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how to incorporate 'care less what others think of me' into the antifragile ego?

dsnw2022@dsnw2022

20 Posts

Empowered Member

#1 · March 16, 2022, 6:24 pm

I have a very unhealthy tendency to care a lot about what others think of me, especially if these are my peers. I am working through the content in Power University and reading up on the Ultimate Power as well. I know a core theme is to develop a healthy mindset, including an antifragile ego. Some of the points I have jotted down to build up my antifragile ego centers around my quest for learning and pushing through challenges. I wonder how I can incorporate 'care less what others think of me' into this list?

An example of how I obsess over what others think of me - it sounds crazy and irrational as I write this out, but the feelings are real as they can get 🙁

We have recently moved into our new place with a lot more spaces and updated appliances. Despite that, as we made our walk around the neighborhood today, I caught myself thinking what other friends would say when they come visit us. Most of them live in more urban and nicer neighborhoods than we do, so to them this neighborhood probably doesn’t feel as nice or ‘gentrified’ enough. I feel like I need to come up with a response to justify why we choose to live and enjoy living here knowing all that. Internally, I know this house is the right decision for us - it gives us enough space, it fits within our budget, it’s within walking distance of a more urban area without actually being there. But externally, I still somehow sense how others would feel that the immediate neighborhood we live in is not that nice and I feel the need to justify to them. I know it’s not a healthy mindset. . Is there anything I can work on to change this tendency of seeking external validation? I know building up an antifragile ego would help here.

Anon and Mats G have reacted to this post.

Mats G@mats-g

72 Posts

Empowered Member

#2 · March 16, 2022, 7:51 pm

Quote from Mats G on March 16, 2022, 7:51 pm
Hi dsnw,

I'm actually working on the exact same thing, and although I still have quite a bit to go, there are a few techniques/mindsets that have helped me so far:

Getting Clear on My Purpose

When I say purpose, I don't mean it in a spiritual or religious sense, I simply mean what I want to achieve with my life. At the moment, my purpose is to provide value to other people. With that in mind, I realized that if I constantly prioritize the opinions other people have of me over my own goals, I will never grow into the type of high-quality person that can provide value to others. If I instead focus completely on my goals and my growth, I will be able to provide more value to these people in the long term.

I don't think this is specific to wanting to help others either. I think that if you think deeply about what you want to accomplish and start judging your beliefs/actions in light of how they align with your goal, you will find it easier to let go of the things holding you back.

(Unfinished) System for Changing Limiting Beliefs

I used this system in an attempt to stop prioritizing the opinions other people have of me over my own. It helped a bit but I still struggle with internalizing the new belief. Also, I feel like this system affected me on a conscious level, but subconsciously I still worry about what other's think of me. It is still an improvement but there's more work to be done...

Step one: Identify your limiting belief.

Step two: Understand why it exists.

When did you start to believe this?

How has it helped you?

Step three: Think about how it holds you back.

Take it to the extreme.

What is the worst case scenario if you follow this belief?

Try to think of moments in the past where the belief held you back.

Perhaps you did not take an opportunity because you were too scared.

Step four: Think about the benefits of getting rid of the belief.

Take it to the extreme.

Visualize/write out the best case scenario if you get rid of the belief.

Think of the goals you haven’t tried to achieve because of the belief.

See yourself taking action to pursue your goals.

Step five: Accept that the belief has been a part of you.

Acknowledge the part of you that led to this belief being instilled.

Thank this part of yourself for looking out for you.

Let that part of yourself know that you appreciate it, but that you no longer need that belief.

Step six: Come up with a new belief to replace it with.

Also, I don't think it's a bad thing to care what others think of you; the problem is when their opinion of you is more important to you than your own.

I hope any of this helps! And I'd love to hear about your progress or any other strategies you might use 🙂

Hi dsnw,

I'm actually working on the exact same thing, and although I still have quite a bit to go, there are a few techniques/mindsets that have helped me so far:

Getting Clear on My Purpose

When I say purpose, I don't mean it in a spiritual or religious sense, I simply mean what I want to achieve with my life. At the moment, my purpose is to provide value to other people. With that in mind, I realized that if I constantly prioritize the opinions other people have of me over my own goals, I will never grow into the type of high-quality person that can provide value to others. If I instead focus completely on my goals and my growth, I will be able to provide more value to these people in the long term.

I don't think this is specific to wanting to help others either. I think that if you think deeply about what you want to accomplish and start judging your beliefs/actions in light of how they align with your goal, you will find it easier to let go of the things holding you back.

(Unfinished) System for Changing Limiting Beliefs

I used this system in an attempt to stop prioritizing the opinions other people have of me over my own. It helped a bit but I still struggle with internalizing the new belief. Also, I feel like this system affected me on a conscious level, but subconsciously I still worry about what other's think of me. It is still an improvement but there's more work to be done...

Step one: Identify your limiting belief.

Step two: Understand why it exists.

1. 1. When did you start to believe this?
  2. How has it helped you?

Step three: Think about how it holds you back.

1. 1. Take it to the extreme.
    1. What is the worst case scenario if you follow this belief?
  2. Try to think of moments in the past where the belief held you back.
    1. Perhaps you did not take an opportunity because you were too scared.

Step four: Think about the benefits of getting rid of the belief.

1. 1. Take it to the extreme.
    1. Visualize/write out the best case scenario if you get rid of the belief.
  2. Think of the goals you haven’t tried to achieve because of the belief.
    1. See yourself taking action to pursue your goals.

Step five: Accept that the belief has been a part of you.

1. 1. Acknowledge the part of you that led to this belief being instilled.
    1. Thank this part of yourself for looking out for you.
    2. Let that part of yourself know that you appreciate it, but that you no longer need that belief.

Step six: Come up with a new belief to replace it with.

Also, I don't think it's a bad thing to care what others think of you; the problem is when their opinion of you is more important to you than your own.

I hope any of this helps! And I'd love to hear about your progress or any other strategies you might use 🙂

Lucio Buffalmano, Anon and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,647 Posts

#3 · March 17, 2022, 8:00 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on March 17, 2022, 8:00 am
I think that there is quite some confusion in the self-help industry on this topic.

Caring VS not caring: it's a balancing act

The mantra often is "don't care what people think".

But it should better be rephrased into "care, not to the point that it impairs your life, happiness, and decisions, but do care, and do manage reputation".

Reputation is in large part "what others think of us", and being aware of it and taking care of it is important.

I think a good balance is:

Awareness: Be aware of what others think of you

Care...: Care what they think of you and strive for a good reputation...

... Without over-caring: Not to the point where you lose sleep over what others think, where you don't do what's best for you, or where you take important decisions based on what others think ("proximity rule" of thumb: the farther away from you, the less you can care)

Manage what others think of you. Probably the most important part, and can actually be done without caring. This is how the most Machiavellian / high-functioning psychopaths operate

Whether you are over-caring or not, you probably know better.

Status: why caring what your group think is normal (and potentially "fine")

In this case, I don't think that "not caring at all" would be an appropriate response.

And I don't see caring about it as a case of over-caring -unless you know you're caring too much, in which case you're probably right-.

You're talking about your social group, not strangers.
And we're all wired to care what our social group thinks of us because that's basically status -and it's been a fundamental piece of humans' evolutionary success, so it only means that you're adjusted, functioning human being for caring-.

And it's also normal to want more status and to not want to lose it.

Since moving to the less cool neighborhood might impact status within certain social groups, then it's normal and fair to care about it.

How to address it

Personally, I'd even address it with them.

It's especially good to address it if it's a very status-conscious group.

But even if they don't care too much, it's good to explain a decision that from the outside might seem not optimal because it's a way of managing your reputation as someone who makes smart decisions based on rational choices and/or personal preferences.

You may talk about it when they come over, for example.

Or when you talk about your move. Since location is always an important piece of the "move" discussion, you can say:

Yeah, we were thinking about neighborhood X (the "good" neighborhood, the sub-communication being "I konw what's good and we like it too, and we could have gone there), but we chose Y because of Z reasons. And now we love it there

And you're done.

You can even honestly say that you're saving money, or getting more bang for the buck with the larger space you liked.

I think that there is quite some confusion in the self-help industry on this topic.

Caring VS not caring: it's a balancing act

The mantra often is "don't care what people think".

But it should better be rephrased into "care, not to the point that it impairs your life, happiness, and decisions, but do care, and do manage reputation".

Reputation is in large part "what others think of us", and being aware of it and taking care of it is important.

I think a good balance is:

Awareness: Be aware of what others think of you
Care...: Care what they think of you and strive for a good reputation...
... Without over-caring: Not to the point where you lose sleep over what others think, where you don't do what's best for you, or where you take important decisions based on what others think ("proximity rule" of thumb: the farther away from you, the less you can care)
Manage what others think of you. Probably the most important part, and can actually be done without caring. This is how the most Machiavellian / high-functioning psychopaths operate

Whether you are over-caring or not, you probably know better.

Status: why caring what your group think is normal (and potentially "fine")

In this case, I don't think that "not caring at all" would be an appropriate response.

And I don't see caring about it as a case of over-caring -unless you know you're caring too much, in which case you're probably right-.

You're talking about your social group, not strangers.
And we're all wired to care what our social group thinks of us because that's basically status -and it's been a fundamental piece of humans' evolutionary success, so it only means that you're adjusted, functioning human being for caring-.

And it's also normal to want more status and to not want to lose it.

Since moving to the less cool neighborhood might impact status within certain social groups, then it's normal and fair to care about it.

How to address it

Personally, I'd even address it with them.

It's especially good to address it if it's a very status-conscious group.

But even if they don't care too much, it's good to explain a decision that from the outside might seem not optimal because it's a way of managing your reputation as someone who makes smart decisions based on rational choices and/or personal preferences.

You may talk about it when they come over, for example.

Or when you talk about your move. Since location is always an important piece of the "move" discussion, you can say:

Yeah, we were thinking about neighborhood X (the "good" neighborhood, the sub-communication being "I konw what's good and we like it too, and we could have gone there), but we chose Y because of Z reasons. And now we love it there

And you're done.

You can even honestly say that you're saving money, or getting more bang for the buck with the larger space you liked.

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Anon@anonymous_user

142 Posts

Empowered Member

#4 · March 17, 2022, 11:35 am

Hi there,

Explanation vs. Justification

The problem I see is not to explain your decisions with their pros and cons to people you care about (who also care about you), -that's one way to share your mental view of things which brings us closer to others after all-, but your (apparent) dependence on their approval for these decisions of yours.

The important question in my view is:

Lets say there is a huge conflict of judgement with one particular topic between you and them.
Who has the right to decide your lifes' matters? You or them? Are you owing others justifications for decisions in your life?

The difference in the answer to this question can be explanation vs. justification.
On the outside, someone explaining and someone justifying might use the same words, however the difference in mindset is huge.

The other side of the coin

Another thing to consider in the context of the antifragile Ego is the other side of this very dynamic:

If you get complimented by others and you now feel good and derive your sense of self from that - well that establishes this dynamic of dependenance on their approval.
It's very, very hard to resist, because it makes us feel good instanteniously.
However its obviously unstable and it comes with the drawback of feeling bad when others don't judge us to be good. So I see it as a trap (feel free to disagree, but ultimately it takes away our independance).

So to fundamentally solve your original problem, I think it's unavoidable to become distant from the judgements of others of you in general, and that includes both types of judgements - good and bad ones, as they are the very same thing - someone else telling you how to feel about yourself. At least that's what the fragile Ego tends to make out of it.

You can do well without going as far, but it seems to be the most stable solution.

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dsnw2022@dsnw2022

20 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#5 · March 20, 2022, 2:32 pm

Thank you all - I really appreciate your thoughtful response on this matter!

@mats-g : thank you for sharing the framework. I agree with you that getting yourself to get rid of the old belief and buy in the new belief subconsciously is hard even though it makes all the logical sense 🙂 Maybe it'll come with the antifragile ego.

@lucio: I like your balanced approach - completely agree that there is that element of managing your reputation and status in your social group. My issue is in number 3 - I over -care to the point that it can bring my mood down for several days and number 4- I don't think I am effective in managing what others think of me. I often find myself over-explain things to the point where I look like I am seeking for their approval, which weakens my relative power in the relationship. I think it's both a mindset and tactic thing that I need to work on - what do you think?

@Anon: yes! I think I am more in the camp of justifying myself to others in the hope of gaining their approval. It seems like you are suggesting that having built an antifragile ego successfully will help me to become more detached from others' judgement and lean towards the explanation rather than justification camp right?

Lucio Buffalmano, Anon and Mats G have reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,647 Posts

#6 · March 20, 2022, 10:30 pm

Quote from dsnw2022 on March 20, 2022, 2:32 pm

@lucio: I like your balanced approach - completely agree that there is that element of managing your reputation and status in your social group. My issue is in number 3 - I over -care to the point that it can bring my mood down for several days and number 4- I don't think I am effective in managing what others think of me. I often find myself over-explain things to the point where I look like I am seeking for their approval, which weakens my relative power in the relationship. I think it's both a mindset and tactic thing that I need to work on - what do you think?

I think you're showing a very good level of self-awareness together with a great -and effective- approach to solutions as well.

Mindset and tactic, perfect.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Anon@anonymous_user

142 Posts

Empowered Member

#7 · March 23, 2022, 2:58 pm

Quote from dsnw2022 on March 20, 2022, 2:32 pm

@Anon: yes! I think I am more in the camp of justifying myself to others in the hope of gaining their approval. It seems like you are suggesting that having built an antifragile ego successfully will help me to become more detached from others' judgement and lean towards the explanation rather than justification camp right?

Yes, exactly - I think the fragility of the ego is to a large degree because of the instability of external sources for validation, and being aware of these dynamics and looking at yourself honestly while ideally trying to find validation in yourself will improve these types of situations a lot, because it removes dependencies about things you have little control over.