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Is constant bragging a power-move, or is just bad manners?
A friend of mine constantly brags, but he does it in a way where he implicitly says "it sucks you have to endure this, because I don't!", or "you should as I do because I am right and you are wrong.". To be honest, this doesn't actually bother me, but since starting to read this blog, I started becoming more aware of this and began questioning his true intention behind this.
For example, I live in a pretty cold city in Canada called Calgary, and he recently moved to Florida. These days, it seems like every time I ever call him, he makes it a point to mention how sucks it must be to live in the winter, while he is enjoying the hot Florida weather.
He sometimes runs with it and starts giving me unsolicited advice on how I should just move there "like he did" (he has family there), without mentioning how easy it was for him to move there because of his family ties, and how hard it would be for me to move there since I know nobody down there. I don't even want to move, but I recently begun to question his true intentions behind these humble-brags and unsolicited advice.
This isn't the only time he does this. He sometimes does it with work too. I work for a big company with a lot of beurocracy, while he works for his father's business, and whenever we talk about the normal work struggles, he makes it a point to explain how I should find a job like his where there is low-politics and corporaty stuff, conveniently leaving out the fact he works for his dad.
Note that this guy has been my friend for decades, and as I mentioned, this doesn't really bother me, so I'm not interested in cutting him off and souring my relationship with him.
Advice on how to deal with this?
Hello Nathan, and welcome here (cool if you drop an intro about yourself if you so wish).
I must tell you:
I was smiling the whole way through this post at your friend's power moves.
Yes, they are power move, well done on picking it up now.
And I also agree with you: it's nothing big.
Just a guy with an ego in need to be stroked.
With a guy like that, I'd think more in terms of "poor guy, having to live with this limitation of constant validation, doesn't even know how much it's costing him", rather than "I need to defend myself against this guy".
So, yeah, you don't need to do much here.
Still, since you ask:
Quote from Nathan Albott on February 4, 2022, 11:43 pmAdvice on how to deal with this?
I'd give him his validation first and confirm every time he brags.
Like:
Him: man, such a nice weather here, what are you doing there in the cold
You: yeah, you're so right man, my hands are freezing, so cool you're there. I might be plotting a move soon
Might sound crazy, I know, but it saves you both time.
He doesn't feel like his big ego is not being valued enough, and when you proactively give it to him, he won't have to push it every time.
And just an ever so slight power move:
Him: you should find a job like mine
You: I'm always ready to be tempted to great weather and workplaces with a good job offer
Sub-communication being: how about you help concretely, instead of dispensing easy and useless "advice"?
Hi Lucio! Thanks for the welcome, and amazing work here sir!
Do you recommend I still do respond like that when he does this in group settings? I actually already kinda do what you recommended this, but I must admit, when he does this in group settings, it does bother me a little bit because it makes him look like "I know it all mentor" and it makes me look like "the struggling pupil" sort of, and I end up just agreeing so I can change the subject, but sometimes I feel like it lowers my status in a group.
Hey Nathan,
Yeah, in group settings you lose power and status.
Edit: good catch and awareness in understanding the big difference between the two cases.
There are examples for this in PU, in several sections.
You'll see the solutions as you go through.
Edit: if I recall well, it's under "status inflaters", and it's a case of "social climbing". So you can search for those two.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 5, 2022, 11:15 pm
I'd give him his validation first and confirm every time he brags.
Like:
Him: man, such a nice weather here, what are you doing there in the cold
You: yeah, you're so right man, my hands are freezing, so cool you're there. I might be plotting a move soonMight sound crazy, I know, but it saves you both time.
He doesn't feel like his big ego is not being valued enough, and when you proactively give it to him, he won't have to push it every time.
And just an ever so slight power move:
Him: you should find a job like mine
You: I'm always ready to be tempted to great weather and workplaces with a good job offerSub-communication being: how about you help concretely, instead of dispensing easy and useless "advice"?
Thanks! I would have never considered this approach to a friend bragging. I thought about this:
That when a friend brags and it's status inflation, my current technique is to take the opportunity to take the judge role.
My friend: I was with this girl and she was so pretty (I'm so good with women and I get hot ones... and you don't)
Me: Excellent man, it's very good/you did well!
Alternative:
Me: I'm happy for you, it's excellent!
Yeah, when people seek ego candies I often just dispense them...
... And then make a mental note we might not be the best fit to interact much longer or again.
Ego candies are cheap anyway, and it's a (not so high quality) form of win-win as well.
They're happy with the candies and I'm glad I found early we're not a good match (and potentially prepare the ground to move or involve someone else in the conversation while moving on a high).
Quote from John Freeman on February 8, 2022, 7:27 pmI thought about this:
That when a friend brags and it's status inflation, my current technique is to take the opportunity to take the judge role.
My friend: I was with this girl and she was so pretty (I'm so good with women and I get hot ones... and you don't)
Me: Excellent man, it's very good/you did well!
Alternative:
Me: I'm happy for you, it's excellent!
Very valid option John.
Especially good if he's generally a bit of a game player.
Otherwise, if he's just a good friend who's happy he was out with a pretty girl, it's good to vibe with him and mirror his happiness.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 8, 2022, 11:26 pmEspecially good if he's generally a bit of a game player.
Otherwise, if he's just a good friend who's happy he was out with a pretty girl, it's good to vibe with him and mirror his happiness.
Unfortunately I think he's a bit too self-centered. He played quite a couple of social climbing moves on me. So I liked him but he proved to try to social climb on me. He failed as I defended properly and later said "it was a joke" (you all know this one, right?).
So I manage him as I don't want to make an enemy out of him but I think that generally speaking he tries to prove he's better than me. Especially in the dating game as he's jealous of me being a doctor. So that's the area he thinks he can make me feel bad as he feels inferior professionally speaking.
I'll make a whole post about him soon. I manage to have a good relationship with him. But I know he's jealous. I'll still see him but don't see him as a potential close friend. I now keep him at arms length. I still have cool conversations and moments with him but I don't allow him to come too close.
Yeah, makes sense, I like the "friend but not close" approach.
Having different buckets for people, including a different "emotional distance" for each, is a foundational piece of a good social strategy -and a good life in general-.
