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"I'm impressed": are people telling you that trying to get power over with with a judge frame?
I was recently at a cocktail party. A guy who in my social circle (and who I don't like) took it upon himself to come to me and mention a major accomplishment of mine that I had just achieved. I did not know that he knew of my accolade, and I did not bring up said accolade in any way. He said that he was "very impressed" with my accomplishment. Other people were around and could hear him saying he was "very impressed" by my accomplishment. He went on to more or less admit that he would probably never match my achievement. For all of those reasons (I didn't bring it up, I didn't even know that he knew about it, other people could hear what he was saying which raised my social value at that moment) I felt that it was a straightforward, nice, genuine compliment. Now after having just read about "the judge frame" I'm reconsidering my interpretation of the encounter. Is it possible that he brought up my accomplishment AND said he could probably never match it solely so that he could assume the "judge frame"? If so, then he was in fact giving me a lot of power -- and even "knocking" himself a bit -- just so he could then say he was "very impressed," with me thereby perhaps taking a bit of power back for himself. Your input please. What am I missing / not seeing here?
Note: This was posted before I read about proper forum etiquette, and I don't see any way that I can edit/modify it at this time. I am still getting the hang of forum participation and etiquette. I apologize for any inadvertent breaches of forum etiquette.
Ed,
No, I don't think he was pulling a power move on you.
There was an element of judge frame there, but it wasn't the main content, since he was basically putting you on a pedestal.
The judge frame with the compliment is different.
See the examples in the course of Trump telling others "good job".
When you deliver the compliment as if you were the boss, and judging their accomplishments as if you were assessing their work, that's 80% power move, and 20% an actual compliment.
But in your case it's the opposite, it's 90% compliment, and 10% power move (there is still a mini-element of them judging you, and putting themselves near your level to assess your results, but avoid focusing on that too much, or you come across too defensive).
The main risk in your case instead is that he might be pushing you too high.
You want to be recognized as effective and successful in your social circles, but not the point where you are so high up that you can't relate to others.
You want to be a winner among people, to be accepted and loved and treated like a human being.
When someone turns into you a God, he is also somehow pushing you away from the people. And you want to stay closer to the people, if you want to truly bond and connect with them (unless you want empty adulation, but that's very narcissistic and lonely, and I wouldn't recommend it).
When he said "I could never achieve that", that's where I would have intervened.
I might have said something like:
Thank you man, but I'm pretty sure that you can, too.
We are both humans, and If I have done it, you can as well.
But I appreciate the compliment man, thank you (smile)
