If you win the lottery... Do this to avoid sharing
What do you think happens the moment the word spreads that you won the lottery?
All your "friends" and "family members" come out of the woodwork ready to congratulate you.
And by "congratulate you", I mean, "asking for some":
Now, you might be even happy to give something.
But maybe not to all of them. Maybe just to the ones who have been value-givers, while avoiding the natural-born value-takers, who are always the first in line.
And maybe you'd like to share without any pressure.
So, how do you do that?
You do it with a strategy called "deny-me game".
Such as: as soon as you realize you won, you call your favorite leechers, and ask them a favor they are forced to say no.
Because of the law of social exchange, you gain credit, while the leecher incurs a debt.
And because of recency effect, such as the tendency for what's last to be more salient and seeming more important, you will have a legit reason for refusing them when they come begging for some of your leniency.
You: dear 4th degree cousin, I really would like to share some of my windfall. I don't even know what to do with all this money. But that's the whole point, it's not about money. Man, it it really pained me when my car broke down, I needed help, and you turned me down. I'm still hurt. I'm sorry man, it doesn't feel right to even have this conversation. I must tell you goodbye for now.
Than, ghost.
The more he reaches out and the more you dodge, the higher the pressure on the leecher to feel like the leecher he is, and to give up.
profilaxis or preemptive strike, awsome!
Quote from Stef on August 24, 2020, 1:43 pmprofilaxis or preemptive strike, awsome!
Preemptive striking, exactly.
Seizing the initiative and controlling the game, Machiavellis can't allow themselves to wait and react :).
BTW, this is a bit more of a humorous post, of course, but it still goes to show how social exchanges work, and how they can be used/abused.
When the example says:
You: "I'm sorry man, it doesn't feel right to even have this conversation. I must tell you goodbye for now."
Is this "I'm sorry" a covert power move?
I'm sorry man, it doesn't feel right to even have this conversation. I must tell you goodbye for now ( = I have the power to abandon the conversation / turn my back on you)
Would an alternative apology be:
You: "I'm sorry I can't get over these feelings right now man, I must tell you goodbye for now."
That way, you take the blame by explaining the problem you're facing.
Would love to know any thoughts you all might have!
I like that phrasing, as you are no directly accusing the person of causing those emotions, but he should suspect that he is at least partially responsible.
Yeah, that first example was all a power move.
It was more geared to be funny than effective -this whole "technique" is slightly more on the funny/curiosity side-:
- "windfall"= imagery of money falling from the sky, just to make him even more envious
- "I don't even know what to do with all this money" = that's the type of sentence that makes (mentally) poor and money-hungry folks go crazy. Like dangling a steak in front of a salivating dog
- "It's not about the money"= again, you frame as having so much that money is not a problem for you. You could give, but... You just won't give it to them.
Plus, it's a huge moral/ethical one-upping, you frame them as inferior for still being stuck at a baser level of drives, while you are beyond money and focusing more on higher drives like emotions, connection, fairness, etc. - "it doesn't feel right to even have this conversation" = indirectly frames the whole situation/conversation as immoral, and since it's them who are putting you in that situation, it indirectly says they are immoral for even having the nerve to behave so immorally
- "I must say goodbye for now": it leaves a little door open, as if to say "keep chasing man (and risk embarrassment once more)
Otherwise, if you wanted to be effective, I agree with Stef and also very much like your wording. By taking the blame you avoid making them feel too guilty, plus you protect yourself from follow-up persuasion attempts.
For example:
Them: Man, I just couldn't do it at the time, but you know that I've always been there for you otherwise
You: Yeah, yeah, I get it it was difficult for you to help, but that's how it felt to me. When I was standing there in the cold, without knowing what to do... It just hurt me, man. I know, maybe I'm too sensitive, but I'm sorry, I just can't get over it