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Power Move: I did not add you on Tinder

#1 · September 3, 2022, 8:09 am

Hello everyone,

this one happened to me yesterday in a group situation in my favourite bar. I'm on the patrons and the woman is. That is we are regular customers both of us.

Her (when the topic was me looking much younger than I look)): I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right (when the whole group was listening)
Me (taken aback): ....

I did not know what to say and I must admit I got a bit hurt. The frame is: "you're not attractive/interesting to me enough for me to swipe right.

Even if I like her a lot, I think this was nasty from her. She's not even pretty. She's not ugly but not pretty. So this was definitely social climbing as I'm more attractive than her in terms of looks.

Next time:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, one cannot appeal to everyone (philosopher's frame, smile), BTW blablabla (moving on)

Also, this shows also the local mating market: An ok woman thinks she has a higher SMV than she really has (in men's eyes) simply for being a woman.

If I wanted to go nasty (one up):

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, Michael (bar's boss and my good friend who was her boyfriend and broke up with her, she always wanted to go back with him but did not, lowering her values in the eyes of everyone) did not swipe right on you either.

But this is really nasty, I would not say that. It would be warranted though but not eagle like. This is for completion and showing a one-up back.

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#2 · September 3, 2022, 4:06 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 3, 2022, 4:06 pm
Quote from John Freeman on September 3, 2022, 8:09 am
Hello everyone,
this one happened to me yesterday in a group situation in my favourite bar. I'm on the patrons and the woman is. That is we are regular customers both of us.
Her (when the topic was me looking much younger than I look)): I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right (when the whole group was listening)
Me (taken aback): ....
I did not know what to say and I must admit I got a bit hurt. The frame is: "you're not attractive/interesting to me enough for me to swipe right.
Even if I like her a lot, I think this was nasty from her. She's not even pretty. She's not ugly but not pretty. So this was definitely social climbing as I'm more attractive than her in terms of looks.
Next time:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, one cannot appeal to everyone (philosopher's frame, smile), BTW blablabla (moving on)
Also, this shows also the local mating market: An ok woman thinks she has a higher SMV than she really has (in men's eyes) simply for being a woman.
If I wanted to go nasty (one up):
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, Michael (bar's boss and my good friend who was her boyfriend and broke up with her, she always wanted to go back with him but did not, lowering her values in the eyes of everyone) did not swipe right on you either.
But this is really nasty, I would not say that. It would be warranted though but not eagle like. This is for completion and showing a one-up back.
Hi John,
The potential downside I see to your philosopher's frame is that it partially validates and buys into her frame that you should have appealed to her.
So, maybe it'd be more personally empowering to reject the implication that you need (or needed) to prove yourself to her as being worth swiping right on.
E.g.:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right (judge power move: "I judged you as not being a worthy mate").
You: Yeah, there's plenty of fish in the sea, I'm sure you can get a better guy than me (smile) (rejects "prove yourself to me as being worthy" judge dynamics by disqualifying yourself with emotional independence + gives a compliment to make it smoother)
Also, remember, there's the option of simply using that quick meta-comment technique Lucio shared:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right.
You: That's a weird way to keep the conversation going.
Happy to read any thoughts.

Quote from John Freeman on September 3, 2022, 8:09 am
Hello everyone,
this one happened to me yesterday in a group situation in my favourite bar. I'm on the patrons and the woman is. That is we are regular customers both of us.
Her (when the topic was me looking much younger than I look)): I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right (when the whole group was listening)
Me (taken aback): ....
I did not know what to say and I must admit I got a bit hurt. The frame is: "you're not attractive/interesting to me enough for me to swipe right.
Even if I like her a lot, I think this was nasty from her. She's not even pretty. She's not ugly but not pretty. So this was definitely social climbing as I'm more attractive than her in terms of looks.
Next time:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, one cannot appeal to everyone (philosopher's frame, smile), BTW blablabla (moving on)
Also, this shows also the local mating market: An ok woman thinks she has a higher SMV than she really has (in men's eyes) simply for being a woman.
If I wanted to go nasty (one up):
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, Michael (bar's boss and my good friend who was her boyfriend and broke up with her, she always wanted to go back with him but did not, lowering her values in the eyes of everyone) did not swipe right on you either.
But this is really nasty, I would not say that. It would be warranted though but not eagle like. This is for completion and showing a one-up back.

Hi John,

The potential downside I see to your philosopher's frame is that it partially validates and buys into her frame that you should have appealed to her.

So, maybe it'd be more personally empowering to reject the implication that you need (or needed) to prove yourself to her as being worth swiping right on.

E.g.:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right (judge power move: "I judged you as not being a worthy mate").
You: Yeah, there's plenty of fish in the sea, I'm sure you can get a better guy than me (smile) (rejects "prove yourself to me as being worthy" judge dynamics by disqualifying yourself with emotional independence + gives a compliment to make it smoother)

Also, remember, there's the option of simply using that quick meta-comment technique Lucio shared:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right.
You: That's a weird way to keep the conversation going.

Happy to read any thoughts.

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#3 · September 3, 2022, 4:31 pm

Thanks Ali for your answer!

Golden for both of them. I have a preference for the first one for all the reasons you said: being detached from approval, smooth, rapport-keeping. High-warmth high-power.

Update:

Actually, I would tweak it a little bit:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: Yeah, there's plenty of fish in the sea, I'm sure you will find another great guy! (smile)

As by saying: "better than me", it is self-deprecating. Hence the "another" as "I'm a great guy as well". It's not as smooth though.

Another option:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I understand you were afraid of falling love with me! (laughs)

The risk here is that it social climbing. I used to do this one. It works well 1-on-1 as it is arousing for girls who are already attracted to you.

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I saw you as well and did not swipe right either (Note: this is a fact, I saw her and did not swipe right)

I considered saying that but I did not because I did not want to social climb on her. Also it would have been rapport-breaking: lose-lose. We would have both looked bad and it would have started an adversarial frame. Therefore I chose lose-win and let her win. I could not find a win-win solution on the spot.

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#4 · September 3, 2022, 4:44 pm

Quote from Kavalier on September 3, 2022, 4:44 pm
Hello, John
It might have been a "shit test". I'm pretty sure it was, since the context was everyone talking about your attractiveness.
I used to call it a "fox and the grapes" before learning the name "shit test" reading men's dating advice, and I still prefer this name. It makes me smile because I first heard this Aesop's fable from my grandmother, so it sets a very different frame. (There's also some degree of hate against women in "shit test", very widespread in dating advice)
This one is good:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, one cannot appeal to everyone (philosopher's frame, smile), BTW blablabla (moving on)
Yeah, as Ali says, it partially validates her frame. But I think it's not bad because it's still "everyone minus her" (and the context of the conversation was already everyone commenting favourably about your appearane). But it also shows you are unphased, and, the most important part, you moved on to more collaborative topics.
The second one you suggested invites an escalation, she'll likely get hurt, and if it's not enough, it may dumpen the mood for everyone in the conversation.
I also have a stock one: "lucky me". It happened just the other day
Her: What's your sun sign?
Me: Leo.
Her: Oh I hate Leos.
Me: Lucky me (smile, playful tone. It sets the frame that she is attracted and I'm not, but very subtly. I don't like very overt implications that she's into me because she might fight it). Hey, my beer is over. Come, let's get another one. (walking with her towards the bar) By the way, blablabla (moving away from that childish subject)
Whatever you do you don't do about it (you don't have to answer, and you can answer non-verbally), just make sure you stay collaborative.
In SU we learn it's a red flag, and I couldn't agree more with that (especially the way she did it here). But when you hear one and recognize it, you'll stop feeling a bit hurt.
Edit: Just saw your answers, great ones. I wanted to add a twick to these one:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I saw you as well and did not swipe right either. See, we already have something in common (smile). Now you say it, but maintain rapport. Also flirty.

Hello, John

It might have been a "shit test". I'm pretty sure it was, since the context was everyone talking about your attractiveness.

I used to call it a "fox and the grapes" before learning the name "shit test" reading men's dating advice, and I still prefer this name. It makes me smile because I first heard this Aesop's fable from my grandmother, so it sets a very different frame. (There's also some degree of hate against women in "shit test", very widespread in dating advice)

This one is good:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
Me: Well, one cannot appeal to everyone (philosopher's frame, smile), BTW blablabla (moving on)

Yeah, as Ali says, it partially validates her frame. But I think it's not bad because it's still "everyone minus her" (and the context of the conversation was already everyone commenting favourably about your appearane). But it also shows you are unphased, and, the most important part, you moved on to more collaborative topics.

The second one you suggested invites an escalation, she'll likely get hurt, and if it's not enough, it may dumpen the mood for everyone in the conversation.

I also have a stock one: "lucky me". It happened just the other day

Her: What's your sun sign?
Me: Leo.
Her: Oh I hate Leos.
Me: Lucky me (smile, playful tone. It sets the frame that she is attracted and I'm not, but very subtly. I don't like very overt implications that she's into me because she might fight it). Hey, my beer is over. Come, let's get another one. (walking with her towards the bar) By the way, blablabla (moving away from that childish subject)

Whatever you do you don't do about it (you don't have to answer, and you can answer non-verbally), just make sure you stay collaborative.

In SU we learn it's a red flag, and I couldn't agree more with that (especially the way she did it here). But when you hear one and recognize it, you'll stop feeling a bit hurt.

Edit: Just saw your answers, great ones. I wanted to add a twick to these one:

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I saw you as well and did not swipe right either. See, we already have something in common (smile). Now you say it, but maintain rapport. Also flirty.

John Freeman and Emily have reacted to this post.

#5 · September 3, 2022, 4:58 pm

Thanks for your answer, Kavalier!

The second one you suggested invites an escalation, she'll likely get hurt, and if it's not enough, it may dumpen the mood for everyone in the conversation.

Exactly! That's what I said.

Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I saw you as well and did not swipe right either. See, we already have something in common (smile). Now you say it, but maintain rapport. Also flirty.

Best one so far!

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#6 · September 5, 2022, 7:43 pm

Great posts already.

My take is that anything that seeks to preserve or increase rapport after a one-up may be too kind of an answer.

There's a place for that, sure, but on average, one-up, calls for one-up back, or at least one-cross.

Think about it in the form of basic building blocks:

One ups (-): you're already in read, she disempowered
Rapport-seeking answer (--): you're giving kindness against nastiness, you further disempower yourself

It's like answering to a slap, with a caress.

If a woman one-ups -which may indeed be a shit test, but what it actually was doesn't change the dynamic- and then you seek rapport, that's also a form of chasing.

So this was my favorite one so far:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 3, 2022, 4:06 pm
Also, remember, there's the option of simply using that quick meta-comment technique Lucio shared:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right.
You: That's a weird way to keep the conversation going.
Happy to read any thoughts.

I especially liked "to keep the conversation going".

Think about that: it implies that SHE was seeking rapport and to grow closer.

You one-upped back, without even attacking or getting nasty -high power, and high class-.

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#7 · September 5, 2022, 7:45 pm

The other option:

You: one cannot appeal to anyone

Is neutral.
It doesn't further disempower you by agreeing or seeking rapport, and it doesn't disempower her either ("one cross").

So, it's an OK option.

Still, in my opinion, it's better to go a bit stronger after one disempowers you.

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#8 · September 6, 2022, 4:06 am

How about 'See we already agree on that (opening hand towards her and cheeky smile) - we will be great friends.

Bit of a one up because you said basically she doesn't attract you. And it was friendly and warm but you just friendzoned her.

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#9 · September 6, 2022, 11:05 am

Thanks guys!

It's something I'll keep in mind to go a bit stronger after one disempowers you. As you know it's still one of my current weaknesses/plateau.

I like yours as well, Kevin, it one ups and still builds rapport. Very eagle-like I think. It subcommunicates: "You don't choose me as a mate, well I don't choose you as a mate either, I choose you as a friend". Powerful redirection.

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#10 · September 9, 2022, 10:22 pm

Ha, as a woman I was a bit pleasantly surprised by the "don't fall in love with me!" kind of response. With the right mood and right topic, that can work wonders as seduction material.

But if you are not interested in attracting her I also thought the "See I agree there is no mutual attraction, as I did the same on you. Now that's clear, let's focus on being good friends."

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