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Intelligence Attack Power Move

#1 · February 14, 2021, 7:10 am

Today I was talking to my dad on the phone.
I think he pulled a power move, and I did not manage it well.

Me: I am not familiar that's what it stands for.
Dad: I have to substract 10 points from your IQ.
Me: (sarcastically) certainly still higher than yours.
Dad: I am not going to challenge that.

I think overall that I did not come down lower in power.
But he says "I am not going to challenge that" means that he is less affected by my comment than I am getting affected by his.
Which might imply that he has more judge power over me.

Maybe I need to approach this in a more assertive manner by drawing boundaries on what comments I find appropriate and not appropriate.
Rather than trying to play the power game.

#2 · February 14, 2021, 8:57 am

Actually he stole your line. He showed he was unaffected by your opinion whereas you were affected by his. This is to be expected as the approval of our parents is important.

I don’t know your father character but I think you were right to challenge the frame. You did it by scratching with the turkeys though and he did it by flying with the eagles.

So his attack was not cool. You could have gone higher power to be a leader in the type of behavior you expect from your father. So next time you can be the bigger man. Father or not father. Go higher.

#3 · February 14, 2021, 10:33 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 14, 2021, 10:33 am
So his attack was not cool. You could have gone higher power to be a leader in the type of behavior you expect from your father. So next time you can be the bigger man. Father or not father. Go higher.
The issue was that I was caught off guard and the conversation was quite neutral. So I dropped my guard when speaking to my dad.
He was talking about a name, and I didn't know what it stands for. So I expressed that I was unfamiliar with the name.
Then the power move came out of nowhere.
Actually he stole your line
Do you mean that he used the last line similarly to my first line? This seems to be following my lead which means I'm higher power.
You did it by scratching with the turkeys though and he did it by flying with the eagles.
Do you mean that he went down to turkey level and I went down with him but he went up to eagle level again?
I think I should mention assertively that
It is not very nice to say that.
Parent's Approval
This is to be expected as the approval of our parents is important.
I think that I have been independent of my parents for a long time and added value to the people around me.
So I'm surprised that I still let my father take the judge role in the interaction.
He likes to play the smart-alec dominance move to show his superiority. But, in reality, he tries to do that in areas with little experience.
A story he told. When the new security guard did not recognise my dad at his office, he told me that he said
I pay your salary
Which I feel is social climbing. Technically, his employer pays the security guard's salary. It's just that the security falls under his area of responsibility.
Remaining Calm Under Power Moves
Quote from John Freeman on February 14, 2021, 9:24 am from the thread Case Study: You exist?
Staying calm is the secret to be able to impervious to attack on your emotions. Like “are you vexed?” “Are you angry?” is a power move. If you are angry and deny it, they have the upper hand because you hide that they affected the you. If you say yes they won because they were able to make you react (they controlled you). So power lies in controlling our emotions.
Thanks for sharing this.
It is relevant to my interactions with my dad today.
I think my dad knows that he has an influence on me, so he chooses to exercise his power and throw power moves.
If I go back to the anti-fragile ego, growth mindset, detachment, I can step back and exercise a positive leadership position for the relationship.
The problem is that sometimes I expect my father to be a positive role model.

So his attack was not cool. You could have gone higher power to be a leader in the type of behavior you expect from your father. So next time you can be the bigger man. Father or not father. Go higher.

The issue was that I was caught off guard and the conversation was quite neutral. So I dropped my guard when speaking to my dad.

He was talking about a name, and I didn't know what it stands for. So I expressed that I was unfamiliar with the name.

Then the power move came out of nowhere.

Actually he stole your line

Do you mean that he used the last line similarly to my first line? This seems to be following my lead which means I'm higher power.

You did it by scratching with the turkeys though and he did it by flying with the eagles.

Do you mean that he went down to turkey level and I went down with him but he went up to eagle level again?

I think I should mention assertively that

It is not very nice to say that.

Parent's Approval

This is to be expected as the approval of our parents is important.

I think that I have been independent of my parents for a long time and added value to the people around me.

So I'm surprised that I still let my father take the judge role in the interaction.

He likes to play the smart-alec dominance move to show his superiority. But, in reality, he tries to do that in areas with little experience.

A story he told. When the new security guard did not recognise my dad at his office, he told me that he said

I pay your salary

Which I feel is social climbing. Technically, his employer pays the security guard's salary. It's just that the security falls under his area of responsibility.

Remaining Calm Under Power Moves

Quote from John Freeman on February 14, 2021, 9:24 am from the thread Case Study: You exist?
Staying calm is the secret to be able to impervious to attack on your emotions. Like “are you vexed?” “Are you angry?” is a power move. If you are angry and deny it, they have the upper hand because you hide that they affected the you. If you say yes they won because they were able to make you react (they controlled you). So power lies in controlling our emotions.

Thanks for sharing this.
It is relevant to my interactions with my dad today.
I think my dad knows that he has an influence on me, so he chooses to exercise his power and throw power moves.
If I go back to the anti-fragile ego, growth mindset, detachment, I can step back and exercise a positive leadership position for the relationship.
The problem is that sometimes I expect my father to be a positive role model.

#4 · February 14, 2021, 11:45 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 14, 2021, 10:33 am
Actually he stole your line
Do you mean that he used the last line similarly to my first line? This seems to be following my lead which means I'm higher power.
You did it by scratching with the turkeys though and he did it by flying with the eagles.
Do you mean that he went down to turkey level and I went down with him but he went up to eagle level again?
I think I should mention assertively that
It is not very nice to say that.

Let me rephrase this part.
I typed this on my phone quickly which may not be the best way to express what I mean.

Stealing Lines - Who Has More Power?

For example, if an exchange like the following happened, I'm thinking who has more power

Person A: F**k you
Person B: F**k you too

Maybe this is different to when someone rephrases your remark and makes a counter-attack on you

Person A: I'm not comfortable with this.
Person B: Yeah, there are plenty of things I'm not comfortable with.

How to Draw Quick Lines in the Sand? Asserting Your Boundaries When Being Caught Off-Guard

I remembered that Lucio has advised on drawing quick boundaries in the sand when being caught off-guard.
I can't recall which thread exactly.

Assertive comments like

That's not very nice to say.
What do you mean?
Why do you say that?
I'm not comfortable with what you said.
That's not polite. (From John's Example)

This should be my default comments when someone makes an aggressive or one-upping comment.

If it's a microaggression, stick to the simple surfacing, giving rope techniques

Repeat what they said with a question annotation
"Oh you're smarter?"
Surfacing
"What do you mean?"

Draw them out and then draw a line in the sand better.

#5 · February 14, 2021, 2:10 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 14, 2021, 7:10 am
But he says "I am not going to challenge that" means that he is less affected by my comment than I am getting affected by his.
Which might imply that he has more judge power over me.

You know the interaction -and your father better-.

But reading by text only, I'd interpret that as he giving it to you that you are smarter.

If you wanted to one-up back, some more indirect ways might have been better, like:

Him: I have to subtract 10 points from your IQ
You: Good thing I got room to spare there, not everyone can say that, anyway...

Still, I agree that "going higher" or drawing boundaries without getting mired in that frame are better options.

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#6 · February 14, 2021, 2:47 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 14, 2021, 2:10 pm
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 14, 2021, 7:10 am
But he says "I am not going to challenge that" means that he is less affected by my comment than I am getting affected by his.
Which might imply that he has more judge power over me.
You know the interaction -and your father better-.
But reading by text only, I'd interpret that as he giving it to you that you are smarter.
If you wanted to one-up back, some more indirect ways might have been better, like:

Thanks for the advice man.
Great to know where we stand, so I can move the relationship to more positive territory.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 14, 2021, 2:10 pm
Him: I have to subtract 10 points from your IQ
You: Good thing I got room to spare there, not everyone can say that, anyway...
Still, I agree that "going higher" or drawing boundaries without getting mired in that frame are better options.

Thanks for the advice on going more indirect.
I'm going to be more vulnerably assertive as you suggested in your journals.
I think that it will greatly improve my relationship with my father.

#7 · February 14, 2021, 3:09 pm

I'm going to be more vulnerably assertive as you suggested in your journals.
I think that it will greatly improve my relationship with my father.

Yeah, I like that approach most.

That would sound something like:

Dad, you're my father, and I care about you, and what you think. When you make jokes about my IQ, it feels like you're demeaning me (give him time to answer, then repeat the same if necessary).
As my father, I'd love if you could be more supportive of me, encouraging me and heping me along the way (give example how to do that relative to the situation). Can you do that?

Let me know how that approach goes, very interested to hear.

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#8 · February 14, 2021, 3:20 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 14, 2021, 3:09 pm
That would sound something like:
Dad, you're my father, and I care about you, and what you think. When you make jokes about my IQ, it feels like you're demeaning me (give him time to answer, then repeat the same if necessary).
As my father, I'd love if you could be more supportive of me, encouraging me and heping me along the way (give example how to do that relative to the situation). Can you do that?
Let me know how that approach goes, very interested to hear.

Thanks for the advice man.
Really appreciate it.
It will be some time before we speak again.
I will keep this in mind, reflect on the progress and write upon it.

To be honest, I'm a bit afraid, so I need to mentally prepare myself.
My father's repeated one-ups on me have made me afraid of being vulnerable with him.

#9 · February 14, 2021, 4:00 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 14, 2021, 3:20 pm
To be honest, I'm a bit afraid, so I need to mentally prepare myself.
My father's repeated one-ups on me have made me afraid of being vulnerable with him.

Totally normal and understandable.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.