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How to handle and reframe parents' judge role?

#1 · November 19, 2022, 7:42 am

Quote from dsnw2022 on November 19, 2022, 7:42 am
My parents are coming from oversees to stay with me and my husband to help us out with the upcoming arrival of our first baby for the next few months. So far it's been smooth since they have been very understanding, helpful, and respectful of our way of living. Then a situation arises...
My husband has been having a pretty stressful couple of weeks at work while managing to cook for all of us and taking my parents out for shopping trips here and there. He also organized a getaway 3-day trip for all of us last weekend so that my parents can get some nice vacation time before the baby arrives. So tonight he decides to go hang out with his group of close friends, which I think is so well-deserved. As he left the house, my parents kept asking me: "Does he often go hang out with his friends and leave you at home alone like this?" "Your dad only goes hang out with his friends during the day, not at night like this", etc..
I know they are asking these questions out of concern and love for me especially as I am pregnant and close to delivering my baby. But the questions frustrated me nonetheless because (1) the questions assume that I am in a vulnerable/weaker social position being left behind without any agency (2) the questions assume that my husband is a careless person for 'leaving' me at home.
I responded with: (1) we each have our own group of friends so I don't feel the need to join him and his friends, (2) my husband needs to blow off some steam with his guys after a few stressful weeks at work, (3) my dad goes hang out with his multiple groups of friends a lot 'leaving' my mom at home so it's ironic that they both question this same situation between my husband and me...
I feel like I over-justified my position with my response and could have handled this in a better and graceful way... I am wondering....
What would you say to them/my parents if you were in my situation to avoid sounding overly defensive and still establishing a firm stance on the situation?
What's even more frustrating is that their lines of questions start to get to me somehow and make me feel like my husband shouldn't go hang out with his friends so late at night. Maybe it's because in my mind, my parents still assume a judge role somehow and any slight hint of their disapproval weakens my self-esteem. Do you think that's the case? and how would you go about working on it?

My parents are coming from oversees to stay with me and my husband to help us out with the upcoming arrival of our first baby for the next few months. So far it's been smooth since they have been very understanding, helpful, and respectful of our way of living. Then a situation arises...

My husband has been having a pretty stressful couple of weeks at work while managing to cook for all of us and taking my parents out for shopping trips here and there. He also organized a getaway 3-day trip for all of us last weekend so that my parents can get some nice vacation time before the baby arrives. So tonight he decides to go hang out with his group of close friends, which I think is so well-deserved. As he left the house, my parents kept asking me: "Does he often go hang out with his friends and leave you at home alone like this?" "Your dad only goes hang out with his friends during the day, not at night like this", etc..

I know they are asking these questions out of concern and love for me especially as I am pregnant and close to delivering my baby. But the questions frustrated me nonetheless because (1) the questions assume that I am in a vulnerable/weaker social position being left behind without any agency (2) the questions assume that my husband is a careless person for 'leaving' me at home.

I responded with: (1) we each have our own group of friends so I don't feel the need to join him and his friends, (2) my husband needs to blow off some steam with his guys after a few stressful weeks at work, (3) my dad goes hang out with his multiple groups of friends a lot 'leaving' my mom at home so it's ironic that they both question this same situation between my husband and me...

I feel like I over-justified my position with my response and could have handled this in a better and graceful way... I am wondering....

What would you say to them/my parents if you were in my situation to avoid sounding overly defensive and still establishing a firm stance on the situation?
What's even more frustrating is that their lines of questions start to get to me somehow and make me feel like my husband shouldn't go hang out with his friends so late at night. Maybe it's because in my mind, my parents still assume a judge role somehow and any slight hint of their disapproval weakens my self-esteem. Do you think that's the case? and how would you go about working on it?

Lucio Buffalmano, Kavalier and Mats G have reacted to this post.

#2 · November 19, 2022, 10:50 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 19, 2022, 10:50 am
I think you did OK.
And good call on going to the roots of the problem there: the judge frame, the (covert) negative judgment, and you feeling (rightfully) annoyed by that.
What I'd change is the dynamic of answering VS asking back.
When you're answering you're always in "explainer" position.
When you ask back, you can better control the frame and the flow -and avoid feeling under their scrutiny like you felt-.
For example, a good approach could be to:
Surfaced their true question: "what do you mean "leaving me along like this"", "and you think that when he goes out I'm "left alone?"".
The covert frame here is that it's a clash of culture where you're modern and emancipated, and they're not
Draw parallels between your husband and yourself/your father: "yeah, he's going to meet his friends, I also sometimes go meet my friends" "my dad also does it, right". This "normalizes" the behavior
Call into question the difference between you and your mom: "and do you feel left alone when my dad meets his friends?"
Call into question the difference between day and evening: "and is there such a big difference between day and evening"? This removes their judge power since if they're doing the same, they cannot negatively judge you
Call into question whether a woman "needs" a husband always around: "and is there any issue for a woman to be her own company and do what she likes doing?"
Call into question whether NOT having friends is instead "strange": "having friends is important, it's been psychologically studied as well. Come to think of it, it seems like you, mom, are the only one who doesn't meet any friends. I'm thinking it may be good for you to make some".
Turning the tables on who judges whom
The difference is when you answer, no matter how good your answer, they're still in the judge position and it's difficult to both not sound defensive, and to not be irritated.
When you start asking, it's them who expend more effort, "work" to provide you with answers, and have to justify their (covert) beliefs and mindsets.
And now it feels like a) they may be backward in their thinking and b) the "strange" one may be the one who doesn't meet her friends.

I think you did OK.

And good call on going to the roots of the problem there: the judge frame, the (covert) negative judgment, and you feeling (rightfully) annoyed by that.

What I'd change is the dynamic of answering VS asking back.

When you're answering you're always in "explainer" position.
When you ask back, you can better control the frame and the flow -and avoid feeling under their scrutiny like you felt-.

For example, a good approach could be to:

Surfaced their true question: "what do you mean "leaving me along like this"", "and you think that when he goes out I'm "left alone?"".
The covert frame here is that it's a clash of culture where you're modern and emancipated, and they're not
Draw parallels between your husband and yourself/your father: "yeah, he's going to meet his friends, I also sometimes go meet my friends" "my dad also does it, right". This "normalizes" the behavior
Call into question the difference between you and your mom: "and do you feel left alone when my dad meets his friends?"
Call into question the difference between day and evening: "and is there such a big difference between day and evening"? This removes their judge power since if they're doing the same, they cannot negatively judge you
Call into question whether a woman "needs" a husband always around: "and is there any issue for a woman to be her own company and do what she likes doing?"
Call into question whether NOT having friends is instead "strange": "having friends is important, it's been psychologically studied as well. Come to think of it, it seems like you, mom, are the only one who doesn't meet any friends. I'm thinking it may be good for you to make some".
Turning the tables on who judges whom

The difference is when you answer, no matter how good your answer, they're still in the judge position and it's difficult to both not sound defensive, and to not be irritated.

When you start asking, it's them who expend more effort, "work" to provide you with answers, and have to justify their (covert) beliefs and mindsets.

And now it feels like a) they may be backward in their thinking and b) the "strange" one may be the one who doesn't meet her friends.

Transitioned, Kavalier and 4 other users have reacted to this post.

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#3 · November 19, 2022, 12:48 pm

Lucio's approach is much better because its a recipe you can get good at.

A one liner I've heard before: 'Love grows in the spaces between you' Like I said Lucio's is better because who can remember all those comebacks!

#4 · November 19, 2022, 5:44 pm

Hi dsnw2022,

I find these kind of questions already have assumed something, it's more of a statement dressed up as a question, a leading question designed to make you give a specific answer, challenging the assumption or re-framing the question, like Lucio suggested may be the best way to address it, you could even not answer the question and just comment saying "Seems to me that you are looking for a particular answer from me which is acceptable to you" indirectly saying you see their game and call them out on it.