Quote from B on October 31, 2023, 10:30 pm

Impending rejection

Some time ago we were discussing on this forum of two different but similar power moves by women.

One was a woman who had said, to another user (who had asked her if she liked Spanish guys like him):

Woman: Spanish guys are the absolute worst. Always heartbreaks!

Another was a woman I had met in my early days of learning attraction, who had asked me what I did for a living, and then told me:

Woman: A lawyer! What a bad profession!

My reaction at the time was to get offended and abort the interaction.

When we discussed the situations on the forum, Lucio basically suggested to deal with this by accepting her "general preference" but carving a "personal exception" [btw, this is a great reframing technique that, if not already present, could be PU worthy], which I took to mean something like:

Me: Good thing I'm the good type of lawyer/Spanish guy then (smile).

Now the interesting part is why these women said these things.

When we discussed this, I took it to mean they had low self-esteem and were basically insulting the man.

But now I see the frame/technique these women were using, and it makes much sense.

It is:

Impending rejection

Basically this technique, or frame, consists in assuming a frame where one is always evaluating the other person as if he was on the brink, and always at risk, of being rejected.

To the inexperienced guy, this technique amounts either to actual rejection, or to a feeling of having to always be on his best behavior.

So the technique does work for the woman to gain power in the early dating stage.

To the experienced guy, who knows why and how this works, the technique can however reveal attraction on the part of the woman.

If taken this way, the power loss is not inevitable. On the contrary, a woman doing this is confirming she likes you. That's why she "fakes" being in evaluation mode, or dismissive, or even somewhat rude.

The technique can be used both by women and by men, albeit the effect is probably much different.

In the case of women using it, it can both work as a disqualifier and as a "gain power" techinque.

In the case of men using it, it probably just increases attraction on the part of the woman.

Different levels of "impending rejection"

The technique/frame can be used with different levels of intensity.

The two women above were somewhat high in their intensity level.

But my guess is that there is probably at least a small element of "impending rejection frame" on both sides in all successful attractions.