Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
How to stop being submissive
Hello guys,
I'm grateful to Lucio for pointing out in PU the importance of not being too submissive. Submissiveness has its time and place but should not be our default behavior. I think ideally we should be 80% of the time assertive and then 10% of the time submissive and 10% of the time aggressive.
So I think first step as Lucio pointed out is to remove submissive behaviors. As much as possible.
So this post is for us to talk about principles and personal victories.
Here is one key principle:
Stop seeking other people's approval!
Seeking other people people's approval is a submissive behavior by definition as you put somebody in the dominant position. You can always learn from somebody and be deferent to them regarding their knowledge, character or whatever. You can ask their opinion on your work, practice, etc. You can be grateful to them for their feed-back with a simple "thank you".
However, you are not a child anymore. You do not need somebody to approve of you as a person anymore. You can re-internalize the judge and become your own person. Having your own moral code and make your own decisions.
Seeking other people's approval is the subtext of asking somebody else: "Am I good enough (yet)?" and this is a toxic idea as an autonomous adult. You should be the one able to answer this question.
The corollary idea to this one is:
Seek your own approval! Be the hero of your own story!
Cheers, excellent and inspiring material! I can feel his passion from here, rock on both of you.
Damn straight on the not needing someone to approve of you anymore. I came from quite a sheltered setting myself. Learning what I stood for (and didn't stand for), what I wanted to be, what ideals I wanted to champion, all took time, and there were challenges along the way, but it's always worth it. I like the idea of asking yourself if you're good enough yet, a powerful reframe.
(For example, yes I am good enough because I fulfilled my goals for safety and am able to just tune in and enjoy life... and no, because I let go of my purpose and helping others, both of which are important to me and I want to get back on again)
Coming from the other extreme, I used excessive aggressiveness when others threatened my boundaries; while this helped to a degree, it also showed I was still affected by it. It was an excessive lashing out against the judge role instead of recognizing it as it is, grounding myself, assertively confronting it and than letting it go. The latter is what I'm seeking to do myself, and it comes in part from having a strong sense of self too. I know that the more I was secure in and pursuing my own identity, the less others' bullshit bothered me and the more I can handle it in a responsible way.
Anyway sounds like a good message and you're on a good track. We all got this. Keep trucking!
I like the idea of asking yourself if you're good enough yet, a powerful reframe.
Misunderstanding: I meant that if you're asking or letting other people to define if you're good enough, you're in trouble as you're giving them power over your self-esteem. It's up to us to define our worth, not other people.
 I know that the more I was secure in and pursuing my own identity, the less others' bullshit bothered me and the more I can handle it in a responsible way.
Key concept! Very important. I think this idea deserves a post in itself.
Take care!
This is an important post for me, thank you!
The themes in this post are very interlinked in my life.
