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How to respond to people who try to open-loop conversations?
I have encountered situations where people try to act like they are giving information because I am forcing them to when they were the ones who were more interested to share.
This sets up the dynamic that I am the one chasing for information.
Example :-
Them :- I noticed something about you
Me :- ok
Them :- You are not going to get mad are you?
Before I tell you, Are you open minded?
Me :- do you have anything to say?
Similar forms of such lines include.
Them :-
(1) I am really curious about something.
(2) I have an important question for you.
In dating it is used as
(1) Do you know what they say about girls from (girls country)?
What are your thoughts on how to respond to these?
Hi Growfast,
Can you provide more context? Are they someone you know, or they just a stranger, is it at a work place or somewhere outside?
Them :- You are not going to get mad are you?
Before I tell you, Are you open minded?
Me: What makes you ask me that ?/ How open minded are we talking about?/ For a billion bucks I can be very open minded.
You could play around with your responses depending on the context.
Yeah, the common thread is:
They seek your investment before delivering their "wisdom".
That's what potentially disempowers you.
And the more you invest or, worst, chase for their wisdom/question, the more power you lose to them -including a possible "teacher / pupil" disempowering frame-.
But once you get the gist of that power principle that's at the foundation of all these cases, then ANYTHING that breaks that dynamic works.
And the simple, non-fancy solution is to simply avoid investing.
Some good approaches:
- Keep your answer super low-investment (the best default for whenever you're not sure) OR
- Purposefully refuse to bite on their hook (don't answer, just say "uh", just look puzzled at them, etc.) OR
- Play the same game back on them OR
- Change frame / let them chase for asking/delivering their "wisdom"
For example:
Them: I have an important question for you.
You: (nods, says nothing)Â
Or you just say something like "uh", "right", "I bet you do".
And:
Them: I am really curious about something
You: You know what they say about curiosity and the cat
Or something general that changes the frame.
For example: "some people are very curious".
So now they need to keep chasing and investing more to get back to their frame. That thread-expands that they want something from you, and you become the higher-value prize.
Makes sense?
Trap questions / judge question: different use cases
These ones are different though:
- You are not going to get mad are you?
- Are you open-minded
Because they seek not just your investment, but that you prove yourself to them -"no, I'm not, I'm a level-headed guy" "yes, I am open-minded"-.
Plus, they're potential traps.
First, you prove yourself, then maybe they share some BS "feedback" or a covert nasty attack framed as "feedback", and then you (supposedly) can't reject or defend yourself otherwise you're not "open-minded enough" or "you're getting mad".
Feel free to open a new thread for those.
