Former Community – We Moved
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"I don’t bear grudges"
Hi Guys.
This was often used on me by a relative during or after a discussion:
I don’t bear grudges.
I believe the sub-communication is:
- that the listener (me in those cases) bears grudges, and should stop doing so and “pardon” the speaker
- that the speaker would be the one to have motive to bear grudges (ie that the behavior of the listener is not on par)
- that the speaker can judge and is judging the listener, and thus is superior to the listener.
My take on how to respond:
I don’t see why you should.
To subcommunicate that:
- there is no reason why the speaker should bear grudges (reversing judge move)
- if there is a reason, now is the moment to surface it
- I do reserve the right to bear a grudge (refusing judge move).
The second subcommunication can be emphasized by placing more emphasis on the word “you”.
One could also make it friendlier:
Why do you say that, has something happened that we need to discuss?
Aimed at surfacing past animosity and discussing it.
Hey Bel,
Yes, all of the sub-communications you list may apply, depending on the individual and situation.
And your move is great.
Also good:
Him: I don't bear grudges
You: Of course not, it's like not you'd have any reason to
Or various stronger formats:
You: I bet you not! (Italian version is perfect here: ci mancherebbe!) It's not like you're the one who should anyway... (Implied: you maybe should)
Or taking that right for yourself:
You: Only people with a valid reason are even allowed to even mention that. And I'll try not to (<---- ie.: you are a bit, and you might. Fair move after the original power move)
Or good-ol standard surfacing:
You: why, do you even think there should be a reason to.... ?
If he denies, then: "then, why did you say that".
And then you tell him it was a power move.
