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How to know when a social attack is coming

#1 · September 20, 2023, 6:38 am

Quote from John Freeman on September 20, 2023, 6:38 am
Hello TPM community,
in an average group, especially composed of men, there is a fair share of social climbing and one-upping.
I noticed that often when an attack is coming the person launching the attack will put the spotlight on you and recruit the group.
They do it like this:
Attacker: John, he [social attack disguised as a joke]
Group: hahaha
Defense
The most important thing I believe is to be ready for the attack. That means that if we know the person is likely to launch an attack to have our shields up just because this person is present. The other way is to be ready to defend once the preamble has been launched (« John, he always… »).
I think in these cases there are 3 ways to defend:
Using humour back: I think this is the most effective but not the easiest. You beat him within his frame.
Surfacing: « what do you mean? »
Stock answer: « you’re funny/we have a joker here »
The group will always side with the stronger party. I think this is a case of a power showdown. No matter the value you brought the group or your quality it’s about power. This one we cannot beat them with virtue. It’s about technique. They basically social climb on you.
So what’s at stake is our status within the group. That means our influence over group members/the group.
It’s not only about us. This is also about the group’s norms. If we let the other person win it means that we allow turkey behaviour/social climbing. So it’s also about (moral) leadership.
I think it’s also important to distinguish if it’s a real social attack. There’s a difference between:
Making fun: they will make fun of who you are, something you cannot change (age, sex) or something they know you are insecure about or ridicule you for something you did. Not ok.
Teasing: they will make fun of a quirk of yours or a flaw you’re comfortable with or something that really has no bearing/no real importance (ex: you drop something on the ground, you stutter on a word, etc.). This is ok and something we can laugh along.
I’m curious to know what you guys think about this.

Hello TPM community,

in an average group, especially composed of men, there is a fair share of social climbing and one-upping.

I noticed that often when an attack is coming the person launching the attack will put the spotlight on you and recruit the group.

They do it like this:

Attacker: John, he [social attack disguised as a joke]
Group: hahaha

Defense

The most important thing I believe is to be ready for the attack. That means that if we know the person is likely to launch an attack to have our shields up just because this person is present. The other way is to be ready to defend once the preamble has been launched (« John, he always… »).

I think in these cases there are 3 ways to defend:

Using humour back: I think this is the most effective but not the easiest. You beat him within his frame.
Surfacing: « what do you mean? »
Stock answer: « you’re funny/we have a joker here »

The group will always side with the stronger party. I think this is a case of a power showdown. No matter the value you brought the group or your quality it’s about power. This one we cannot beat them with virtue. It’s about technique. They basically social climb on you.

So what’s at stake is our status within the group. That means our influence over group members/the group.

It’s not only about us. This is also about the group’s norms. If we let the other person win it means that we allow turkey behaviour/social climbing. So it’s also about (moral) leadership.

I think it’s also important to distinguish if it’s a real social attack. There’s a difference between:

Making fun: they will make fun of who you are, something you cannot change (age, sex) or something they know you are insecure about or ridicule you for something you did. Not ok.
Teasing: they will make fun of a quirk of yours or a flaw you’re comfortable with or something that really has no bearing/no real importance (ex: you drop something on the ground, you stutter on a word, etc.). This is ok and something we can laugh along.

I’m curious to know what you guys think about this.

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