Quote from B on December 30, 2023, 11:17 am

Hi Guys.

This is a realization that we discussed already, but that took some time for me to fully grasp in its entirety.

People who harbor ill intention toward another (for instance, frenemies) usually interpret this other person's behavior as "intentionally against them", even when it is totally unrelated.

Rationale

The reason is a mixture of projection and paranoia.

While the frenemy cannot know the intention behind other people's neutral actions, the frenemy knows that he himself behaved badly in the past toward the other who is taking said action.

This generates paranoia, and slants the frenemy's view of the other person's actions as motivated by "possibly having understood what has been going on and wanting to distance or get revenge".

Examples

A. One former colleague of mine who worked together with me under my former boss, and who had been wreaking havoc covertly against me, asked me if I had a draft of legal brief in a specific niche matter.

I answered that I didn't have anything of the sort.

He then got an angry tone and insisted in asking me:

Him: Are you sure you don't have any?

Me: Yes, I just told you.

Him: Are you REALLY SURE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY?

At the time I didn't understand this, but now I get that he didn't believe me precisely because he had been trying to covertly damage me, and this in turn made him interpret my refusal as possibly motivated by my having understood what he had done.

B. Another example: before-TPM, a cousin invited us to a party at her house for new year's eve.

Bella thanked her, and said we already had other plans. But Bella's cousin got extremely angry on the phone, and started screaming she was tired of "this happening to her", and "this was unacceptable".

Bella then was surprised, and got angry at her in turn, and said that what was unacceptable was this cousin's reaction to simply hearing that we couldn't make it.

Was it a coincidence that I had done complex legal work for the husband of this same cousin, and she had omitted paying my bill for one year (which would later compel me to send her an ultimatum, a story I already recounted on TPM's forum years ago)?

I think not.

C. Another acquaintance of Bella spoke with her, and asked her how I was doing.

Bella said my legal practice was going well.

This person, who was also a lawyer, waited some days, then phoned me.

Throughout the conversation, he tended to get really angry when I said specific things, usually things that could possibly be interpreted as a covert judgment on his character. One example:

Me: I'm telling you this but it is reserved. Please don't say anything about this.

Him: HEY, WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR??????

The reason why he tended to get very angry when I said anything that could be interpreted as a judgment on his character, was that he probably knew that he had bad intentions.

D. People who make a fuss of the fact that someone answers them "too late"

I have encountered people who made a big fuss of the fact that I sometimes answered them after some days.

Usually they tended to say things like:

Them: What's going on? You usually always answer immediately.

This is something a friendly person would not say, IMO.

A friendly person would intepreted the delay as being motivated by the other person's life.

Significance

Anytime someone repeatedly interprets a refusal, or action, that is neutral in scope, as "directed against him", there is the possibility that said person may be harboring ill intention against us, and/or may have been acting maliciously against us.

It may be his paranoia and fear of having been discovered that is speaking.

That's why said person may be continuing to see our neutral behavior as being "bad" and "against him".

This is especially true for "refusals" to participate in something.

People who interpret others' refusals as "bad" tend to be very controlling people, who also tend to get personally offended if someone doesn't want to do what they want them to do.

A caveat

People with very low self-esteem, or abused people, also tend to interpret other's behaviors as motivated by the fact that others don't want to have anything to do with them.

But these people usually tend to get very sad and withdraw, while people who harbor ill intentions tend to get angry.

Thus, IMO, it is - above all - the angry or confrontational reaction that shows possible ill-intention.

The other side of the coin

The other side of the coin is that everyone understands this unconsciously.

This is why, strategically, it does not pay to verbalize having "understood" the motives of others, or having "seen" that someone has done something maliciously.

Because repeatedly doing so, even if true, gives others the feeling that it may be us who have a problem of ill intention.

Note that it works like this even where this is totally unwarranted, and we really have been surrounded by frenemies (and some of us have really been surrounded by frenemies).

So, as a general guideline, erring on the side of keeping one's inferences and doubts for oneself pays more.

Expressing one's realizations or doubts, instead, fosters isolation, and other people will unconsciously tend to get distance.