wondering if he harmed you either financially, professionally, or emotionally.

Please accept my apology. The question can be removed or edited if you felt offended.


PS: I just read your full story. From my understanding, you are the leader of a group and there is a value-taker in your group. He is indeed a loser in his life with low self-esteem and EI. You want to exclude him without making other members feels bad. Well, this is indeed a challenging situation.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hey selffoe,

I was not offended. I was not really sure what you meant: some people can be aggressive on the internet for no reason. No need to delete anything.

Thanks for reading the story. It is indeed challenging.

That is why I posted this thread. Yes, I'm fed up with having to talk and think about this guy! However, he's part of the group and people keep inviting him and want even to offer him gift for his birthday! As Lucio said, the "clueless" people or naive don't know these people's psychology and if they do, they feel that they themselves would be bad if they exclude him. And I don't want to be framed as the "bad guy" as well, which is the risk here. So I have to be patient, which I'm not much yet. Because I know the problem now and I want to solve it. And also, the longer he's part of the group, the harder it will be to do things without him.

Other people see his good side, which is good. But for me at my level of self-development, I don't want to have this kind of people in my social circle. I even avoid these kind of people in my family.

Also I'm the leader-ish. It's a transition phase where I have to create a core group of cool and benevolent people. Let's say I have significant influence over several people in the group.

Welcome to the forum! Have you introduced yourself yet?

Cheers!

Hello guys,

so it was a good advice to care less about this guy. I did offer him 2 good bottles of wine because my friends proposed that we offer him a gift from the three of us. That is because I did not want to offer him a board game, which would have empowered him and I don't empower takers. Also, I give him less attention. So I do agree with selfriend and Lucio that I was giving him too much attention. That's a mistake I've been doing many times with these individuals: giving them too much importance. In the end, they're just phony people. And deserve no more attention than phony people do.

Cheers!

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Lucio Buffalmanoselffriend