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"I prayed for you" Manipulation
Hello,
Inspired by Bel's thread. This one is bad. My mother did it on me for a large proportion of my life. She's a religious person and it's ok. She believes in the power of prayer and it's ok.
The thing is that before I was going to go through an exam she would tell me: "I'll pray for you" and if I passed: "I prayed for you". At first I was grateful to her because who knows maybe it helped? Also my family is religious so it's considered a fact that prayer works (except when you do nothing but pray, right? They were the specialists of praying but doing nothing). So I grew up in such an environment.
So subtly she was actually robbing me of my agency. Why did I pass? Because she prayed for me. Not because of my effort or work or determination or intelligence. So she was stealing my success as well. Like she had a part in it. Hell, she could even tell her friends: "My son had a difficult exam, I prayed a lot and he passed".
So I stopped telling her when I would have exams. At first since she gaslighted me I was a bit scared that it would have an influence. I know it sounds crazy. It does to me. It shows how far the manipulations can go. But then I saw that I could pass exams without her prayers.
I noticed that when I tell her afterwards I passed she's a bit annoyed: "Why did you not tell me you had an exam?"
Easy answer (in my head): "because I did not want you to play your prayer power move on me".
Hello John,
If I understood correctly, to me that "I prayed for you" looks like your mother is trying to increase your social debt too, as if saying: «I remind you of why you passed.» Maybe thats the reason for you feeling grateful.
This post made me remember that in other contexts the "I'll pray for you" as well as the "god bless him/you" can be a babying/condescending¿? power move:
Man saves a dog
X person: God bless this beautiful person I'll pray for him.
Maybe that's something for another post.
Cheers.
P.S:
Im glad you were able to see those power moves. Sometimes I get the feeling that some relatives pull power moves too, however I don't have that level of awareness :).
Thanks for your answer, Power Duck.
Yes, you're right it's actually creating a social debt as she actually did nothing. The proof is that I passed without the prayers.
You're on topic with your example I think: it's like they have the power to help this person through their prayer. That is a power move as it makes them superior to this man.
And they also take some social credit on the way through virtue-signalling and social credit scalping. If you're praying for someone for a good deed then you're associating yourself with this good deed. "They did good and I give them status for being good that means I'm (as) good (as them)". (A->B->C therefore A->C) and it also in a way could hint that the person would probably have done the same.
Im glad you were able to see those power moves. Sometimes I get the feeling that some relatives pull power moves too, however I don't have that level of awareness :).
"...level of awareness.YET". I'm glad as well for every little step thanks to TPM. And I still miss many power moves. To be honest, I consider myself a beginner (no fake humility). We're all learning here.
Yeah, you're right, forgot the yet , no fixed mindset allowed here :).
I agree with you on the explanation, I also get the feeling that that person frames the man as:
- Needing the prayer and the blessing to live/do good in life
- Doing bad in life.
- It could also frame the person that's praying as doing well or better than the other.
After all why would you pray for a person able to take care of himself and that's doing well?
no fixed mindset allowed here
It's allowed I'm no police. Here we do our best to pull one another up. I hope that's what I did.
- Needing the prayer and the blessing to live/do good in life
- Doing bad in life.
- It could also frame the person that's praying as doing well or better than the other.
100%.
After all why would you pray for a person able to take care of himself and that's doing well?
Boom. Spot on.
That's why there is the famous totally covert aggressive "I'll pray for you".
"I'll pray for you, person X"
That's why in some TV series they turn it into a comedy:
Person A: "I'll pray for you"
Person B: No, I'll pray for you"
Person A: "No no no, I'll pray for YOU".
So power-aware people know what's up.
Bless you Power Duck :D (joke)
That being said when in Brazil they said to me "God bless you" I always answered with "thank you".
For what matters is the intention behind it. If it's said with reverence and/or a sense of sacred then it's sacred to me as well. It all depends on the context. And sometimes what people have to give as their best sign of gratitude is this formulation. So it's not all the same.
no fixed mindset allowed here
Apologies if this felt like a power move. Maybe adding some emojis should've sufficed to prevent any misunderstandings. This is better: "No fixed mindset allowed here! 💪". Feel free to correct me though.
Bless you Power Duck 😀 (joke)
How did you know I sneezed? 😳
P.S:
Also thanks for the comment about the example :)
Off topic
Person A: "I'll pray for you"
Person B: No, I'll pray for you"
Person A: "No no no, I'll pray for YOU".
It's funny, I've seen this kind of interaction several times, for example when someone tells another person to enter the elevator/bus first, the other declines and tells the first person to go first and then back and forth. It's even funnier when you aren't power aware as it looks even dumber than if you understood what's actually happening from a power dynamics standpoint.
Off topic
Interesting.
Yeah, definitely a power move -of sorts, it can certainly be motivated by good intentions, in some cases-.
But even if motivated by good intentions, if one discounts your hard work / skill / dedication, then it's still disempowering.
I remember some time ago I was trying so hard to achieve something and truly did everything possible.
When it seemed like it finally happened, a lady in my life said "that's because of X" (X being a time we visited a church together).
I didn't say anything and, in a way, I'm not even saying "it's not because of that".
But without any mention to all my efforts, I couldn't help but think:
Yeah, thanks, if you only knew all I've (also) been doing for this
By the way, an older topic on "pray for you power move"
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 2, 2023, 10:01 pmInteresting.
Yeah, definitely a power move -of sorts, it can certainly be motivated by good intentions, in some cases-.
But even if motivated by good intentions, if one discounts your hard work / skill / dedication, then it's still disempowering.
I remember some time ago I was trying so hard to achieve something and truly did everything possible.
When it seemed like it finally happened, a lady in my life said "that's because of X" (X being a time we visited a church together).I didn't say anything and, in a way, I'm not even saying "it's not because of that".
But without any mention to all my efforts, I couldn't help but think:
Yeah, thanks, if you only knew all I've (also) been doing for this
By the way, an older topic on "pray for you power move"
Btw @lucio the link leads to this same post.
Cheers
