"I understand what you want to say": covert Power Move
Hello,
I overheard today in the train a conversation where a young male professional was getting advice from a female seasoned professional.
At some point he said: "I understand what you want/wish to say" as a form of active listening. I used this sentence in the past and it's a sentence that is sometimes used in French.
However, I find it condescending. It means that the person talking is trying to express something which implied it is not well said/formulated. It also means that the person listening is able to understand the attempt despite the implied poor communication. It is in this sense that I think it is a covert power move. It puts the listener above the speaker in terms of communication ability.
I don't think he meant it that way but that's how I hear it.
Hello, John. I think you may be right that it can be used as a power move. But this is also a very commonly used expression, so I wouldn't make much of it. It also exists in my language (in fact I also think it translates "I understand what you mean" quite well, come to think of it).
But, perhaps, yeah, we might gain by avoiding it ourselves when expressing active listening in favour of more complimentary sentences like "totally", "that makes sense", "that's thought provoking", "good point" calibrating the tonality and nonverbals to the person we are talking to). "I understand what you mean" often prefaces disagreement, and people might be inclined to guard themselves after hearing it.
My opinion is that it's also ok if some expressions are evaluative (that's nice/ awesome/great/perfect) in most contexts, including active listening. I believe no expression is truly purely power neutral, so as long as the evaluation is not disempowering, it's fair game. More than that, it's also a sign that we are dealing with independent thinkers, so actually a good sign.
Great point, Kavalier, thanks!
To clarify, as "covert power move", I meant "unwanted covert power move" but I think you understood. So yeah, it's about improving our own communication by removing unwanted power moves.
My opinion is that it's also ok if some expressions are evaluative (that's nice/ awesome/great/perfect) in most contexts, including active listening. I believe no expression is truly purely power neutral, so as long as the evaluation is not disempowering, it's fair game. More than that, it's also a sign that we are dealing with independent thinkers, so actually a good sign.
These points are important fundamentals: I totally agree.
Agree guys. Better to drop this phrase. Often leads to that lose lose where you have to say 'wait I'm agreeing with you'. You might be but is was so clumsy you're now sitting in the middle of the train wreck of the conversation.
Even better to add a tail to a point they made to prove you were really listening.
Even better to add a tail to a point they made to prove you were really listening.
Yeah, more effective. I personnally summarize what the other person has said. For instance:
Her: a whole story about her work.
Me: He's not a great manager...
Her: No, definitely not.