Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Idiot accusing you of boasting at social event social – when is ‘red’ an ‘amber’ flag?
Situation: (saying goodbye at bday party)
What happened:
Transitioned – thanks for inviting us – it was a great day
Host – Good to see you guys again, we should get together in the holidays
Transitioned – sounds good we’ve got a few days away before Xmas, let's catch-up in the new year.
Idiot – you’re boasting again
What I did was smile like his remark was funny, step to the side so my back was to the guy and continue my conversation. Basically a variation of ignoring.
Analysis:
I did this because: it was the host’s birthday party so I didn’t want to sour the vibe. This guy is known as rude and blunt so a lot of people would say ‘that’s just his way’. He’s also got a lot to deal with – one disabled and one autistic child so under that burden I’d probably be an a-hole too.
If it was a ‘red’ I could have counter attacked:
Looking at him smile and shake my head – that’s just Idiot being his usual friendly self.
Or stronger (attacking him breaking feel good vibe of the group):
Looking at him – do the little bit (finger pinch gesture) – that’s a little bit weird for everyone mate then turn back and go back to conversation.
Or attacked with humour – yeah a few days away at a local beach – yep that’s just like trip to Paris you should be jealous mate.
I judged this an ‘amber’ based on the context. Amber (not green) because it was in front of the group. What are people’s thought’s Red/Amber/Green?
This guy is known as rude and blunt so a lot of people would say ‘that’s just his way’.
I am unsure at the moment.
I was thinking why do so many people stick around this guy. Although, as you advised, I do empathise with his situation on raising challenging children.
Does this guy throw great holiday parties?
Thanks a lot for putting together and sharing this case study.
Slight clarification. He's not the host. It was one of those situations at the end where the crowd was thinning So everyone was gathered around watching the good byes. I probably oversimplified this guy into a cartoon. Most of the time he converses normally, he's just very judgey and anytime he thinks somebody's wrong he throws the grenade.
Posting is a bit of a balancing act. You have to give enough context to keep it real. And choose situations you've seen many times before so you know there's general value in the discussion. I've met this kind of shock tactics dominating type guy enough to say it is definitely out there as a common tactic. And you'll find him described in the 'dealing with difficult people' type books.
Quote from Transitioned on December 18, 2021, 3:45 amWhat I did was smile like his remark was funny, step to the side so my back was to the guy and continue my conversation. Basically a variation of ignoring.
Analysis:
I did this because: it was the host’s birthday party so I didn’t want to sour the vibe.
I think this was great.
Very smooth and calibrated.
Something that would have also worked if you wanted to go down a bit harder was to shake your head as if to say "that was dumb" rather than smile.
But in either case, solid.
And yes, I'd also categorize this as an amber.
I did misunderstand. I confused this idiot with the host.
I think this behaviour is amber as well.
It looks like this idiot uses these targeted negative remarks from time to time to dominate and shock people as you advised.
I have met people like this and find them very annoying too.
My default reaction is either fake smile or frowning (not sure why). Maybe I need to extend my range of communication to head movements.
I think in order from most to least dominant:
- Head shake
- Frown
- Fake smile
I remembered Lucio advised when to use head shakes vs fake smiles on another thread.
