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How to propose exchanging contact information with someone

#1 · October 5, 2023, 5:59 am

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 5, 2023, 5:59 am
Hi everyone,
This thread is to brainstorm potential scripts for exchanging contact details in networking scenarios. (But, I've put it in the Social Life section because one can use networking for achieving a better social life and the applications of proposing exchanging contacts apply to social life scenarios too.)
Note: For reference, see the "Social & Exchange Contacts" section in PU.
When Asking Same-Status People
1. Say you’re exchanging to keep in touch.
Lucio: "It’s more casual, pressure off, and prevents a frame of you wanting something from them (or chasing them)."
Here's a potential script:
You: "Well, I'll let you get back to your day now, how about we keep in touch (moves to get their buy-in)?"
Them: "Yeah, sure."
You: "Cool, what's your phone number/email?"
2. Say you’re exchanging to organize something else in the future
Lucio: "...so that the frame is that of giving value."
A potential script:
You: "I'm putting together a party/event sometime soon/later on in the year, (if you'd like) I'd be happy to let you know about it when we get closer to the date (moves to get their buy-in)."
Them: "Yeah man, sure (I'd love to)."
You: "Cool, what's your number?"
You can ask for a more personal contact detail such as their phone number since it's for the purpose of giving value. And it's a safer bet that they'll be cool with sharing it thanks to the social exchange.
3. Say you’re exchanging to “maybe do something in the future”
Lucio: "...and note the “maybe”, which ensures that you sub-communicate you’re busy and probably also have other friends."
A potential script:
You: "Well, I'll let you get back to your day now, maybe we can do something in the future though, how about we exchange contacts?"
4. Just say “let’s exchange contact”
Lucio: "...without adding anything else. This may be my go-to method."
And just for consistency with this post, let's add it here below:
You: "Let's exchange contacts."
5. If it’s a small gathering, exchange contact with everyone, even the people you don’t plan on following up with.
Lucio: "This is both to look more social and to stem off potential risks of sexual interest."
Here's a possible option for asking:
You: "Hey, I'm heading out soon, but I don't think I got your contact (implies you're getting everyone's contact info), is it cool if I get yours too before I go?"
When Asking (Much) Higher-Status People
This is the template that Jona Xiao, an actress who teaches networking in her course, "The Relationship Roadmap," recommends for asking celebrities for their contact information:
You: "NAME, I had a great time talking with you."
Them: "Yeah, I had a great time speaking with you too."
You: "I enjoy building new friendships / making new friends and it seems like we have some things in common. Why don't we exchange contact information and stay in touch so we can continue to be friends?"
It's not a bad script, but that last part feels like the "assume the close" technique where regardless of if they consider you a friend, you consider them a friend and assume they feel the same way. (Then, push that assumption onto them to influence their compliance.)
Plus, it's a missed opportunity for the social exchange.
So, here's how I'd adjust it:
You: "Well, look, I always enjoy making new friends (adding the "always" frames the ask as if it's a natural and normal thing you do often—and NOT an ask you're making because they're high-status) and it seems like we have some things in common (still a potentially good idea to surface that you have commonalities which can remind them of those points of common ground you both discovered in the interaction—and remind them of how good the conversation was). So, if you want to (power-protecting), let's exchange contacts and I'd be happy to keep you in mind for any parties or events I'm throwing in the future (a WIIFT). (But, you're free to say "yes" or "no") (an optional use of the de-emphasize persuasion technique for added power-protecting)."
I'd only add that "you're free to say 'yes' or 'no'" if:
The gap in status is too large: in which case one must be more careful to avoid coming across like a potential taker and ask more tactfully (oftentimes by adding more WIIFTs and/or power-protecting).
You didn't manage to build much rapport/emotional bonding: which can make the ask seem larger, so adding more power-protecting can help smoothen the request.
Happy to read any thoughts/feedback.
P.S.:
Lucio, if you feel this post shares too much and doesn't add enough value, happy to delete it, just let me know.
Edit:
Adjusted some scripts based on Lucios' feedback here.

Hi everyone,

This thread is to brainstorm potential scripts for exchanging contact details in networking scenarios. (But, I've put it in the Social Life section because one can use networking for achieving a better social life and the applications of proposing exchanging contacts apply to social life scenarios too.)

Note: For reference, see the "Social & Exchange Contacts" section in PU.

When Asking Same-Status People

1. Say you’re exchanging to keep in touch.

Lucio: "It’s more casual, pressure off, and prevents a frame of you wanting something from them (or chasing them)."

Here's a potential script:

You: "Well, I'll let you get back to your day now, how about we keep in touch (moves to get their buy-in)?"
Them: "Yeah, sure."
You: "Cool, what's your phone number/email?"

2. Say you’re exchanging to organize something else in the future

Lucio: "...so that the frame is that of giving value."

A potential script:

You: "I'm putting together a party/event sometime soon/later on in the year, (if you'd like) I'd be happy to let you know about it when we get closer to the date (moves to get their buy-in)."
Them: "Yeah man, sure (I'd love to)."
You: "Cool, what's your number?"

You can ask for a more personal contact detail such as their phone number since it's for the purpose of giving value. And it's a safer bet that they'll be cool with sharing it thanks to the social exchange.

3. Say you’re exchanging to “maybe do something in the future”

Lucio: "...and note the “maybe”, which ensures that you sub-communicate you’re busy and probably also have other friends."

A potential script:

You: "Well, I'll let you get back to your day now, maybe we can do something in the future though, how about we exchange contacts?"

4. Just say “let’s exchange contact”

Lucio: "...without adding anything else. This may be my go-to method."

And just for consistency with this post, let's add it here below:

You: "Let's exchange contacts."

5. If it’s a small gathering, exchange contact with everyone, even the people you don’t plan on following up with.

Lucio: "This is both to look more social and to stem off potential risks of sexual interest."

Here's a possible option for asking:

You: "Hey, I'm heading out soon, but I don't think I got your contact (implies you're getting everyone's contact info), is it cool if I get yours too before I go?"

When Asking (Much) Higher-Status People

This is the template that Jona Xiao, an actress who teaches networking in her course, "The Relationship Roadmap," recommends for asking celebrities for their contact information:

You: "NAME, I had a great time talking with you."
Them: "Yeah, I had a great time speaking with you too."
You: "I enjoy building new friendships / making new friends and it seems like we have some things in common. Why don't we exchange contact information and stay in touch so we can continue to be friends?"

It's not a bad script, but that last part feels like the "assume the close" technique where regardless of if they consider you a friend, you consider them a friend and assume they feel the same way. (Then, push that assumption onto them to influence their compliance.)

Plus, it's a missed opportunity for the social exchange.

So, here's how I'd adjust it:

You: "Well, look, I always enjoy making new friends (adding the "always" frames the ask as if it's a natural and normal thing you do often—and NOT an ask you're making because they're high-status) and it seems like we have some things in common (still a potentially good idea to surface that you have commonalities which can remind them of those points of common ground you both discovered in the interaction—and remind them of how good the conversation was). So, if you want to (power-protecting), let's exchange contacts and I'd be happy to keep you in mind for any parties or events I'm throwing in the future (a WIIFT). (But, you're free to say "yes" or "no") (an optional use of the de-emphasize persuasion technique for added power-protecting)."

I'd only add that "you're free to say 'yes' or 'no'" if:

The gap in status is too large: in which case one must be more careful to avoid coming across like a potential taker and ask more tactfully (oftentimes by adding more WIIFTs and/or power-protecting).
You didn't manage to build much rapport/emotional bonding: which can make the ask seem larger, so adding more power-protecting can help smoothen the request.

Happy to read any thoughts/feedback.

P.S.:

Lucio, if you feel this post shares too much and doesn't add enough value, happy to delete it, just let me know.

Edit:

Adjusted some scripts based on Lucios' feedback here.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#2 · October 5, 2023, 7:35 am

Hello Ali,

I think it depends a lot on the context. So I think it’s difficult to write a script for all situations.

I got contacts from higher status people in the context of work were there was a mutual liking and respect. They knew me. And it was either for specific purpose (phone) or stay in touch (email).

So it depends on the context. If you’re at a networking event people go there for this for instance.

I personally don’t believe in the “take a contact just in case”. It’s like with women. You exchange contacts for a purpose. So I think it depends on both the context, the purpose and the person.

Let’s say somebody who I think is lower status than me by a significant amount and I don’t know. I would not give them my personal contact info or I would give them my professional one. And if there is no specific purpose in the context of the contact exchange and they later ask me something out of the blue I may not respond.

So if there is mutual liking and knowing one another I think it matters little how you ask in my experience. Of course you can optimize and it’s better as you did above. So I think context matters a lot.

So I’m quite skeptical that you can get the personal contact of a celebrity just by having the proper script.

#3 · October 5, 2023, 1:32 pm

Hey Ali,

I'd change a few things here and there.

Some of them may come across as chasey/lower value to me.

For example, the "I've enjoyed our conversation" only works if you come across as a cool guy and you're framed as equals.
Otherwise, if he's higher value it doesn't work -"of course he's enjoyed it", he will think, "he's got everything to gain from me"-.

OFF-TOPIC

Saw there was anothe reply from John after, sorry man, that's gone lost with the database restore :S

OFF-TOPIC

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.

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#4 · October 5, 2023, 1:39 pm

Yeah, my message was:

After reading Lucio's answer, I find my message was a bit too critical and maybe not value-adding enough. So my apologies.

Then I procedeed to analyze the messages and propose alternative solutions.

#5 · October 5, 2023, 4:02 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 5, 2023, 1:32 pm
(...)
For example, the "I've enjoyed our conversation" only works if you come across as a cool guy and you're framed as equals.
Otherwise, if he's higher value it doesn't work -"of course he's enjoyed it", he will think, "he's got everything to gain from me"-.
(...)

Thank you, Lucio!

I agree with your point, and that's what I mean by "When Asking Same-Status People." (I'm assuming there that you came across as a cool, equally high-value guy in the interaction.)

However, I think your note is great feedback for the "When Asking (Much) Higher-Status People" section.

In addition to your point, there was one other potential issue I saw with it:

It can feel like fishing for them to reciprocate your positive feelings: saying, "I had a great time talking with you," and then stopping and waiting for them to respond can come across like you're trying to get them to say the same back (which is chasing behavior if it's done poorly). It's similar to someone knowing they went to an Ivy League school and rushing to ask you where you went to college, so when you ask them back, they can name-drop Harvard. It's a poor execution of a good idea.

So, one way to adjust it might be to remove that "I've enjoyed our conversation / had a great time talking with you" part altogether unless there was a significant rapport / emotional bonding built that makes up the difference.

Happy to read more thoughts.

P.S.:

Hi John,

Criticism can be a form of feedback, so it's all good. And I'd actually go so far as to say it's impossible to write scripts for every situation (and an unhealthy waste of time to try).

This is more for those general networking/social life situations.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.